Kamekona quotes from Hawaii Five-0

[greets Kamekona] Baby Huey, it's good. [to Steve] What's the matter with you, huh? We got a situation. Where've you been? I’ve been calling you like you owe me money.

What are you talking about? I didn't hear my phone.

Called you like five, six times.

I believe you. I didn't hear my phone, I left it right over here. [points to where Kamekona is sitting] Where's my phone? You see my phone?

Kamekona

[pulls Steve's cellphone from under his butt] Oh. Oh sorry.

You didn't feel that vibrating? Ever?

Kamekona

Oh, that's what it was.

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[Danny finds out that Steve has found someone to babysit Grace and it turns out to be Kamekona]

Kamekona

Howzit, bruddah? I hear you got a high-priority assignment for me.

High-pri––Yeah. [looks at Steve] Are you sure this is a good idea?

He looked after my sister.

Yeah, I know, and your sister ran away.

Hey.

Kamekona

That's bulai, brah. She tricked me. Playing on my emotional vulnerabilities.

That part's true.

Shut up, you.

Kamekona

And besides, I'm great with keikis. I got this.

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[sees Kamekona in a tracksuit] When did you start jogging?

Kamekona

I'm in training, brah.

Did he just say he's in a training bra?

No, he...

Very funny.

Kamekona

I'm training for a sumo competition.

Oh. Sumo.

Sumo.

Shouldn't you be, uh, wearing a diaper? Big diaper? Something like that?

Kamekona

It's called a mawashi, brah. Lip off to me one more time, I'll give you a personal introduction to the sport.

I like my odds. Bring it.

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[Steve is surprised that Kamekona is serving him breakfast]

Kamekona, what are you doing here?

Kamekona

Came to cook you breakfast.

Okay, let me rephrase that: What are you doing in my house?

Kamekona

Kukui High versus McKinley's semi-final game. We bet. I lost. Okay, that was a joke, brah.

Oh, no joke, brother.

Kamekona

Kamekona no welch. Had that little punk made his free throws, you would've been taking me to the water park this weekend. Instead, I gotta serve as your personal chef the whole week. First up, spam. Potato frittatas and spam fried rice.

Okay, so everything you're going to cook for me this week, is it going to have Spam in it?

Kamekona

Of course. It's the Hawaiian steak, the nectar of the islands.

Do you know what's in Spam? I'll tell you. It's processed pork parts, salt, and meat stock.

Kamekona

That's what give 'em the glaze. Taste.

[avoids him] I don't want to taste.

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Kamekona

You know, Gracie, when I was a little keiki like you, my mama used to bring me this chicken every time I was sick.

GWGrace Williams

Fried chicken isn't good for you. It has cholesterol and causes heart disease.

Kamekona

Nah, a little bit of grease is good for you. Helps the insides stay lubricated.

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Kamekona

Now dig in to the grinds, and tell me what you think, please.

Joe White

[takes a bite of the jambalaya] Jambalaya has got some kick. [looks at Steve] Try it.

[Steve takes a shrimp and nearly chokes due to its spiciness]

You got a cast-iron stomach that should be weaponized. [to Kamekona] You got any water in there?

Kamekona

Sparkling or flat?

Seriously, I can't breathe right now.

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What we need to know from you is who around here poaches animals?

Kamekona

Why are you asking me? I sell shrimp, not baby seals.

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[The gang eats at Kamekona's with a tuna fish Danno caught as the main course. Everyone agrees that the poke tastes good.]

Kamekona

I'll leave this with you, then. [gives Danny a piece of paper]

Danny Williams

What is this?

Kamekona

It's a bill.

I see that it's a bill, but why are you giving it to me? I brought you a fish what are you charging me for?

Kamekona

My cooking services.

What?

Kamekona

Superior life skills.

Kelly

What is that, like a corkage fee?

Kamekona

Exactly.

Oh, cooking what? What'd you cook? It's raw fish. You didn't cook anything.

Kamekona

All right, you brought me fish, I gave you a meal.

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Kamekona

[serves Catherine her shrimp and rice] Whoa, that's twice in one day. You're getting to be a regular regular.

What can I say? This stuff is addictive.

Kamekona

Mm-hmm. Beauty and brains. Where have you been all of my life?

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Kamekona

How do I look?

You look like you're ready to report to SEAL Team Six, pal.

Kamekona

Yeah? For real?

For real.

Kamekona

'Cause I was thinking. I know you said no weapons and all?

Yeah?

Kamekona

But if you let me borrow some of those smoke grenades, I'm really gonna look legit.

What could possibly go wrong?

You know, no, no. We discussed that earlier. No, no, uh, heavy ordnances, okay?

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[Danny and Steve just stopped Kamekona from seeking revenge for the death of his cousin.]

You do this, you're gonna end up in prison, and we do not want that.

Kamekona

I'm touched.

Don't give me a puppy-dog sad eyes, please. You're not off the hook.

You're on house arrest till this I over.

Kamekona

I've got an island to feed, brah.

Okay, then you are on shrimp truck lockdown till otherwise advised. Is that clear?

Kamekona

Like the sweet waters of Hanauma Bay.

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[Danny and Steve were arguing about which of Peyton Manning or Tom Brady is the better quarterback of their generation]

Kamekona

Look, I think the takeaway is we're living in the new golden age of quarterbacks. We got Brady, Manning, Rodgers, Brees. It's almost an embarrassment of riches.

[pauses] That's a deeply insightful analysis.

Kamekona

I just hate to see you two guys fight.

[looks at Steve] Fight?

This isn't fighting.

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[Kamekona, Max and Flipper are in the stands at the Pro Bowl. Max is wearing a Japan national football team jersey.]

Kamekona

You realize this is not that kind of football, right?

Max

I'm being ironic.

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[Steve is teaching Kamekona how to fly a helicopter using a flight simulator video game at his house]

Kamekona

Ten-year post-parole plan is working out. I got my shave ice, I got my shrimp, and when I officially open Kamekona's Island Tours, that'll be my entrepreneurial peak. Like King Kamehameha landing on Waikiki, I'll rule Oahu.

[Catherine comes back from a surf sporting a bikini. Kamekona and Steve both look at her]

Aw boys and their toys. How cute.

Kamekona

This ain't no toy, sistah.

That's right. This is the most technologically advanced flight simulator on the market.

Huh. Well, it looks a whole lot like a video game to me.

[Steve and Kamekona turn back to the video game]

SKSteve and Kamekona

[on TV screen, simulator helicopter is about the crash] Oh up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, up! What are you doing? Pull up! Pull up! Pull up, up, up, up, - up, up - Oh!

[amused at their reaction] Got two words for you: game over!

If you crash a helicopter full of paying customers, it's not gonna be good for your tour business. You understand?

Kamekona

I was distracted, brah. Sistah came in dressed like that. How am I supposed to not look?

Aw. Kammy, if you hadn't crashed in the middle of the ocean, I might have taken you out for a drink.

Kamekona

That's the beauty of a flight simulator. When you flame out, just hit restart.

[...]