[holding a plush doll that looks like Elizabeth.] For some strange reason, I feel like I've seen this plushie before, but where? [checks the tag, which reads "Space Monster Stefan".] Uh? If this is a lucky charm, why did they write "Space Monster" on this tag? Hey, sir...
Run away!
[Otae stabs the plush doll with a naginata, nearly missing Shinpachi.]
S-sister! What are you doing?! You were gonna kill your own brother?!
Oh. It's you, Shinpachi.
Stefan... There's a hole in Stefan's belly!
Don't come home at a time like this. You got me confused.
N-not to come home? How can you say that to your dear little brother?
[with a deep, angry tone.] Damn it. Do you realize all the trouble I've been through while you were away?
Sister, your personality changed completely! What's going on?
[grabs the plushie with enough force to tear it apart.] What's going on, you ask? The more I recall it, the more furious I get!!! [rips open the plushie.]
Aah! Stefan! Wasn't he supposed to be part of this episode's plot?!
Eh? An underwear thief?
Yeah. It seems it happened while I was at the Odd Jobs, she had her underwear stolen twice.
[while Shinpachi speaks.] Whose coffee and chocolate ice cream is this?
Mine.
The veal fillets are mine!
Can you do anything about it?
[eating his ice cream.] What are you talking about?
I just told you, a panty thief!
Oh, panty thief?
That's right! While I was living at the Odd Jobs, her underwear was stolen twice! Aren't you gonna do anything?
[still eating the ice cream.] Do anything about what?
[exasperated] I'm telling you! The thief who's stealing underwear! Panties! [everyone in the restaurant suddenly turns their attention to Shinpachi.]
[nonchalantly] Oooh, a panty thief, right?
Are you even listening?
I heard that, a long time ago, people wore no underwear beneath their clothes. Craftswomen, girls walking around the street, little girls, even princesses...
Isn't it all the same? If you wanted to give examples, you should've given a broader age gap to nclude old women, adult women and young girls.
You dumbass! We're not talking about underwear, panties or wearing nothing! If we were talking about lingerie, we should talk only about young girls!
Hey, only old men say "panties" these days.
Eh? Are you serious?
You can't say "scantily clad" either.
Nobody says that these days.
One thing you should never say is "thong". That word robs the girls from their shyness and deprives men from their joy.
Well, I'm wearing a tie-up thong! [Gintoki and Shinpachi get startled.]
You liar! That's a lie!
I'm not lying. I've been wearing the same garments for years now. But now they're so wasted, there's only the cord left.
What kind of underwear is that?
In a way, you may say it's "vintage panties".
They're not worth a cent. Take 'em off.
Regardless, our ancestors never paid no mind to underwear, nor did they wear it. In other words, one could do whatever they liked. Even the princesses were valiant like generals under their kimonos!
That's actually not a bad contradiction.
Even when they seemed docile on the outside, they still were like a shogun on the inside. Or barbarians in-- [Otae interrupts him by punching his face.]
[deep, serious voice.] I don't want you to bother me with your "no underwear" theories. That darned thief stole my favorite "battle panties", the pervert!
"Battle panties"? You planned to fight somebody?
Exactly. I may need my full strength to settle the score. Never judge a book by its cover.
[still with Otae's fist buried on his face.] And what will that get you? Would it satisfy you to get revenge in a duel to the death just to recover something you lost? Is that acceptable, if only to recover your panties?
[with an evil smile.] It's not just the panties. I'll catch him and make him bleed.
Sister...!
That's not something a civilized, panty-wearing girl would say. I'd say that's the kind of thing you'd expect from a naked hunter from centuries ago.
Panty thieves are every woman's enemy! I'm willing to lend you my strength for this cause, Boss [Otae]!
[in her usual gentle tone.] Oh my, Kagura-chan. [back to the deep, vengeful tone.] Well said. Come on, let's drink to celebrate this sisterly relationship.
[also with a deeper voice.] Okay.
W-wait! You'll end up killing somebody!
We're done for. They [Otae and Kagura] just assembled an axis of evil.
Leave 'em. Think about it. Isn't the culprit clear by now?
Eh? Who could it be? [suddenly glares downward. The scene pans to show Kondo lying under the table.]
