Dagless quotes from Garth Marenghi's Darkplace

(voice over) The doors of Darkplace were open. Not the literal doors of the building, most of which were closed. But evil doors. Dark doors. Doors, to the beyond. Doors that were hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles. They were more like portals really. From this day on I'd have to fight these forces of darkness, and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.

I ran the only way I knew how. By placing one leg in front of the other in quick succession. I had to help Reed, trapped in his office by a desk he could no longer trust. I had to help Sanchez, locked in a primal struggle 'twixt man and whisk. And I had to help the Temp, who was probably doing some filing or data entry. I pressed on, chased by a staple that had my name on it. This was unbelievable, Liz was now turning my own stationery against me.

Liz, hide your shame.

We'd seen a new side to Liz. "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." They can get upset at the slightest thing: whether it's forgetting to acknowledge them in front of your friends or dividing a restaurant bill in proportion to the amount of food ordered by each party, which is only fair. I had to change. Tomorrow I'd tell her she's lost weight or I like what she's done to her hair. Whichever seemed the most plausible.

(voice over) My bonce having been knocked, I fell into a strange fantastical dream, rich in imaginative imagery. I found myself alone in a primitive land where phantasm, spelt with PH not an F, abounded. I turned one way. Then the other. Then back. Then forward. Then I saw myself as a monkey.

(voice over) We laughed to protect ourselves, to mask the awful horror. Although I thought what Reed said about Liz going bananas was genuinely witty. Each man must acknowledge his beast, whether through sport or violent films. But a man must not let his beast be his master… otherwise you're no better than Bill Wyman.

Keep your headbands on; that way we won’t get lost. And use your fans sparingly, they eat through batteries and if you're not careful they can nick your fingers. Stay local.

Look, didnae get me wrong, I’m a big fan of the Scotch people. I love Lulu, and if Taggarts on, I’ll tape it. I was very tired that night, and I was pissed off I was in Glasgow. Colleagues of mine have since visited it during the day, and they say they've had a cracking time. I'm sorry. I was wrong; I see that now. My life is yours.

They want what all Scotch people want: To kill the Queen, and destroy our way of life.

Look, I’ll level with you: Linda’s dying, she’s turning into broccoli. It’s very contagious, she must be boiled.

Dean Learner

I warned Garth, erm, I said, "I'm not an actor". And erm, he said, I'll always remember this, that he didn't want an act, he wanted the truth. So erm, here is, er, Dean Learner, playing Thornton Reed. Not putting on an act, but putting on the truth.

(Learner stares blankly into the camera whilst playing Reed) Listen up ladies, we've got a situation. A little lass has just cracked her nut, and if she croaks,(pauses while he bangs his fist on the desk) my arse is grass.

(voice over) That was Thornton Reed, my boss (cuts to Reed nodding). Head of the department - a ball-buster. But then, he had to answer to Won Ton.

She's here on the express say-so of Won Ton, a star pupil you might say, and one that Darkplace has high hopes for.

So far we've given her some Lucozade and that seems to have helped, but she says she's having visions - blood, guts, a real horror show.

Liz

I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny Dr. Dagless, I had a vision - I'm a psychic.

And I'm Bo Derek.

Liz

No you're not.

You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.

Liz

I see the past, the present and the future.

Tough gig!

Liz

Stop being sarcastic!

Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic too.

Liz

(thinking) Yes, that makes sense

Liz

I know you're lying to me, protecting me, but I'm a big girl now. In a year's time I'll be a woman. Come on, who's Renwick, Rick?

I dunno what you're talkin' about.

Liz

Yes you do

You're right. I do. Larry Renwick was admitted here last week. The guy went axe-happy on a trout farm, he killed 60 fish.

You and he were...buddies...weren't you?

Once.

Listen. When I first joined this hospital I was strictly solo. (Badly out of sync) You were first real buddy I ever had. But if you and he wish to be best buddies again, I won't stand in your way.

I've got a best buddy Sanch, but some shit sticks no matter how hard you scrape. Hang back.

Listen! This ain't another exploding patient you can sweep under your rug! Now look, when Renwick exploded it reopened the portal to hell and so we must close it before it's too late.

WHAT!? Am I holding a crock of shit!? Tell me something. Is this hospital called "St. Crock of Shit"!?

Alright, calm down, emotions are running high. Dag, what do you suggest?

The only way to close the portal is to burn what remains of Renwick.

(poorly dubbed) Get Lost.

(The shovel he was holding has changed to a cup of coffee) Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor (cup is now the shovel again), but you're also a livewire maverick, who when he's not bucking the system, is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case, is this hand (he holds up his free hand, the camera slowly follows). Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portals to another dimension. I just won't do it. This hospital's got a reputation, which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the ward, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make a pill that can cure madness, or I'll kick your arse so hard you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint. Understood?

As crystal.