Pam quotes from Gavin & Stacey

Just to say, your Dad's out for the count and I'll put me ear plugs in. So let yourselves go. Don't worry about a thing. Night.

Oh, give it a rest, you leek-munching sheep-shagger!

Pam

Okay, darling, this isn't gonna hurt a bit...

Stacey

OW!

Pam

D'you know I have no idea what my name means in Welsh.

Why.

Pam

'Cause I don't speak the lingo darling!

No in Welsh, Pam means why... or brick.

Oh, by the way, this food isn't food food. Oh, God, no. Everyones catered for. Catered for everyone well in advance, no. It's just that this morning, before you arrived, I became a vegetarian. Yeah, veggie, so that's what this is. Out of interest, any one of you vegetarians? I mean, not that it makes any difference to me either way. I mean, we're all adults.

Mick

Pam!

Pam

But, I would ask you to respect my views. And all the little animals who've been needlessly murdered in the name of Western Civilised greed.

Pam

Do you know, I said to Mick, if we had another son, I'd have loved him to be a homosexual. You know, for fashion advice and emotional support.

Jason's good as gold like that. I miss him terribly, I do. Lights up a room.

Pam

Aaw! Like a little Will Young.

Pam

You're gonna have to smuggle me some meat!

Mick

How?

Pam

Put it in your pocket.

Mick

Chilli con carne in my pocket? Are you insane?

How long have you known about this?

Gavin

I just found out tonight.

Bullshit!

Gavin

I did.

Mick

He did, we all found out tonight.

Smithy

Oh, right. So, everyone found out before me?

Bryn

No, I found out at the exact same time as you, Smithy.

I bet she knew.

Stacey

I only found out at the wedding!

Smithy

That was over three weeks ago!

Gavin

Oh, come on mate!

Smithy

Don't 'come on' me, mate! This is all your fault!

How?!

Smithy

You and her, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester Square! (Kicks table and moves to Gavin) I didn't even wanna go that day! If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

It didn't happen that day.

Smithy

What?

It happened at Pam and Mick's.

When you went off, in the garden.

Smithy

That?! That doesn't count, that was rubbish!

I know.

Pam

Have you had your breakfast then?

Stacey

Well, sort of. I had a brunch I did. Oh I got up so late cos i set the alarm for ten but I didn't get up till gone eleven and I thought well I'm too early for lunch and I'm too late for breakfast, so I just had a banana. But if anything that made me more hungry. So I ended up having a sandwich, some cereal and a yogurt, which is brunch innit? So I rang my mum and I said I've just had my first ever brunch.

Pam

I'm not being funny Stacey, but you wanna get a life. What you said just now was really boring.

Pam

What's going on?

I don't know, Pam. All I know is if I don't eat this now I'm gonna faint.

Smithy

Me too. I can barely breathe.

Dave, I need you, I need you now.

Pam

Oh my Christ!

Bryn

That's the gas talking, Dave.

No, it's not. Come on. Climb on.

Now's not the time, Ness.

Pam

I always thought you was called Colin.

Smithy

Colin?

Pam

Yeah, Colin.

Smithy

Why?

Pam

Well, it's been so long, darling. I can't remember.