[whispering] Uh? I've been discovered? Couldn't be... But, uh... They must've spotted me. Ah! I've been caught! What's that?! You think I'm the thief?! [tries to stand, only to bang his head against the table.] A samurai of my class would never lower himself to steal women's panties!
A samurai would never live his life stalking people either.
Even if I was a stalker, I'd never be a panty thief! I'll sue you, bastards!
It's you who should be sued here.
[Kondo has told Gintoki and Shinpachi about the Loincloth-Masked Thief.]
Oh. So that's they story behind these panties. I always thought they were a gift from Santa.
Santa giving you panties? This isn't even Christmas time for God's sake!!!
Shut up! The Santa Claus of Kabuki-cho works all year!
[laughing] It comes to show how unpopular you are with girls! You're pathetic!
Yeah, I see. There's a proof that you, too, aren't popular with girls sticking out just like a sore thumb. [indeed, Kondo has a pair of panties halfway outside his coat. He notices and quickly covers it.]
Agh! This... This isn't that thief's doing!
Then you're even worse than the other guy...
[holding his panties with enough strength to almost tear them apart.] He's nothing but a pervert, but acts like a heroic thief! I cannot believe it... I just can't! [tears the panties.] How should he know I wasn't popular with the girls?!
Ah! The panties!!!
Here's the 35th Annual Panty Thief Capture Project! [everyone - Otae, Kagura, and many of the Shinsengumi members - celebrate.]
[deadpan] "35th"? "Annual"?
And, along with you people, we have here the self-appointed director, Mr. Isao Kondo, to give us his opening speech. [Kondo steps up.]
Well, the Shinsengumi is here to guard and protect the peace of the city. And what is peace? It is to make sure the people will live happily and free from disturbance! To assure the felicity of anyone under our care, we've sworn to make an even better peace! [Otae giggles, he blushes slightly.] That is why, Shinpachi-kun, protecting your sister's underwear is also in the Shinsengumi's mission!
Oh, that's just like the boss to use such an excuse. What a genius.
Hey!!!
By the way, what is the whole Shinsengumi doing here?
For revenge. Right, Hijikata-san?
[the crowd opens up, revealing Hijikata knelt on the ground behind them.]
It turns out someone's been stupid enough to send one of these pitiful panites to Hijikata-san. [shows the panties, which Hijikata promptly slashes to ribbons.]
He's a dead man.
[thinking] H-he's really gonna kill him!
Listen up! This is the Surrounded-by-Girls Panty Thief Capture Plan!
[everyone applauds, except for Hijikata, who just nods approvingly, and Shinpachi.]
What do you mean, "surrounded by girls"?
[holding up a pair of sparkly, fuchsia panties.] I'll use my "battle panties" as bait! They're strong and energetic, just like being punched by a cat!
Punched by a cat... [blood spurts from his nose as he falls over.]
Hang on, that's too much. No man would resist that. All of them would be drawn in.
Hmm... [holds up a pair of beige panties with a teddy bear's head printed on it] How about these then? If I had to describe them, I'd call them a "crimson knockout".
Crimson knockout... [more blood spurts from his nose and he falls down again.]
No, no, no. That would attract all perverts.
Couldn't you think of her brother, who's seen so much of his sister's underwear that he's grown desensitized to it? Kind of like a romantic scene that causes constipation when you watch a drama with your family.
And thus, a kid climbs the mountain towards maturity.
You! Stop jumping to conclusions!
Seeing your sister's panties is no big deal. Hijikata-san once caught his dad wearing a bra.
I see. The impact from that incident was what made him "cross the street".
No it wasn't!
[suddenly, Otae interrupts them all with a horizontal naginata slash.]
[furiously] I'm staking my life for my panties! If you got enough time to talk, you got time to work too, lazy-asses!
[frightened] Uh... yes!
Sister, you're sooo cool!
Listen! Our thief is a pervert who doesn't care about any defined amount of panties, but for the kind of women who possesses them. Therefore, he'll come. And then, we'll teach him a lesson. I don't give a damn if he uses a loincloth for a mask or if he steals panties. We just can't let him keep smearing the innocence of women and make fun of the pride that we, as men, feel! Let the spirits guide your steps towards the slaughter! Let's paint the white with the red of blood!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gin Tama pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
