[In the car playing 'Cruise, Marry, Shag']
Say it!
Go on!
Alright, alright, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler wouldn't I? Can we stop now?
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
Do you know, I said to Mick, if we had another son, I'd have loved him to be a homosexual. You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.
GGwen
Jason's good as gold like that. I miss him terribly, I do. Lights up a room.
Aaw! Like a little Will Young.
[Trying on a wedding dress]
I know it's white, right. But who can honestly say, hand on heart, they're a virgin these days?
MMagician
I can saw the bride in half. I can saw the groom in half. I can saw the best man in half.
Can you saw me in half?
MMagician
What relationship are you to the bride or groom?
Bride's uncle.
MMagician
No.
But, hang on! Her father, my brother, he's dead! See?
MMagician
Oh right. Yeah, well, that does change things.
You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat!
How?
Put it in your pocket.
Chilli con carne in my pocket? Are you insane?
[When Gavin's phone starts ringing]
Oh, it's Gareth Gates. I'll take it outside. He'll be ages.
Oh! Stace. Don't get me wrong, but to be honest, at the end of the day, when all said and done...d'you know what I mean?
EEveryone
Yeah.
Simple as.
On HTV Wales this morning, they said Cardiff town had been literally decimated by a group of unruly school girls. Joking I am! It wasn't on the news. Although, on the news, there was a story about a group of school girls who actually stabbed a teacher, which I think is disgusting.
I can't eat this.
FFingers
I know, it's nasty in it.
No, it's beautiful, it's just I can't believe it.
What?
Shut up.
Eh?!
How dare you, pathetic.
CAChinese Alan
Smithy!
BBudgie
Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.
What's wrong?
I've had enough. You've gone, you're someone else's.
DDirtbox
Ignore him, he's pissed!
Best man. Best mates since we was four. And now it's over!
You're just drunk, we'll always be mates, you know that.
My dad ain't seen his best man for 7 years. When him and my mum got divorced, he sent an e-mail. Degrading. He ain't been round our house since 1991.
DDirtbox
Who, your uncle Keith?
That's the one.
JJesus
But he emigrated to Canada...
Look who's opened his mouth. You're always first with the advice aren't you Jesus? You know what? No-one even wanted you here tonight, I had to make that t-shirt last minute!
EEveryone
*That's not true!*
It is true! I can't stand ya! And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, he can shove it up his arse.
JJesus
What've I done?
I'm going home. I made a fool of myself.
Smithy, come on.
Shut up.
[Smithy picks up kebab]:
What you doing with that?
I'll have it tomorrow.
[Smithy leaves with kebab]:
DDirtbox
Nice one Jesus!
JJesus
What did I do?!
DDirtbox
Shut up!
JJesus
What did I do?!
DDirtbox
Shut up!
JJesus
He's clearly in a mood!
DDirtbox
Shut up! Tit.
BBryn (to Gavin)
I am picking you up at seven. We're going straight down the Dolphin for a right good knees-up. Me cockney sparr-ah!
GGavin (Talking about Jason)
If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him.
Yeah, me too.
You? Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight.
Why?
Well, fat gays are like outcasts.
No, they're not.
Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael. Who's not in their gang? Russel Grant.
Russel Grant's not gay.
He is fat though.
You got those maps?
Shit!
Oh, you're kidding me!
I left them at Lucy's. She was colouring them in. I can't believe this!
How it's going, all right?
Ok, I'm glad you brought it up. Cos, I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...
Where to's she now then?
What?
Where to's she now?
Right, either speak English or learn Welsh. Cos that 'Where to's she...?' Do you mean where is she now?
Yeah.
Say that, then.
Where is she now?
Sixth-formers' netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it. She's wing attack.
DDoris
Mr and Mrs Shipman? That's bad luck by anyones standards.
GGriff
What now?
DDoris
Well she lives for the day she change her name from West, what with all the connotations and what have you, and what does she become? A Shipman.
GGriff
Ah, that's very unfortunate. I don't know which is worse.
DDoris
Surely Shipman?
GGriff
Well, it's six of one and half a dozen of the other.
DDoris
It was more than half a dozen, Griff. It was in the hundreds.
BBryn (messing with his new digital camera)
I've got night mode. Black and white. Use that later, probably, for effect. Er... Sepia, see-pia. I don't know how you say it. Got a feeling it's faulty. Just makes everything go brown.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Gavin & Stacey pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.