Dr. Max Bergman quotes from Hawaii Five-0

Kono

So you deal with dead bodies all day, and your hobby is dead bodies?

Max

I also make pickles. It’s a good way to reuse specimen jars.

Max

I came directly to work after a costume party.

Danny

Come on, you don't secretly have this thing where you look dressing up like you're in The Matrix.

Max

The two concepts are not mutually exclusive.

Steve

Time travel doesn't exist.

Max

On the contrary, there are several theories....

Danny

With all due respect. For argument's sake, let's say this man didn't own a DeLorean and is from the 21st century.

Danny

First of all, please slow down. We don't even know which way they're going.

Steve

This road is the only way out of the marina.

Danny

Easy, please, easy, Speed Racer. HUH?!!

Max

Actually, this vehicle was engineered to be driven in this manner.

Danny

Would you stop, Max?! You're not helping! [pause; answers ringing cellphione] Kono, this is not a good time. You're interrupting vehicular manslaughter.

Kono

[confused] Is that good or bad?

Max

Perplexing.

Danny

You going to a hip-hop class later or what?

Max

Halloween party. This year I decided to continue my tradition of Keanu-themed costumes by dressing up as Ted "Theodore" Logan from the 1989 classic Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure.

Steve

[does a ILY sign] "Party time." [looks at Danny] Excellent.

Danny

No, no, no.

Max

That catchphrase is from Wayne's World. What you are looking for was simply "Excellent" or "Party on, dude," but thank you for the effort.

Steve

Okay, it was very close.

Kono

So what killed him, the fire or the car?

Max

My preliminary examinations indicate that the immediate cause of death was blunt-force trauma due to impact with the car. However, if the victim was not set ablaze and hit by the car, he would have died as a result of the gunshot wound he sustained to his chest.

Kono

Okay, so he was shot, burned and hit by a car? Wow. This guy's having a great day.

We got metal detectors out in the field and picked up a nine-millimeter shell casing.

Max

But that's not all.

Kono

Please don't tell me he was poisoned or stabbed.

Max

As far as I can tell, he was not. However, I did detect traces of accelerant on his body - gasoline.

Kono

: Okay, so he was shot, doused with gasoline and then left in a sugar cane field that was about to be burned.

Kamekona

You realize this is not that kind of football, right?

Max

I'm being ironic.

Danny

Hey, hey! What are you doing? You getting a seizure? Stop it.

Max

I just felt the Magnum, P.I. theme was appropriate.

Kamekona

Oh, I used to love that show. Higgy Baby was the man.

Max

I was very fond of Higgins myself. And Commander McGarrett shares the same Navy SEAL lineage as Magnum, and... [looks sheepishly at Danny]

Danny

And what? What? I'm not Rick, okay?

Max

Well, everyone can agree that you're Commander McGarrett's humorous sidekick. [Steve chuckles]

Kamekona

And if we're playing this game, it's obvious who I am: the dashing chopper pilot, T.C. [gang hums theme]

Steve

Hey, Max.

Max

Oh, gentlemen, come on in. You are just in time.

Danny

Time for what? A game of Operation?

Max

I would prefer if you would refrain from making your mildly entertaining witticisms as this takes complete concentration.

Danny

Yeah, no, I know you don't want to make the buzzer go off, right?

Max

[looks at Steve] I don't envy you, Commander.

Max

[hands Chin and Lou coats as the victim is in a freezer] Gentlemen, the good news is our homicide victim is well-preserved. The bad news, it's below zero in there.

Lou

[scoffs] You know what we call below zero in Chicago? April.

Max

Commander, after a thorough examination, I've determined that each of our young victims were suffering from acute dehydration and starvation in the days leading up to and at the time of their deaths.

Chin Ho Kelly

Take a look at this. [taps screen for news clipping] The week they disappeared was one of the hottest on record for Oahu. Daytime temps hovered in the mid-90s for five straight days.

Max

And this is the basement that the school used as solitary confinement. The same one that Tahni saw the boys being led into the night they returned.

Lou Grover

No windows, no ventilation. Must have been unbearable down there.

Max

In that kind of heat, left in a poorly ventilated space, without food or water for a significant amount of time would be equivalent to leaving an infant in a car with a rolled-up window in the middle of the summer. As a result of all these findings, I'm listing the official cause of death as homicide.

Max

And may I ask what Cupid has in store for you?

I have a date with my Kindle and a nice bottle of Cab.

Max

Ah, how wonderfully pathetic.

Dr. Shaw

What's pathetic is a made-up commercial holiday dedicated to the patron saint of not only love, but of epilepsy, fainting and the plague.

Max

Well, romantics, such as myself, view Valentine's Day as a perfect opportunity to express our true feelings for the one we love.

Dr. Shaw

Saint Valentine was brutally murdered by a Roman emperor.

Danny

So like, uh, like I said, our job is to uphold the laws of this great country. Without policemen, without policewomen, uh, there'd be no order. And order is, um it's the backbone to any civilized society. And, yes, I like doughnuts very much. If anybody has any questions, uh, please, you can ask them now. [points at a boy raising his hand] Yes.

What's it like cutting up dead people?

Danny

I don't do that.

[refers to Max] I was asking him.

Max

The vivisection of a once-living organism as a scientific necessity can be quite rewarding if it yields forensic results.

Max

Quite the opposite. Thank you for asking.

Max

Good morning. I have a tuxedo fitting, so I'll be making this quick.

Danny

Oh, what are you doing? You doing powder blue, or, uh, crushed velvet?

Max

While both are valid choices, I will be attending Kono's wedding in a more traditional palette.

Danny

Pea soup green?

Max

Unlike you, Detective Williams, I have no insecurities when it comes to bold colors.

Danny

Insecurities?

Steve

He's right-- you hate color.

Danny

I hate color? I don't hate color. I like color very much.