TV show quotes
Just so you don't hear it secondhand, I wanted you to know that I've been kicked off my course. I'm officially no longer a student.
Fuck my mouth! But, what happens now?
Well, right now I'm going to make some more crumbles; then I'm going on a five-mile ramble to Healey Dell; and then later this afternoon I'm going zorbing.
Zorbing?
Yeah. They put you in a big plastic hamster ball, and then push you down a hill. So, if you're asking "Do I miss dentistry?": crumbles, rambles, zorbing.
JP, I'm not standing on the same stage as you.
Mate, why the frick not?
Because, you've got that whole James Blunt vibe going on.
What the hell is wrong with Blunters?
Hey, Vod. I'm just going door to door and wondered whether—quick cuddle?
Christ on a bendy bus, JP. Has it really come to this?
That's Dean doing the ironing, Harry's setting the table, and that's Rob making breakfast.
Wow! Look at this place! It's like fucking Narnia!
… Josie's got shit taste [in music]: She likes Mumford & Sons.
What's wrong with Mumford & Sons? I love Mumford & Sons: They're perfect for drinking cider to. First Blunters, now Mumfers. Is nothing sacred?
I can get another ticket to Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. I thought—bit of a novelty—you might like to come?
Yeah, um, I dunno, because you know I don't like your music.
Yeah—just give it a try! Have a listen. What do you think?
I don't like it.
It's only just started.
Er! I still don't like it.
Wait till the chorus kicks in.
I don't like it.
Why don't you like it?!
It sounds like something that would be played at a hobo's funeral by other hobos.
Um, let me play you another track.
Yeah, OK, this is better.
See?
But, I don't like it.
You are not allowed to have sex with Tomothy.
Why not?
Because of a little something called the institution of marriage, and a little organisation called the Church of fucking England.
Howard, you're killing the vibe. Maybe you could hoover up your dreams in the morning? Or, put your dick in the vacuum and I'll squirt tequila in your mouth.
What about Rosa? Do we still need her signature?
Now that she's been transferred to the comms department, no. You can authorise your own policies.
Oh, my god! At last! I am the law. I can do whatever the fuck I want, and no-one can stop me? That must be why Kim Jong Un has that haircut.
That's the secret to good boozing: a sweet spot, the magic mark where your worries have gone, but your faculties haven't. And boom! You're one chipper chappy.
Right. And how much would that normally require?
In my experience, it's almost always £25, no matter what you buy.
Oh, everything's fine for you: you've got a job. Look at you: strutting around with your tea towel and your corkscrew like Deborah fucking Meaden.
…
For the record, JP, I'm in a slightly different Venn, given that I'm union president—and I'm launching an amazing new poetry prize that's going to inspire and energise all of us. I mean, I'm not rubbing it in or anything, but my C.V. is basically bomb-proof.
Whereas mine'll look like a poster for a lost dog.
Also, I need a new nickname.
"The Idiot"?
I'm the guy who listens to "I'm Ready" by Royal Trux when he gets fucked up on Jack, but then—
Right, yes! Now I remember, yeah. Yeah, I asked what music you liked, and you were talking for about half an hour. And I couldn't really work out what your answer was. It was all like, "Oh, I don't really believe in genres." But all I wanted to know was: Do you like U2, or do you not?
I'm sorry, I don't really understand the question.
What are we gonna do? We can't just hang around London on the off chance that we bump into him.
I knew we should have put a tag on him: "Please look after this Howard".
Yeah, I mean, we wouldn't be going out, but we'd sort of be seeing each other.
Sure, uh, yeah, but I—I'm super easy.
Oh, yeah, me too. I'm eggs over easy on a slice of wholemeal whatevs.
Run it up the flagpole, see who salutes!
Exactly.
Try it on for size, see where it pinches. Yeah, that—that sounds good.
Great.
[Josie exhales.]
Isn't this just great. You're popping your little Welsh trotter into Prince Charming's glass slipper.
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