Roz Doyle quotes from Frasier

Roz

You don't actually buy all this "no sex" stuff of hers, do you?

Yeah!

Roz

Well, it's WAR!

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern. [Mrs. Mulhern goes into the radio booth and stands behind Nora].

You little whore! [Four sets of jaws drop — Frasier's, Roz's, George's and Nora's].

MOTHER!

So, you thought you could get away from me, did you? Thought you could leave me to rot in that dump without barely enough cash for a bottle of Mateus! You'll pay for that, missy!

Roz

[jumping for joy] I was wrong, Frasier! Your way is better! [Frasier tries to enter the booth].

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern— [She shoves him out and locks the door].

Keep out of this!

Mother, please! I am doing my show!

Yes, you're Little Miss Perfect now, aren't you? Telling everybody else how wicked they are! They should hear about your past! [Frasier tries to enter through the other door].

Frasier

Mrs. Mulhern, please! [She shoves him out and locks the other door].

The shame you brought on me, you ungrateful tramp!

[crying] Mother, please, I'm a good girl now.

How you were paid — paid! — to leave town, by that nice boy's family.

Frasier

For God's sake, Nora, go to a commercial!

There, Seattle, now you know what I mean when I say there are some people you just don't need in your life! [goes to commercial] Help me out, George! [She throws off her headphones and rushes into the producer's booth].

What are they paying you here? I want my cut! [George closes the door and fights to hold it shut].

I knew that you hated me, but I just can't believe you could be so cruel!

Frasier

I was trying to help! She seemed delightful on the phone!

[knocking on the glass] I want fifty dollars right now!

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO MOVE BEFORE I'M FINALLY RID OF HER?! [She runs out into the hallway. Mrs. Mulhern goes out the other door to head her off].

Frasier

[yelling after her] Nora, I'm sorry!

[yelling after her] You owe me, missy! I gave you life! [Nora screams like a madwoman while George runs out after them]].

Roz

Frasier, we've got dead air! [Frasier goes into the radio booth while Roz shuts the doors and grabs some carts]

Frasier

[hits "On Air"] Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm sure Dr. Nora's listeners join me in hoping she and her mother can resolve these differences very soon. They're off to a bit of a bumpy start. [Nora screams again as the chase takes them by the booth].

Frasier

But at least the lines of communication are open.

Roz

I see Poppy's having a little party.

Frasier

That is not a party; that's a hostage situation.

Roz

Come on, it's for a good cause. They provide disaster relief.

Hi, partners!

Frasier

How soon can they get here?

Daphne

[about Niles's longtime crush on her] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane; he's so close to Dr. Crane. If I told him, he might tell Dr. Crane, and then Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.

Roz

[sarcastically] Yeah. Why confuse things?

Roz

I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.

Frasier

I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.

Roz

Thank you.

Roz

So, are you going to ask her out?

Frasier

Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!

Roz

Hey, Chuck. How's it going?

Oh, tewwible, Woz! My wife was in the Cawibbean and she weft me for a Wastafawian!

Frasier

We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."

Roz

But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?

Roz

Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.

Frasier

It's childish.

Niles

It's Maris!

Roz

Frasier, I can't go with you. I mean, going to a wedding with your boss is like going to the prom with your brother.

Frasier

Niles and I did not go to the prom together! *pause* Our dates got sick, and we went stag!

Niles

In retrospect- yes, we should've canceled the carriage, but hindsight is 20/20!

Roz

Oh, Frasier, I don't deserve your friendship.

Frasier

No, I do not deserve your friendship.

Niles

I deserve my own table. Excuse me. (exit)

Frasier

She's discovered that Cal's been having an affair with a cue card girl.

Roz

How did she catch him? Did she find a giant love letter in his pocket?

Roz

I have a date with this French guy, Jean-Pierre.

Frasier

So that's it, huh? No Americans left.

Frasier

Well, I'm just saying that alienating me isn't probably in the best interests of the show.

Roz

Well, maybe "the show" would be better off without you.

Frasier

Well, then maybe I should just leave "the show".

Roz

Well, maybe that's what "the show" wants you to do.

Frasier

Well then, "the show" can BITE ME! (exit)