Gavin quotes from Gavin & Stacey

Gavin

Oh, it's Gareth Gates. I'll take it outside. He'll be ages.

Bryn

The truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.

Six quid for two slices of pizza. They takes the piss, these Cockneys.

This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Gavin

What's wrong with her?

Smithy

A, how old is it? B, have you seen the tattoo? And three, look at the size of it!

Gavin

Been powdering your nose?

Oh thanks Stace, thanks a lot. Look, let's get one thing straight. I dont touch that shit no more, alright? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it!

Smithy

And to top it all off, she's a drug addict.

Mick

Say it!

Smithy

Go on!

Gavin

Alright, alright, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler wouldn't I? Can we stop now?

Smithy

I can't eat this.

I know, it's nasty in it.

Smithy

No, it's beautiful, it's just I can't believe it.

Gavin

What?

Smithy

Shut up.

Gavin

Eh?!

Smithy

How dare you, pathetic.

Smithy!

Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.

Gavin

What's wrong?

Smithy

I've had enough. You've gone, you're someone else's.

Ignore him, he's pissed!

Smithy

Best man. Best mates since we was four. And now it's over!

Gavin

You're just drunk, we'll always be mates, you know that.

Smithy

My dad ain't seen his best man for 7 years. When him and my mum got divorced, he sent an e-mail. Degrading. He ain't been round our house since 1991.

Who, your uncle Keith?

Smithy

That's the one.

But he emigrated to Canada...

Smithy

Look who's opened his mouth. You're always first with the advice aren't you Jesus? You know what? No-one even wanted you here tonight, I had to make that t-shirt last minute!

*That's not true!*

Smithy

It is true! I can't stand ya! And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, he can shove it up his arse.

What've I done?

Smithy

I'm going home. I made a fool of myself.

Gavin

Smithy, come on.

Smithy

Shut up.

Gavin

What you doing with that?

Smithy

I'll have it tomorrow.

Nice one Jesus!

What did I do?!

Shut up!

What did I do?!

Shut up!

He's clearly in a mood!

Shut up! Tit.

If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him.

Smithy

Yeah, me too.

Gavin

You? Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight.

Smithy

Why?

Gavin

Well, fat gays are like outcasts.

Smithy

No, they're not.

Gavin

Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael. Who's not in their gang? Russel Grant.

Smithy

Russel Grant's not gay.

Gavin

He is fat though.

How long have you known about this?

Gavin

I just found out tonight.

Bullshit!

Gavin

I did.

Mick

He did, we all found out tonight.

Smithy

Oh, right. So, everyone found out before me?

Bryn

No, I found out at the exact same time as you, Smithy.

I bet she knew.

Stacey

I only found out at the wedding!

Smithy

That was over three weeks ago!

Gavin

Oh, come on mate!

Smithy

Don't 'come on' me, mate! This is all your fault!

How?!

Smithy

You and her, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester Square! (Kicks table and moves to Gavin) I didn't even wanna go that day! If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

It didn't happen that day.

Smithy

What?

It happened at Pam and Mick's.

When you went off, in the garden.

Smithy

That?! That doesn't count, that was rubbish!

I know.

I'm gonna miss this.

Gavin

What?

Bryn

Nothing.

Smithy

I've been thinking about ending it all to be honest, suicide...bigtime. How many Nurofen would I need to finish me off?

Gavin

You? You'd need hundreds.

Smithy

Can't afford that can I? Not if I'm gonna have an holiday this year.

Smithy

There's some graffiti on a toilet brush in the men's cubicle at the Rose and Crown which I reckon is aimed at me.

Gavin

What does it say?

Smithy

Smithy was 'ere.

Stacey

Gav, I need to talk to you.

Gavin

Yeah?

Stacey

On our own?

Gavin

Yeah.

Smithy

So, I have to go, do I? Hideous.

Gavin

There's nothing really to say. She's down there, I'm up here. It's not over it's just...

Smithy

Not a marriage anymore.

Gavin

She's still my wife!

Smithy

On paper.

Gavin

Thanks Smithy, this is really cheering me up!