Charlie Morningstar quotes from Hazbin Hotel

Hello- [Charlie slams the door then opens it again] -o!

Charlie

Uh, Vaggie, the radio demon is here? What should I do?

Uh, who?

Well- don't let him in!

[Charlie opens the door again]

May I speak now?

Charlie

You may.

[Alastor barges in, enthusiastically shaking hands with Charlie]

Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you sweetheart, quite a pleasure! Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco in the picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock-market crash of 1929! [laughs] So many orphans.

[Vaggie gets in front of Alastor, pointing a spear at him]

Stop right there! I know your game. And I am not gonna let you hurt anyone here! You pompous, cheesy, edgo-shitlord.

[Alastor laughs this off, lowering the spear]

Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, [stares] I would have done so already.

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So, how'd it go?

[sighs] Not a single recruit.

Yeah, well, who'd want ta not use their last days fucking an' fightin'?

Well, hello, my dear- Waitwaitwait, I come in peace!

What are you doing here?!

Charlie Morningstar

Vaggie, what's the problem- [gasps] Oh! Hello again!

I didn't come looking for a fight. I, uh, I heard that you're helping people. People who want...to be better?

Charlie Morningstar

You heard right! Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our-

Are you fuckin' nuts? This chump was tryin' to kill us, like, literally six hours ago. And now you wanna bring him in here, to live with us?

Charlie Morningstar

Absolutely! This place is about second chances. And who deserves one more than this...slithery... slippery... special little man?

[to Vaggie] Aren't you supposed to protect this place?

[sighs] I... guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine or even with the war machine.

Charlie Morningstar

Ohh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! Sir Pentious, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Ohh, no, darling, thank you. You won't regret this.

I give ya a week, tops.

Charlie Morningstar

So- this is the bar, and the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall, after you broke the last one, hehe. And, oh, this is-

Babe, you don't have to show him every detail.

Charlie Morningstar

Sorry, I'm just so excited to have our first real guest.

Uh, what the Hell am I, then?

Charlie Morningstar

Well, you're an important part of our family here, Angel. But, you, erm, uh...

Constantly make us look bad, sexually harrass the staff, and have literally never once tried to improve.

Charlie Morningstar

What she means is, it's just nice to have someone interested, for once. Over here, we have our maid, Niffty.

NNiffty

Ooo, the bad boy is back. Never leave me again.

Charlie Morningstar

We're about 80% sure she's harmless. And over here, we have- Oh! Uh, Alastor, our gracious facility manager. You've met our newest guest, Sir Pentious? [laughs]

Ah, yes. You're the one who ruined my coat. I definitely remember you now.

Charlie Morningstar

Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson. Ahem: How To Apologize. The first step to becoming a better person, is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try?

Yes, um... Mr., um, Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat. Um... here. [hands Alastor the shred of coat he tore off previously]

Oho. Not many people have been able to take even this much off of me. It must have meant quite a lot to you. [he incinerates it]

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SSusan

Boo! Bring Rosie back!

Charlie

Susan?

RARosie and Alastor

Susan.

Charlie

Sorry. Uh, okay, uh, my name's Charlie, and... well, I run this hotel with my part... well someone and-- Wait, let me start over. Angels are coming to kill us all and we need help defending our realm. So we, uh... we need your help-- With your assistance, we can make a stand for-- [singing] I...I have a dream, and I--

SSusan

Boo! Get off the stage, you blueblood bitch! Boo! We don't give a shit about some hotel! Leave before I eat those big-ass eyes of yours! Boo! Get off! Where's the showmanship?! Where's all the finesse?! Fucking mediocre!

Charlie

FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH!!!!!!!!!

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Charlie

[sees Lucifer saved her from Adam] Dad?

Sorry I wasn't here sooner, sweetie.

Adam

Okay, seriously, how many of you freaks do I have to fight?

Oh, I'm the only one that matters. See, you messed with my daughter, and now, I am going to FUCK YOU!

VValentino

Well, this just got interesting.

Charlie

It's "fuck you up".

Wait, what'd I say?

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You come at me and my daughter?! Don't forget YOU'RE IN MY HOUSE, BITCH!

Charlie

Whoa, whoa! Dad...he's had enough.

Alright. [to Adam] How's mercy taste, you little bitch?

Adam

No. You don't get to end this. I'm fucking Adam! I'm the fucking man, and you're just some fucking clown or something! I STARTED EVERYTHING ON EARTH! ALL OF MANKIND CAME FROM THESE FUCKING NUTS! You all should be worshipping me! You ungrateful, disgusting, FUCKING LOSERS!

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Vox

Say it, Charlie. Look into the camera and tell everyone out there that you lost and I'm the most powerful sinner in Hell. Not Lilith, not Alastor, not the Vee's, me.

Charlie

Never!

Oh, the drama. You know what? Maybe you should say it, Charlie. Stroke my friend's ego, he needs it.

Charlie

What? Alastor, why?

Ah-ah-ah! C'mon, Charlie. Do me this one simple favor.

Charlie

Don't make me.