Hazbin Hotel quotes

Oh, harder, daddy.

[gasp] Son?

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Hello- [Charlie slams the door then opens it again] -o!

Charlie

Uh, Vaggie, the radio demon is here? What should I do?

Uh, who?

Well- don't let him in!

[Charlie opens the door again]

May I speak now?

Charlie

You may.

[Alastor barges in, enthusiastically shaking hands with Charlie]

Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you sweetheart, quite a pleasure! Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco in the picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock-market crash of 1929! [laughs] So many orphans.

[Vaggie gets in front of Alastor, pointing a spear at him]

Stop right there! I know your game. And I am not gonna let you hurt anyone here! You pompous, cheesy, edgo-shitlord.

[Alastor laughs this off, lowering the spear]

Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, [stares] I would have done so already.

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And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?

I can suck your dick.

Ha! No.

Your loss.

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If Freaky-Face over there is so powerful, why can't he just make people stay here?

Oh, trust me, I can.

Why do ya think I'm here? You don't actually think I'd be here scrubbing bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he [Alastor] wasn't forcing me?

NNifty

I like being forced.

Keep that to yourself, Nif.

What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers?

Call me Whiskers again, and I'll jam that bottle down your throat.

Kinky. Come on, keep talking dirty.

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AFAdam, The First Man

Call me dickmaster.

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Velvette, I can see you're busy. Tell me, where's our hot-headed friend now?

VVelvette

Up in his tower, waiting for a flat-faced prince to calm him down.

[sighs] And uh, what's got him so out of sorts today?

VVelvette

Who knows? But he tore up my best model! And you know, the show can't wait for that unlucky bitch to pull herself back together. MELISSA! GET OVER HERE! [Melissa comes unto platform and Velvette uses magic to change her outfit several times] No. No. Hideous. I want to die. Eww. [gasp] Yes! That's the one.

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VValentino

Fuckin' finally! [to a Fizzarolli robot] Kitty, another drink! Can you believe what that piece of shit did? The ungrateful WHORE!

Um, which whore are we talking about this time?

VValentino

Fucking Angel Dust! Who the Hell else would I be talking about?! That fucking slut! Walked out on me. ME! I fucking MADE him! Without me, he's just a bag of meat with some mildly entertaining holes.

Oh, Angel quit?

VValentino

NO! He didn't fuckin' quit! It's worse! He MOVED! He thinks he can just walk in here, work and then go somewhere else?! Can you FUCKIN' believe that?! He thinks he can run off and shack up with Lucifer's bimbo daughter.

Angel is... living with Lucifer's daughter, now?

VValentino

Yeah, that bitch Chalkie, Chandler or... I dunno, somethin' mannish like that. She's got this hotel, and- which of these makes me look sexier? [turns around hefting a pair of handguns, one gold and one pink]

What are you doing, Val? You're not going over there.

VValentino

That slippery twink is going to remember who owns him. I'm gonna fuck everyone in that rancid shithole, I swear to God-

VAL... Think about it. Our brand, is perfection. And, what do you think chasing whores around town will... do to our image?

VValentino

Uh... fuck it up?

Riiiight. Do you want people thinking you... can't control your employees?

VValentino

No!

Exactly! And hey, you've still got him under contract; he isn't going anywhere. So, you should...

VValentino

Do nothing?

Great idea! Now, that's why they pay you the big bucks.

VValentino

[grumbles] Well, I really wanted to shoot someone.

Well, let me call up the lowest earners this month.

VValentino

Oh, you know me too well. You know, Angel isn't the only one spending time at this ratty hotel with the Devil's princessa.

Oh, who else is there? Someone who... owes you money?

VValentino

Someone who owes us much more than money. The Radio Demon is there.

What did you just say?

VValentino

You heard me.

Alastor... came back... and he is with Lucifer's daughter...and THAT WASN'T THE FIRST FUCKING THING YOU TOLD ME?!

VValentino

Hey, killing Alastor is your kink.

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Let's begin. I'm gonna make you wish that I'd stayed gone,

tune on in

When I'm done, your status quo will know its race is run,

oh this will be fun

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So, how'd it go?

[sighs] Not a single recruit.

Yeah, well, who'd want ta not use their last days fucking an' fightin'?

Well, hello, my dear- Waitwaitwait, I come in peace!

What are you doing here?!

Vaggie, what's the problem- [gasps] Oh! Hello again!

I didn't come looking for a fight. I, uh, I heard that you're helping people. People who want...to be better?

