Alastor quotes from Hazbin Hotel

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Scenes with Alastor 10

Alastor

Hello- [Charlie slams the door then opens it again] -o!

Uh, Vaggie, the radio demon is here? What should I do?

Uh, who?

Well- don't let him in!

[Charlie opens the door again]

Alastor

May I speak now?

You may.

[Alastor barges in, enthusiastically shaking hands with Charlie]

Alastor

Alastor! Pleasure to be meeting you sweetheart, quite a pleasure! Excuse my sudden visit, but I saw your fiasco in the picture show, and I just couldn't resist! What a performance! Why, I haven't been that entertained since the stock-market crash of 1929! [laughs] So many orphans.

[Vaggie gets in front of Alastor, pointing a spear at him]

Stop right there! I know your game. And I am not gonna let you hurt anyone here! You pompous, cheesy, edgo-shitlord.

[Alastor laughs this off, lowering the spear]

Alastor

Dear, if I wanted to hurt anyone here, [stares] I would have done so already.

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Alastor

And what can you do, my effeminate fellow?

I can suck your dick.

Alastor

Ha! No.

Your loss.

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If Freaky-Face over there is so powerful, why can't he just make people stay here?

Alastor

Oh, trust me, I can.

Why do ya think I'm here? You don't actually think I'd be here scrubbing bottles and listening to you fucks bitch and moan all the time if he [Alastor] wasn't forcing me?

NNifty

I like being forced.

Keep that to yourself, Nif.

What, you don't like being here with me, Whiskers?

Call me Whiskers again, and I'll jam that bottle down your throat.

Kinky. Come on, keep talking dirty.

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So, how'd it go?

[sighs] Not a single recruit.

Yeah, well, who'd want ta not use their last days fucking an' fightin'?

Well, hello, my dear- Waitwaitwait, I come in peace!

What are you doing here?!

Vaggie, what's the problem- [gasps] Oh! Hello again!

I didn't come looking for a fight. I, uh, I heard that you're helping people. People who want...to be better?

You heard right! Welcome to our home of healing, our resort of restoration, our-

Are you fuckin' nuts? This chump was tryin' to kill us, like, literally six hours ago. And now you wanna bring him in here, to live with us?

Absolutely! This place is about second chances. And who deserves one more than this...slithery... slippery... special little man?

[to Vaggie] Aren't you supposed to protect this place?

[sighs] I... guess he's not much of a threat without the war machine or even with the war machine.

Ohh, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou! Sir Pentious, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!

Ohh, no, darling, thank you. You won't regret this.

I give ya a week, tops.

So- this is the bar, and the bartender. This is the curtain, and this is the new wall, after you broke the last one, hehe. And, oh, this is-

Babe, you don't have to show him every detail.

Sorry, I'm just so excited to have our first real guest.

Uh, what the Hell am I, then?

Well, you're an important part of our family here, Angel. But, you, erm, uh...

Constantly make us look bad, sexually harrass the staff, and have literally never once tried to improve.

What she means is, it's just nice to have someone interested, for once. Over here, we have our maid, Niffty.

NNiffty

Ooo, the bad boy is back. Never leave me again.

We're about 80% sure she's harmless. And over here, we have- Oh! Uh, Alastor, our gracious facility manager. You've met our newest guest, Sir Pentious? [laughs]

Alastor

Ah, yes. You're the one who ruined my coat. I definitely remember you now.

Well, I guess this is a great time for your first lesson. Ahem: How To Apologize. The first step to becoming a better person, is to admit when you are wrong. Why don't you give it a try?

Yes, um... Mr., um, Radio Demon, sir. Please forgive me for attacking you and ruining your very lovely coat. Um... here. [hands Alastor the shred of coat he tore off previously]

Alastor

Oho. Not many people have been able to take even this much off of me. It must have meant quite a lot to you. [he incinerates it]

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LKLucifer, King of Hell

[upon being asked if he knows Alastor] Hmm. No. Guess that's why Charlie called it the "Has-Been Hotel". [laughs]

Alastor

[laughs] It was actually my idea.

Lucifer

[laughs] Well it's not very clever.

Alastor

[laughs] Fuck you.

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Hey, boss? Can I have a word?

Alastor

What is it?

You and I both know Mimzy only shows up when she needs somethin'. That bitch is trouble and who knows what kinda demon she fucked with to come runnin' to you this time?

