Jerry Ortega quotes from Hawaii Five-0

Jerry

[watches Chin run facial recognition software on a suspect] Facial recognition. Total violation of our First Amendment rights.

Jerry

I always thought these shows were scripted propaganda created by huge media conglomerates to brainwash the L.I.V.'s. [Chin looks at him blankly] Low-information viewers. They scare the unwitting public into demanding more police on the street and then use it as an excuse to raise taxes to feed the beast that is Uncle Sam.

Steve

[introducing Jerry to Catherine] This is Jerry-- he is our special consultant.

Danny

Yeah, Roswell division.

Catherine

It's nice to meet you, Jerry, I'm Catherine. Uh, why don't you guys come this way?

Jerry

[whispers to Danny] She'll do.

Danny

Oh, no, no, no, listen, her, uh, boyfriend is a complete animal. You want to stay away from that one, trust me.

We should go on a ride-along sometime.

Chin Ho

Actually, we don't do those things. That's HPD.

Oh. Well, that's okay. 'Cause I actually meant ride-along in the car, to a bar. There's a great new place that just opened on Merchant Street.

Chin Ho

I'll call you.

Okay. [leaves]

Jerry

[sees her leave; to Chin Ho] Naughty Nani. "Most likely to be married five times."

Chin Ho

She just dumped number six.

Jerry

Ooh. An opening. I got a shot. [sees Chin Ho's doubtful face] What?

Chin Ho

Nothing.

Jerry

Ah, there he is. [everyone laughs at Chin's pic]

Danny Williams

What a goofball. What-what is that? You got the fencing team, you're in the band, and look at this.

Catherine Rollins

Uh, mathletes? Junior mathletes? It's amazing.

Chin Ho

I had a wide variety of interests, okay? And don't forget QB1 and captain of the football team.

Kono

All right. What about you, Jerry?

Jerry

Mm, there I am.

Catherine

Oh, yeah, buddy.

Kono

Whoo! "Most likely to be abducted by aliens".

Catherine

It's not too late. You all right?

Jerry

[reads dedication] "Don't ever stop asking questions. The world needs more people like you." Laura wrote that.

Jerry

How can I help?

Steve

So, listen, if somebody wanted to live off the grid, Jerry, and I'm talking like Big Brother-fearing, income tax-avoiding, way, way off the grid, where would they go?

Kono

We're talking no phone service, no nosey tourists, no contact with the outside world.

Lou

What they're trying to say is where do your like-minded friends all live? How many people we looking at? Maybe a dozen, possibly more.

Kamekona

You know what your problem is, brah? You're the hoarder.

Jerry

Yeah, a hoarder of truth.

Jerry, compulsive hoarding is a symptom of OCD. Have you ever been diagnosed?

Jerry

Oh, yeah, Dr. Shaw? Hanging out with dead people all day could be considered borderline necrophilia. Have you ever been diagnosed?

Dr. Shaw

Denial is another symptom.

Hello, Mr. Ortega.

Jerry

What are you doing here?

Returning your book. Did you ever read it?

Jerry

No.

There's a passage in here that warns of the perils of meddling in someone else's affairs. "He who does will face retribution."

Jerry

Whatever happened to "immunity and means"? Since when does Five-O need a warrant?

Steve

Since you decided to conduct your own illegal surveillance operation, Jerry.

Jerry

[about Thomas Farrow] My money's on him being an MI-6 bad-ass. That's British Secret Intelligence Service.

Danny

I know. I've seen James Bond.

Jerry

Hey, can you guys manage here without me? [Steve glares at him]

Danny

[facetiously] No.

Jerry

Well, you're gonna have to. I have a British source. He's kind of my one-stop-shop for all Brit-related intel. We also watch Doctor Who together.

Danny

[sees Kono and Chin arriving at the crime scene] Hey. Welcome to the, uh, freak show. We got 17 Elvises, all of them potential suspects or witnesses.

Jerry

Actually, the correct terminology is "Elvii." But you can also call them ETAs. Elvis Tribute Artists.

Lou

Oh, Jerry, by the way, I've been meaning to ask you. You're not one of those nuts that thinks Elvis is still alive, are you?

Jerry

Of course not. No sane person believes he is. Elvis died years ago. Almost as long as Paul McCartney.

What? He's one of the two Beatles who actually is still alive.

Jerry

Nope. Died in a car crash in '67. Replaced with a look-alike.

Kono

One very talented look-alike.

Steve

Come on, Jer, everybody knows that's an urban legend.

Jerry

What?

Steve

What "what"?

Jerry

Have you listened to "Strawberry Fields"? The evidence is all there. John confessed.

Lou

[deadpan] Oh sure. And I suppose Ringo shot Kennedy.

Jerry

You know how many dead bodies I saw before I started hanging out with Five-O? That would be none. Nada. Zero. And the fun doesn't stop there. I mean, let's not forget being accused of robbery, being abducted, having my life's work stolen, and, oh, yeah, then there's that Chinese spy who broke into my house and tried to off me.

Yeah, we appreciate everything you've done for us, Jer.

Jerry

So where's the love? The aloha? A badge would be nice.

Fill this out. I'll need to check your iron level and your blood pressure to make sure you're safe to donate.

Jerry

Is that 'cause I'm a heavy guy?

[deadpan] No, because you're a vampire.