Garth Marenghi's Darkplace quotes

(Having had a patient die in surgery) Not my fault! Monkey bastard hands!

Todd Rivers

It wasn’t difficult for me to get into character. I mean, I know the beast in me, I’ve been drunk with him for fifteen years. So it was home from home you might say.

I’m afraid Rick. I’m afraid of what I’m becoming. (Dagless sniffs the air deeply) Yep… that’s me. (Points to his hair) And this is unmanageable. I used to have the best hair in the hospital. And I’m starting to get some pretty primal urges.

I didn’t wanna say, but when I went into surgery this morning, you were waving your bits out the window.

I don’t even know I’m doing it. I thought I was helping attach a drip. I went to the padre to confess, ended up washing my arse in the font.

(voice over) My bonce having been knocked, I fell into a strange fantastical dream, rich in imaginative imagery. I found myself alone in a primitive land where phantasm, spelt with PH not an F, abounded. I turned one way. Then the other. Then back. Then forward. Then I saw myself as a monkey.

They’ve taken over!

Oh, no! Oh, Jesus! They've taken over! They've taken over!

I know!

Don’t drink that! Look, it’s bright green.

Thank God I only took a tiny sip.

Someone or something has been tampering with our water supply. I’m going to the water storeroom. I have a hunch that whoever, or whatever he, or she, or it is, will be in there.

Right! I’ll stay here and try and recuperate as fast as I can.

Garth Marenghi

I know writers who use subtext and they're all cowards. OK? What I was asking in that scene is: what if politicians continue to pay doctors peanuts, could they literally turn into monkeys? And no-one's asked that before.

(voice over) It was here that I found the fiendish fount of this fear. An Apeloid micturating – which means urinating – on my erstwhile – which means former – buddy. I had a hunch this guy was the head honcho.

Liz

True enough, but if you boys make another crack about my taking a shit in Dag’s car, I’ll give you the thick end of the wedge.

Okay Liz, no need to go ape!

Liz

HEY! I thought I told you…

She’s going bananas!

(voice over) We laughed to protect ourselves, to mask the awful horror. Although I thought what Reed said about Liz going bananas was genuinely witty. Each man must acknowledge his beast, whether through sport or violent films. But a man must not let his beast be his master… otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.

Dean Learner

It’s so hard to watch this episode, knowing that she’s now missing, presumed dead, with the presumption heavily on dead. I don’t think they’ll find anything. But, then again she was like a candle in the wind… unreliable.

Todd Rivers

I've stood in Dean's front room and watched him make a lot of love

Garth Marenghi

(sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels The Told) Nina's eyes popped out of what was left of her back. Why oh why had she opened that tomb? The sand turned red. This was because she was bleeding on it. Blood - ruby-red blood, her blood. Blood… and piss and shit. This was the worst day of her life.

Garth Marenghi

Welcome, friend. You know, a lot of people say: 'Garth Marenghi? Isn’t he the guy who writes all that horror crap?' Well, good luck to you, you’re an idiot. Because my books always say something, even if it’s just something simple like: 'Don’t genetically engineer crabs to be as big as men', there's always a message or a theme. When I wrote, directed, and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace back in the 1980s, I gave every episode a theme—even when we were running out of time, or I was really tired.

Dean Learner

He had a very ambitious script. I said: "Garth, this is a very ambitious script for the money we've got. Seeing as we've got no money, it's extremely ambitious." We were filming it in my garage. I had a big garage, but still it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.