Alastor

[unconcerned] It's nothing I can't handle. Don't worry, Husker. Who in their right mind would cross me?

I mean... [sighs] You've been gone a while. And it's not like anybody knows why.

Alastor

[smug] They don't need to know and don't you worry your fuzzy head about it.

You may own my soul, but I ain't your fuckin' pet.

Alastor

But you are. [Alastor goes to leave]

Big talk, for someone who's also on a leash.

[Alastor stops; the hallway lights flicker]

Alastor

Ha- What did you say?

Nothin', I, uh-

[Alastor summons a glowing green chain, yanking Husk to the floor]

Alastor

If you ever say that again, I will tear your soul apart, and broadcast your screams for every other disrespectful wretch, who dares to question me!

Understood.

Alastor

Lovely. Good talk, my good man! Always nice to catch up.

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SSusan

Boo! Bring Rosie back!

Susan?

RARosie and Alastor

Susan.

Sorry. Uh, okay, uh, my name's Charlie, and... well, I run this hotel with my part... well someone and-- Wait, let me start over. Angels are coming to kill us all and we need help defending our realm. So we, uh... we need your help-- With your assistance, we can make a stand for-- [singing] I...I have a dream, and I--

SSusan

Boo! Get off the stage, you blueblood bitch! Boo! We don't give a shit about some hotel! Leave before I eat those big-ass eyes of yours! Boo! Get off! Where's the showmanship?! Where's all the finesse?! Fucking mediocre!

FUCK YOU, YOU OLD BITCH!!!!!!!!!

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Alastor

Adam: First man, next to die.

Who the fuck are you?

Alastor

Alastor. Pleasure to be meeting you, quite a pleasure. I'm about to end your fucking life.

Nice voice. Don't you know jazz is for PUSSIES?! You really think you can take me on? A mortal soul is no match for me, edgelord.

Alastor

You should know better than anyone what a soul can accomplish when they take charge of their own fate.

Oh-ho, you think you're tough shit, huh?

Alastor

Tougher than you. [laughs] You lack discipline, control. And worst? You're sloppy.

And you're— [is set upon by Alastor's minions] F-Fuck you, you red piece of— Too much fucking red— SHUT UP!

Alastor

Poetry.

I'm gonna wipe that shit-eating grin off your face cause radio is FUCKING DEAD!!

Alastor

What just happened? Fuck.

YES! Fuck you, Alastor! This is better than sex!

Alastor

Have to disagree with you, there. Radio's not dead, but it is ending this broadcast.

Bye, bitch.

NO! Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! PUSSY!

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Say it, Charlie. Look into the camera and tell everyone out there that you lost and I'm the most powerful sinner in Hell. Not Lilith, not Alastor, not the Vee's, me.

Never!

Alastor

Oh, the drama. You know what? Maybe you should say it, Charlie. Stroke my friend's ego, he needs it.

What? Alastor, why?

Alastor

Ah-ah-ah! C'mon, Charlie. Do me this one simple favor.

Don't make me.

Alastor

Go on. Tell everyone he's the strongest.

Vox is the strongest sinner in Hell.

[Sinners all over Hell cheer at the news]

OH YEAH!!! Look, Princess! Hell's finally listening to you!

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Ho-oh, Charlie. You have no idea what you've done for me. All I can say is, thank you so much for sucking so much at everything you try to do. Just...Thank you.

Alastor

You absolute IDIOT!

Fuck is going on?! Get back in your chair!

Alastor

You swore to not lay your hands on Charlie, but you just couldn't help yourself, could you? You fucking creep. You're always doing that, and I HATE IT!

What, this? This–this doesn't count! I didn't hurt her!

Alastor

I didn't say not to hurt her, you moron. I said, you're not to lay your hands on her and you did. You pathetic amateur.

Fucking wordplays? You tricked me with a fucking technicality? Seriously?

Alastor

Hmm, it worked, didn't it? Baby, I'm a Demon in Hell, it's kind of our thing. You're nothing, if not predictable.

FUCK YOU! Doesn't matter that you're free, I'll just beat your ass back into submission! I am more powerful than I've ever been!

Alastor

Oh, don't sell yourself short. You're the most powerful sinner in Hell, now. I have to thank you for that. Your little power grab helped to break another chain that's been holding me back for quite some time. And now, we can finally settle this once and for all. Finally, a fight with you that might be a challenge. Your screams will make for a satisfying broadcast.

BROADCAST THIS, FUCKER!