Smithy quotes from Gavin & Stacey

You got any johnnies? I ain't going in there bareback.

Gavinda Jaya Jaya!

She just sucks me in, she's like a Dyson!

Smithy

Look, if she's serious, if she means it, which I don't think she does, then she's a fool. Cause theres no one else I'd rather wake up next to than you. No one I'd rather wanna look after me, hold me, cook for me, keep me warm at night.

Bryn

The truth is, I don't want anyone in this room being raped, myself included.

Six quid for two slices of pizza. They takes the piss, these Cockneys.

This is a nightmare of epic proportions.

Gavin

What's wrong with her?

Smithy

A, how old is it? B, have you seen the tattoo? And three, look at the size of it!

Gavin

Been powdering your nose?

Oh thanks Stace, thanks a lot. Look, let's get one thing straight. I dont touch that shit no more, alright? I did and now I don't. So let that be an end to it!

Smithy

And to top it all off, she's a drug addict.

Smithy

I'm so ravenous I can barely see.

You wanna Pammy's full English?

Smithy

You read my mind.

Question 30 is, erm... Oh, is, erm... Is erm... Oh! I know the answer. Kriss Akabusi.

Mick

Unbelievable.

Smithy

No, you're alright, take it.

No, you take it.

Smithy

I don't want it. It's fine.

But you like taking it.

Smithy

Right. That's out of order. I've got a girlfriend that this family know so...

Oh, get a life, Smithy.

Mick

Say it!

Smithy

Go on!

Gavin

Alright, alright, so I'd have to shag Pauline Fowler wouldn't I? Can we stop now?

Smithy

I can't eat this.

I know, it's nasty in it.

Smithy

No, it's beautiful, it's just I can't believe it.

Gavin

What?

Smithy

Shut up.

Gavin

Eh?!

Smithy

How dare you, pathetic.

Smithy!

Stay out of it, Chinese Alan.

Gavin

What's wrong?

Smithy

I've had enough. You've gone, you're someone else's.

Ignore him, he's pissed!

Smithy

Best man. Best mates since we was four. And now it's over!

Gavin

You're just drunk, we'll always be mates, you know that.

Smithy

My dad ain't seen his best man for 7 years. When him and my mum got divorced, he sent an e-mail. Degrading. He ain't been round our house since 1991.

Who, your uncle Keith?

Smithy

That's the one.

But he emigrated to Canada...

Smithy

Look who's opened his mouth. You're always first with the advice aren't you Jesus? You know what? No-one even wanted you here tonight, I had to make that t-shirt last minute!

*That's not true!*

Smithy

It is true! I can't stand ya! And if Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, he can shove it up his arse.

What've I done?

Smithy

I'm going home. I made a fool of myself.

Gavin

Smithy, come on.

Smithy

Shut up.

Gavin

What you doing with that?

Smithy

I'll have it tomorrow.

Nice one Jesus!

What did I do?!

Shut up!

What did I do?!

Shut up!

He's clearly in a mood!

Shut up! Tit.

If I was gay, I think I'd like to be like him.

Smithy

Yeah, me too.

Gavin

You? Well, you'd have to lose a bit of weight.

Smithy

Why?

Gavin

Well, fat gays are like outcasts.

Smithy

No, they're not.

Gavin

Dale Winton, Graham Norton, George Michael. Who's not in their gang? Russel Grant.

Smithy

Russel Grant's not gay.

Gavin

He is fat though.

Mick

You got those maps?

Smithy

Shit!

Mick

Oh, you're kidding me!

Smithy

I left them at Lucy's. She was colouring them in. I can't believe this!

How it's going, all right?

Smithy

Ok, I'm glad you brought it up. Cos, I've got a girlfriend who a lot of people here know, so I'd appreciate it...

Where to's she now then?

Smithy

What?

Where to's she now?

Smithy

Right, either speak English or learn Welsh. Cos that 'Where to's she...?' Do you mean where is she now?

Yeah.

Smithy

Say that, then.

Where is she now?

Smithy

Sixth-formers' netball tournament in Southend. She couldn't get out of it. She's wing attack.

How long have you known about this?

Gavin

I just found out tonight.

Bullshit!

Gavin

I did.

Mick

He did, we all found out tonight.

Smithy

Oh, right. So, everyone found out before me?

Bryn

No, I found out at the exact same time as you, Smithy.

I bet she knew.

Stacey

I only found out at the wedding!

Smithy

That was over three weeks ago!

Gavin

Oh, come on mate!

Smithy

Don't 'come on' me, mate! This is all your fault!

How?!

Smithy

You and her, ringing each other and texting, arranging to meet up in Leicester Square! (Kicks table and moves to Gavin) I didn't even wanna go that day! If you hadn't dragged me there, none of this would have happened!

It didn't happen that day.

Smithy

What?

It happened at Pam and Mick's.

When you went off, in the garden.

Smithy

That?! That doesn't count, that was rubbish!

I know.

Smithy

I don't wanna marry that!

I don't wanna marry you, I'd have said "no".

Smithy

Yeah, right you would.

Oh! Don't diss me infront of people, I'd have said "no"!

Smithy

Why? I'm a catch!

He is.