Sanchez quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

So let me get this straight. When you crushed my hand, you had a vision that something terrible has either happened, is happening, or will happen to a patient in Darkplace.

So what happened between you and this Renwick customer?

(Having had a patient die in surgery) Not my fault! Monkey bastard hands!

I know "mon" means man, but I don’t think "och" means anything.

Dean Learner

I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

(Learner stares blankly into the camera whilst playing Reed) Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.

(voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.

She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.

So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

You and he were...buddies...weren't you?

Once.

Listen. When I first joined this hospital I was strictly solo. (Badly out of sync) You were first real buddy I ever had. But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.

I've got a best buddy Sanch, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back.

Listen! This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Now look, when Renwick exploded it reopened the portal to hell and so we must close it before it's too late.

WHAT!? Am I holding a crock of shit!? Tell me something. Is this hospital called "St. Crock of Shit"!?

Alright, calm down, emotions are running high. Dag, what do you suggest?

The only way to close the portal is to burn what remains of Renwick.

(poorly dubbed) Get Lost.

(The shovel he was holding has changed to a cup of coffee) Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor (cup is now the shovel again), but you're also a livewire maverick, who when he's not bucking the system, is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case, is this hand (he holds up his free hand, the camera slowly follows). Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portals to another dimension. I just won't do it. This hospital's got a reputation, which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the ward, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make a pill that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

As crystal.

The guy's got a fork through his kernel. He's gonna make it, just, but the chicken's off!

That's a shame! I was looking forward to the chicken!

Did you attack the chef? (The interrogated shakes their head) Thanks for your time. (He does this down the line)

I'll say one thing for the guy - he's very thorough.

Of course! That's why these attacks are mysterious they're not conventional attacks.

What is it?

I've got two words for you Sanch, "telly kinesis"

Liz

I s'pose I owe you all an apology. And Sanch?

Yes Liz?

Liz

Thanks for the lobotomy.

Not a problem. The procedure to extract psycho-kinetic ability is in its infancy, though surprisingly simple all the same.

Liz

I guess being told I couldn't get a chicken supper was the straw that broke this camel's back. It was unprofessional and girlish, it won't happen again. Buns?

C'mon Dag, what say I buy us all a drink down the drip?

I'd appreciate that, I could use a drink.

Liz

As long as it's not a screwdriver! [In reference to her killing the temp by stabbing him with screwdrivers psycho-kinetically]

Yes! I'd prefer a beer!

I, don't know anything about it. Besides, I think there are more important matters at present.

Could you give me an example?

Like hospital bloody hygiene. I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe so I had to use the one in E Wing.

It's true I went there two month back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat.

Good God! Knocked my bloody tooth out!

(He picks up a chair) Keep away from me! Keep away! (He smashes the chair, which smashes, across the back of the doctor who went off the roof) I said keep away! (He then drags this doctor back and punches him in the face again. This doc takes a lot of punishment!)

He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing! (Jim grabs hold of Dagless, and the other staff come in to subdue him) Pin him down man for Christ's sake!

I figure the following: Sanch is regressing to Homo neanderthalenus. Right now Sanch you're Homo erectus but who knows how long you’ve got?

I appreciate you being straight with me.

And you and I are Homo sapiens?

Correct.

But if we’re all basically Homos, shouldn’t we get along?

You’d have thought. But Homo erectus is famed for his meanness. How’re you feeling in here Sanch?

I’m bearing up… you know me Dag.

Yeah. Yeah I do big guy.

Come on you two queers. We need to lick this problem before it turns round and slaps us in the nuts. We need data. Liz, fill these boys in if you pardon the expression.