Steve McGarrett quotes from Hawaii Five-0

Steve

This morning, where were you?

Complying with the state's own constitutional invasion of my physical sovereignty.

Danny

[confused] Come again?

I was peeing in a cup for my PO.

Mary

I'll just call Child Protective Services and Joan will have to be placed in foster care for a while. I just hope that the trauma doesn't affect her cognitive development.

Steve

"Cognitive"? You don't even know what that word means.

Mary

You're a horrible uncle, you know that?

Steve

Is this funny to you?

Danny

Yeah!

Steve

So when you're through amusing yourself, I need you to wipe down and change her pads, please.

Danny

[smirks] Not at all. I'm retired, you see. And it's gonna be way too entertaining to see Uncle Steve on diaper duty, so go ahead.

Hey, why is there a baby attached to your chest?

Where's my money?

Steve

Where's your money? Good news is, we got your money and your guns. Bad news is, we got your money and your guns.

Lou

This is more than a complaint, it's a problem! This is about the complete lack of accountability that allows this man's behaviour to go unchecked!

DON'T TELL ME HOW TO DO MY JOB, CAPTAIN! Look, I have a full schedule and I don't have time to play principal! This is a small island, I expect you to play nicely together in our sandbox, understood?

Lou

Yes, sir.

Steve?

Steve

Yes, sir.

Lou Grover

Damn it!

Steve

What's wrong?

Lou

Was I talking to you?

Steve

You have a very angry disposition, you know that?

Lou

Oh, well, maybe it's 'cause I'm with you.

Steve

[annoyed] Would you stop doing that? You look like a flying giraffe.

Lou

How can there be no cell reception up here?

Steve

Welcome to Waimanalo.

Lou

You know, McGarrett, I got to ask you, why is it that you are the constant variable in every pile of crap I step in?

Steve

[sarcastically] Oh, that's good; this is my fault.

Lou

I'm just calling it like I see it, man. Wherever you go, trouble follows.

Steve

That's funny coming from you.

Lou

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Steve

You don't think I did my homework, huh? HPD hires a new SWAT commander, you don't think I'm gonna check you out? It's not every day that a 20-year vet on track to becoming superintendent up and moves to a rock in the middle of the Pacific. Unless he's running from something.

Lou

Oh, by night, he's a Navy SEAL, by day, he's a shrink.

Aunt Deb

Well, look at you. Let me see. I see a little gray fleck up there. I think it makes you look very distinguished.

Steve

[smiles] Thank you very much.

Deb

[looks down and frowns at the tattoos on Steve's biceps] The tattoos, not so much.

Steve

Do you wanna tell me what happened?

Deb

[sheepishly] Well...I needed some grass and, uh, how was I supposed to know the guy was a narc [a HPD Narcotics officer]?

Steve

What?

Deb

I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for those fascists at the dispensary. They wouldn't take my card.

Steve

What the matter? You're all right?

Danny

Why wouldn't I be all right?

Lou Grover

Well, you do seem a little nervous.

Danny

Nervous? We're about to meet the President. Why are you so zen? That's a better question. All of you.

Steve

I was nervous too, the first time.

Danny

The first time? When did you meet the President?

Steve

I can't tell you that. That's classified.

Danny

Oh, it's classified, huh? Was it during Operation Strawberry Fields?

Steve

[mumbles to himself] I've already said too much.

Leave before I call the cops!

Steve

Uh, sir, we are the cops.

I've never heard of "Five-O".

Steve

Ok, how about...here, I'll show you my badge again. [takes out his badge]

[indignantly] Son, are you implying I can't see or read?!

Danny

I see what's happening. You know what you're becoming, right?

Steve

But you're gonna tell me, aren't you.

Danny

A big softie.

Steve

[mutters to himself] I was right.

Danny

With a bleeding heart. Which somehow you don't have. I don't know, maybe you're becoming a human being, Steve.

I remembered why your grandfather's picture was in our family photo album. There was this young serviceman who used to come to our house for tutoring. He and his wife were about to have another child and he wanted better for them, so he asked my father to help him prepare for an officer aptitude test. For three months, he would come over after dinner, and when he had spare time, he'd play catch with me. That man was your grandfather, Steven McGarrett. And the last time I saw him was December 6, 1941. The night he gave me this. [gives Steve a catcher's mitt; Steve tests its grip] It was a gift for my father's help. You have his heart. That's how I remembered.

Steve McGarrett

Mahalo.

Chin Ho

[chuckles at the sight of Danny in a t-shirt and denim shorts] Guess it's casual Friday. Must have missed the memo.

Danny

Oh, that'd be funny if it wasn't Tuesday.

Steve

[to Chin] Annual beach cleanup at Gracie's school.

Danny

Right. Which I'd much rather be spending my Christmas Eve over there than with a dead guy, all right? So if we could speed this up, that'd be nice.

Steve

Hey, Max.

Max

Oh, gentlemen, come on in. You are just in time.

Danny

Time for what? A game of Operation?

Max

I would prefer if you would refrain from making your mildly entertaining witticisms as this takes complete concentration.

Danny

Yeah, no, I know you don't want to make the buzzer go off, right?

Max

[looks at Steve] I don't envy you, Commander.

Danny

What are you, uh, what are you doing?

Kamekona

"Tiny Bubbles." Written by Leon Pober, released by Don Ho in 1966.

Danny

Ah, and butchered by you here in 2013.

Steve

[grins] I liked it.

Kamekona

[grumbles under his breath] "Butchered". [hands Steve his ukelele and a piece of paper] This is for you, brah.

Steve

What is it?

Kamekona

Cost of doing business.

Steve

[looks at paper] No. This is this-this is $300. [Kamekona looks at him] What do you–– $300 for a ukulele?!

Kamekona

That's koa wood, brah. And good information does not come cheap. Especially during the holiday season.

Danny

Wow. You actually have a wallet.