Dean Learner quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

Dean Learner

I, got a script, read it. Scared me senseless, comme d'habitudes. And I said to Garth, I looked straight into his face, I've never been afraid of holding a man's gaze - it's natural. I said "this is going to be the most significant televisual event since Quantum Leap." And I do not say that lightly.

Dean Learner

I don't know, whether someone close to Garth had exploded, um, whether it was a colleague or a pet, but you could tell that scene meant a lot to him, there were tears on set. Not from Garth - he was strong for the crew, um, but I wept. I'm not ashamed of that. It's, I s'pose one of the many, burdens he has to bear, as an artist, in bringing us this gift.

Dean Learner

I call Garth the "Orson Welles of horror", and that's not just because of his weight - he is a titan of terror. I call him that as well.

Dean Learner

Liz that bulb's gone again, you couldn't fish another one out from the drawer could you?

Dean Learner

Now I've seen Garth bend a fork, so er, he knows what he's talking about. I mean we all have abilities. I mean I once learnt how to hypnotise women. But with that power, must come, responsibility.

Dean Learner

An eagle-eyed viewer might be able to see the wires. A pedant, might be able to see the wires. But I think if you're looking at the wires you're ignoring the story. If you go to a puppet show you can see the wires. But it's about the puppets, it's not about the string. If you go to a Punch & Judy show and you're only watching the wires, you're a freak.

Dean Learner

I haven't acted since, (cheerfully) some would say I didn't act during, but er, er (cheeriness fades), those would be unkind people. I did my best.

Dean Learner

It’s so hard to watch this episode, knowing that she’s now missing, presumed dead, with the presumption heavily on dead. I don’t think they’ll find anything. But, then again she was like a candle in the wind… unreliable.

Dean Learner

He had a very ambitious script. I said: "Garth, this is a very ambitious script for the money we've got. Seeing as we've got no money, it's extremely ambitious." We were filming it in my garage. I had a big garage, but still it was ambitious to film a TV show in a garage.

Dean Learner

We found out that the mist was poisonous when two techies died yes. Now I don’t like see anyone die, but if someone has to die, it might as well be a techie. Because another one comes along; it's the same belt, it's the same hammer in the tool belt; you can barely tell the difference.

Dean Learner

Garth is the most significant artist that I’ve ever worked with, and I’ve worked with Lulu and four other people. So we’re talking crème de la crème.

Dean Learner

The next sequence in the show, alas, is lost. The pertaining can of film was destroyed in a drink-related misadventure in Fulham. It was an idiotic altercation which I bitterly regret both for personal and professional reasons. However, with the aid of some photographic stills taken by the girlfriend of the time, we have reconstructed the missing scenes with added narration from the available cast. I hope that this does not impair your enjoyment of the drama.

Dean Learner

I fear that we’re seeing an end to the quality of television that you and I should be able to take for granted. We are seeing a dumbing-down of television... I think we're living in dangerous times. The horror genre is in decline... Reading is in decline, Literacy, Numeracy; the three Ls are in decline.

Dean Learner

My style is an eclectic mix. Some of it comes from 20s golf. Some of it comes from Al Capone. Some of it comes from the future. And some of it comes from fiefal[sic] landlords.

Dean Learner

We made this show without any channel's permission. So I just started making the show with Garth, paying for it myself - we didn't know you had to be asked. So we made it, gave it to the channel and they said "I'm sorry, but we didn't ask you to make this" and I said "What do you mean you didn't ask us to make this? Do you ask everyone before they make a show?" And they said "Yes we do". And I went "This is news to me sweetheart. I made this show with my sweat and blood. I've spent the last 4 weeks of my life making this show. Do you want it?". "No" they say. So I'm, you know, caught between the devil and the deep blue sea having to sell 40 episodes of a medical based horror show, erm, with no one buying it, thats why we had to put it out in Peru.