You heard right! Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our-

Are you fuckin' nuts? This chump was tryin' to kill us, like, literally six hours ago. And now you wanna bring him in here, to live with us?

Absolutely! This place is about second chances. And who deserves one more than this...slithery... slippery... special little man?

[to Vaggie] Aren't you supposed to protect this place?

[sighs] I... guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine or even with the war machine.

Ohh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! Sir Pentious, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Ohh, no, darling, thank you. You won't regret this.

I give ya a week, tops.

So- this is the bar, and the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall, after you broke the last one, hehe. And, oh, this is-

Babe, you don't have to show him every detail.

Sorry, I'm just so excited to have our first real guest.

Uh, what the Hell am I, then?

Well, you're an important part of our family here, Angel. But, you, erm, uh...

Constantly make us look bad, sexually harrass the staff, and have literally never once tried to improve.

What she means is, it's just nice to have someone interested, for once. Over here, we have our maid, Niffty.

NNiffty

Ooo, the bad boy is back. Never leave me again.

We're about 80% sure she's harmless. And over here, we have- Oh! Uh, Alastor, our gracious facility manager. You've met our newest guest, Sir Pentious? [laughs]

Ah, yes. You're the one who ruined my coat. I definitely remember you now.

Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson. Ahem: How To Apologize. The first step to becoming a better person, is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try?

Yes, um... Mr., um, Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat. Um... here. [hands Alastor the shred of coat he tore off previously]

Oho. Not many people have been able to take even this much off of me. It must have meant quite a lot to you. [he incinerates it]

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[groans] I need a drink. The hardest you can make.

You look like shit.

Not possible. Just a long shoot. [drinks] I said a strong one.

Excuse me. Didn't realize this was a drink-to-forget kind of night.

Oh I forgot. You're the "wise old bartender who's seen it all". Get the fuck over yourself and pour me a real drink.

Look. If you've got a problem, you're not gonna find the answer at the bottom of a bottle. I should know, I've been looking there a long time.

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You just let people drug you all the time?

You think I ask for it? I don't ask for any of this shit! I didn't ask to be this way! I didn't ask for Charlie to save me, I didn't ask for you to save me. I can handle myself.

Really? Because I just saw someone self-destructing. It seems like, I don't know, you might need a bartender to talk to.

Oh, so now you're gonna act like you give a shit about me? You think after how you treated me, I'm gonna open up to you? Please.

Maybe I'd treat you better if you were real and not some bullshit version of yourself, always pushin' my boundaries. Lemme tell ya, nobody in that hotel cares who you are. How famous, how hot, so you might as well just cut the act.

It's not an act! It's who I need to be! [gestures to the bars and clubs around them] And this? This is my escape! Where I can forget about it all, how much I hate everything. A place where I can get high and not have to think about how much it hurts. And maybe, if I can ruin myself enough in the process, if I end up broken, I won't be his favorite toy anymore and maybe he'll let me go.

I was an Overlord once, you know. Yeah. And it was nice to have that power. But when you're dealin' in souls while also being a gambler, the stakes are pretty high. And losing a few hands, can be more than a little dangerous. So when you're down on your luck, you turn to anything to keep you afloat. Even makin' deals yourself. So I' know what it's like to regret the choices made and knowing you can't take it back.

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LKLucifer, King of Hell

[upon being asked if he knows Alastor] Hmm. No. Guess that's why Charlie called it the "Has-Been Hotel". [laughs]

[laughs] It was actually my idea.

Lucifer

[laughs] Well it's not very clever.

[laughs] Fuck you.

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Hey, boss? Can I have a word?

What is it?

You and I both know Mimzy only shows up when she needs somethin'. That bitch is trouble and who knows what kinda demon she fucked with to come runnin' to you this time?

[unconcerned] It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry, Husker. Who in their right mind would cross me?

I mean... [sighs] You've been gone a while. And it's not like anybody knows why.

[smug] They don't need to know and don't you worry your fuzzy head about it.

You may own my soul, but I ain't your fuckin' pet.

But you are. [Alastor goes to leave]

Big talk, for someone who's also on a leash.

[Alastor stops; the hallway lights flicker]

Ha- What did you say?

Nothin', I, uh-

[Alastor summons a glowing green chain, yanking Husk to the floor]

If you ever say that again, I will tear your soul apart, and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful wretch, who dares to question me!

Understood.

Lovely. Good talk, my good man! Always nice to catch up.

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