Garth Marenghi's Darkplace quotes

Garth Marenghi

Salutations friend. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, although I prefer the term "dreamweaver". When I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace for television back in the 1980s, I drew deep draughts of inspiration from the dyke of my dreams. Other times I copied the plots from dead authors on whose work the copyright had lapsed. (Shrugs) Bite me.

As I'm sure you people are aware, Won Ton's gamma radiation mumps program went west, and created a horny giant eye on legs.

Liz

I heard about that, did they ever find it?

It was found dead last night. It'd been shot in the eye.

I, don't know anything about it. Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.

Could you give me an example?

Like hospital bloody hygiene. I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe so I had to use the one in E Wing.

It's true I went there two month back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.

Anyway, I'm outta here.

Not so fast, mister. Where were you last night?

Nowhere.

Nowhere?

That's right, nowhere.

Nowhere can be a lonely place to be.

I get by.

It's just that I've been hearing some things.

What things?

A lot of things. Strange things, crazy things. Things, Dag.

Things?

Things.

Well, shouldn't believe everything you hear Thornton.

You're hiding something Dag, I could swear it. I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore. After that I'll do whatever it takes to 'unt you down.

I dunno what you're talking about.

24 hours Dag, 24 hours. 23 hours 59 minutes, don't make me stand 'ere and count.

See ya later. I would stay, but the air's starting to stink round here.

Not from me it's not, I just went.

Garth Marenghi

This episode is really about my own desire to have a son, um, I have four daughters, and, whilst I don't blame them as such, I don't really feel they're on my side.

Good God! Knocked my bloody tooth out!

(He picks up a chair) Keep away from me! Keep away! (He smashes the chair, which smashes, across the back of the doctor who went off the roof) I said keep away! (He then drags this doctor back and punches him in the face again. This doc takes a lot of punishment!)

He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing! (Jim grabs hold of Dagless, and the other staff come in to subdue him) Pin him down man for Christ's sake!

Dean Learner

I haven't acted since, (cheerfully) some would say I didn't act during, but er, er (cheeriness fades), those would be unkind people. I did my best.

Todd Rivers

(On Dean Learner) He couldn't actually interact with, you know, with another actor. I've never seen that before, and I've never seen that since. But I've just seen the tape, and it looks okay, though.

Garth Marenghi

In the end I picked up that pube, and I'm glad I did because it made that gent's a better place to be in. And that, is my question to the government (addresses the camera) Are you prepared to get your hands dirty, or are you gonna let things clog up the cistern.

Garth Marenghi

(sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels Black Fang) The moonlight shone down on the place, unhindered. The gnarled parapets jagged upwards, like a bony hand of icy indifference. In the background there was a pigeon. Who knew how long the place had stood there? 40 years? 50 years? Tempus immemoria, i.e. always? But it was a bad place, that much was certain. A very bad place indeed.

Garth Marenghi

Greetings traveller. Who am I? Perhap’ you have met me twixt sleep and wake, in the penumbra of uncertainty you call “unconsciousness”. Or perhaps you’ve met me at a book signing. I’m Garth Marenghi, horror author. My business is chill-ing, pure and simple,

Garth Marenghi

If you use anti-perspirant it clogs up your pores, if you clog up you're pores you're gonna sweat elsewhere... and if you block up everything well then you're gonna sweat inside, and get cancer.

Garth Marenghi

You know, my books are all essentially about ‘what ifs’. In Black Fang I asked: What if a rat could drive a bus? And what if it and its rat brethren took over and ate Parliament? When I wrote, directed and starred in tonight’s episode of Garth Marenghi’s Darkplace, I was asking another ‘what if’. Now, I won’t tell you which ‘what if’ it is, but it’s basically along the same lines but with a different animal. Without giving too much away, think Planet of The Apes.

I figure the following: Sanch is regressing to Homo neanderthalenus. Right now Sanch you're Homo erectus but who knows how long you’ve got?

I appreciate you being straight with me.

And you and I are Homo sapiens?

Correct.

But if we’re all basically Homos, shouldn’t we get along?

You’d have thought. But Homo erectus is famed for his meanness. How’re you feeling in here Sanch?

I’m bearing up… you know me Dag.

Yeah. Yeah I do big guy.

Come on you two queers. We need to lick this problem before it turns round and slaps us in the nuts. We need data. Liz, fill these boys in if you pardon the expression.

Padre

Monkeys were created by God to entertain us. That's all we know Rick.