Thornton Reed quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

If that's how you treat your friends, imagine how you treat your enemies. Worse I expect!

Look Dag, this temp was the personal recommendation of Won Ton's. He may look like he's just fallen off the back of a turnip truck, but he wouldn't run if his ass was on fire. He goes with you. And that's a deal breaker!

(Picks up phone) Uh-huh. Bye! (puts phone down) Good gravy! A small bunch of objects are flying of their own accord in E Wing. (Picks up phone, then puts it down immediately) And apparently more objects are heading this way! (looks at phone, stuttering) Good...bye.

Flying objects? It beggars belief!

Well, all I know is that I've got a hospital to run. You'd better do something, and fast, [thumps desk] 'cause I don’t want to be sitting here this time tomorrow with mist up my crack. Do I make myself clear? Good, now get!

I’ll look after Liz, you get this skin sample analysed. And keep this shtoom, if Won Ton gets wind of this my arse is grass and he’s got a lawnmower. Ya dig?

You’re both out of line! Now I’m not going to stand here and dance for you, I don’t have to. I wanna see both of you in my office five minutes ago, (looks at watch) so you’d best hurry up!

Dean Learner

I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

(Learner stares blankly into the camera whilst playing Reed) Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.

(voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.

She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.

So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

(about Dagless) I hope he heeds my words about dealing with this in an orthodox manner.

He will. He's the best damn doctor on the wing, or any other wing for that matter.

He's a wild card.

But I'm glad he's in our deck.

Let's hope he plays a fair hand.

He'll come up trumps.

If there's not a joker in the pack, and sometimes there is!

Listen! This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Now look, when Renwick exploded it reopened the portal to hell and so we must close it before it's too late.

WHAT!? Am I holding a crock of shit!? Tell me something. Is this hospital called "St. Crock of Shit"!?

Alright, calm down, emotions are running high. Dag, what do you suggest?

The only way to close the portal is to burn what remains of Renwick.

(poorly dubbed) Get Lost.

(The shovel he was holding has changed to a cup of coffee) Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor (cup is now the shovel again), but you're also a livewire maverick, who when he's not bucking the system, is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case, is this hand (he holds up his free hand, the camera slowly follows). Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portals to another dimension. I just won't do it. This hospital's got a reputation, which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the ward, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make a pill that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

As crystal.

The guy's got a fork through his kernel. He's gonna make it, just, but the chicken's off!

That's a shame! I was looking forward to the chicken!

I just can't believe the Temp is dead

It's alright Rick, we'll get another one.

C'mon Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down the drip?

I'd appreciate that, I could use a drink.

Liz

As long as it's not a screwdriver! [In reference to her killing the temp by stabbing him with screwdrivers psycho-kinetically]

Yes! I'd prefer a beer!

As I'm sure you people are aware, Won Ton's gamma radiation mumps program went west, and created a horny giant eye on legs.

Liz

I heard about that, did they ever find it?

It was found dead last night. It'd been shot in the eye.

I, don't know anything about it. Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.

Could you give me an example?

Like hospital bloody hygiene. I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe so I had to use the one in E Wing.

It's true I went there two month back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.