Garth Marenghi's Darkplace Season 1 quotes

Garth Marenghi

(sitting at his desk, reading from one of his novels Slicer) Something was pouring from his mouth. He examined his sleeve. Blood!? Blood. Crimson copper-smelling blood, his blood. Blood. Blood. Blood. (Checks line)...And bits of sick.

Garth Marenghi

Greetings traveler. I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer. Most of you will probably know me already from my extensive canon of chillers, including Afterbirth, in which a mutated placenta attacks Bristol. Back in the 1980s, I wrote, directed and starred in Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, a television program so radical, so risky, so dangerous, so goddamn crazy, that the so-called powers that be became too scared to show it, and gypped me. Much in the same way women have done ever since they sniffed out my money.

Garth Marenghi

Only now, in the worst artistic drought in broadcast history, does the channel come crawling back, cap in hand and suitably ashamed, asking if your humble fabulist, could once more retrieve Darkplace from the boxes in his spacious basement, and let it loose on its unsuspecting public. That's you.

Hi, I've come to apply for the doctor's job. I can assure you my credentials are top-notch, I've just graduated from Harvard College Yale. I aced every semester, and I got an 'A'.

(wooden) Well that sounds excellent. Our last doctor only just recently died in horrific circumstances. Can you start immediately?

Sure, do I have time to go to the toilet?

(wooden) Not really, I've just paged Dr. Sanchez. He should be here any minute now.

I'm Dr. Sanchez! You're a woman.

Yes, I hope that's not a problem.

Not at all. There's plenty of skirt on the ward, this is the 20th century after all though some don't like to admit it. Welcome to Darkplace, Liz.

Dean Learner

I, got a script, read it. Scared me senseless, comme d'habitudes. And I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face, I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze - it's natural. I said "this is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." And I do not say that lightly.

Garth Marenghi

We're doing all we can. but I'm not Jesus Christ. I've come to accept that now.

Dean Learner

I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

(Learner stares blankly into the camera whilst playing Reed) Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.

(voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.

She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.

So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

Liz

I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny Dr. Dagless, I had a vision - I'm a psychic.

And I'm Bo Derek.

Liz

No you're not.

You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.

Liz

I see the past, the present and the future.

Tough gig!

Liz

Stop being sarcastic!

Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.

Liz

(thinking) Yes, that makes sense

(about Dagless) I hope he heeds my words about dealing with this in an orthodox manner.

He will. He's the best damn doctor on the wing, or any other wing for that matter.

He's a wild card.

But I'm glad he's in our deck.

Let's hope he plays a fair hand.

He'll come up trumps.

If there's not a joker in the pack, and sometimes there is!

So let me get this straight. When you crushed my hand, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen to a patient in Darkplace.

Liz

I know you're lying to me, protecting me, but I'm a big girl now. In a year's time I'll be a woman. Come on, who's Renwick, Rick?

I dunno what you're talkin' about.

Liz

Yes you do

You're right. I do. Larry Renwick was admitted here last week. The guy went axe-happy on a trout farm, he killed 60 fish.

You and he were...buddies...weren't you?

Once.

Listen. When I first joined this hospital I was strictly solo. (Badly out of sync) You were first real buddy I ever had. But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.

I've got a best buddy Sanch, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back.

Garth Marenghi

I have never exploded. But, I know what it would be like. Don't ask me how, I just know. I've always, just known.

Dean Learner

I don't know, whether someone close to Garth had exploded, um, whether it was a colleague or a pet, but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him, there were tears on set. Not from Garth - he was strong for the crew, um, but I wept. I'm not ashamed of that. It's, I s'pose one of the many, burdens he has to bear, as an artist, in bringing us this gift.

If that's how you treat your friends, imagine how you treat your enemies. Worse I expect!