Nessa quotes from Gavin & Stacey

I don't know you from Adam. And he's been barred twice.

I just can't believe this, Stace. Of all the people I've slept with, it's him that gets me pregnant. Not Nigel Havers, not John Prescott, not any of Goldie Lookin Chain. No, some knobhead from Essex.

I used to drive the sets for The Who on their world tours. Great days. Till I found out some things about Pete Townshend that I didn't like. And all I'll say is - and I said it to his face - where is the book?

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! What does that sign say? (points to Welsh-only sign) Peidiwch â chyffwrdd a'r peiriannau (Do not touch the machines); now sling your hooks or I'll break your face.

Hia, Stace, Pam, Mick. I'm on the gas, I am. It's messing with my head, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Bryn

The truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.

Six quid for two slices of pizza. They takes the piss, these Cockneys.

This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Gavin

What's wrong with her?

Smithy

A, how old is it? B, have you seen the tattoo? And three, look at the size of it!

Gavin

Been powdering your nose?

Oh thanks Stace, thanks a lot. Look, let's get one thing straight. I dont touch that shit no more, alright? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it!

Smithy

And to top it all off, she's a drug addict.

Stacey

I need your advice, I do.

Go for it.

Stacey

Should I tell Gav about the other engagements? Or should I just leave it? Thing is, things are going so lush and if I tell him I might just wreck everything. And it's not that big a deal is it?

That depends. This reminds me of a very similar situation I was in with my second husband, Clive. I was faced with a dilemma, whether to lie, or not to lie. And I chose to tell the truth.

Stacey

And what happened?

He died. Firing squad. Terrible way to go Stace and I wouldn't like to see it happen to you. Smugglers we were. If it weren't for my relationship with John Prescott I'd still be in that jail right now. So yeah, in answer to your question, I'd say no, don't tell him.

Pam

D'you know I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.

Why.

Pam

'Cause I don't speak the lingo darling!

No in Welsh, Pam means why... or brick.

Smithy

No, you're alright, take it.

No, you take it.

Smithy

I don't want it. It's fine.

But you like taking it.

Smithy

Right. That's out of order. I've got a girlfriend that this family know so...

Oh, get a life, Smithy.

Mick

Do you drive Nessa?

I don't Mick, which is a shame, cos I loves a good ride.

Oh! Stace. Don't get me wrong, but to be honest, at the end of the day, when all said and done...d'you know what I mean?

Yeah.

Simple as.

How it's going, all right?

Smithy

Ok, I'm glad you brought it up. Cos, I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...

Where to's she now then?

Smithy

What?

Where to's she now?

Smithy

Right, either speak English or learn Welsh. Cos that 'Where to's she...?' Do you mean where is she now?

Yeah.

Smithy

Say that, then.

Where is she now?

Smithy

Sixth-formers' netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it. She's wing attack.

How long have you known about this?

Gavin

I just found out tonight.

Bullshit!

Gavin

I did.

Mick

He did, we all found out tonight.

Smithy

Oh, right. So, everyone found out before me?

Bryn

No, I found out at the exact same time as you, Smithy.

I bet she knew.

Stacey

I only found out at the wedding!

Smithy

That was over three weeks ago!

Gavin

Oh, come on mate!

Smithy

Don't 'come on' me, mate! This is all your fault!

How?!

Smithy

You and her, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester Square! (Kicks table and moves to Gavin) I didn't even wanna go that day! If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

It didn't happen that day.

Smithy

What?

It happened at Pam and Mick's.

When you went off, in the garden.

Smithy

That?! That doesn't count, that was rubbish!

I know.

Smithy

I don't wanna marry that!

I don't wanna marry you, I'd have said "no".

Smithy

Yeah, right you would.

Oh! Don't diss me infront of people, I'd have said "no"!

Smithy

Why? I'm a catch!

He is.

Smithy

Have you looked in the mirror recently? You look like you should be in Amsterdam doing tricks for Mars bars!

Oh thanks Stace! Thanks a lot! That was over ten years ago!