Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Frasier

Oh I'm sorry- was I snippy? I didn't realize it was too much to ask that there not be GUNPLAY IN MY LIVING ROOM!

Frasier

Dad? I thought we had an agreement. Eddie doesn't roll around on my sofa and I don't throw him in front of a bus.

Frasier

Well, that's one on me. Or rather, one on me and my call-screener, Roz, whose ancestors were once heard remarking, "Oh, what a nice wooden horse! Of course I'll sign for it."

Frasier

I cut myself because I was shaving without water, and why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair, which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe, who found bad pipes which called for Cecil, who ate the cat who killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

Frasier

[to Martin] Would you get Eddie off of the couch? Or else it's out to the garbage chute for the thrill ride of his life!

Frasier

Daphne, you can't go. You have to stay. I've only just recently realized how important you are to us. You see, if you go, Dad and I will kill each other. I'm not just tossing out hyperbole here. I'm speaking in the most literal sense. Dad and I — both dead! Only he'll be lying there with a bacteria-ridden sponge protruding from his mouth like a bloated tongue.

Frasier

I will not have you turning a minor, albeit annoying situation into a Martin Scorsese film!

Frasier

It may be an unwise man who doesn't learn from his own mistakes, but it's an absolute idiot that doesn't learn from other people's.

Frasier

People of Seattle, listen to me! We are not barbarians, we are not Neanderthals and we are not French! Do you hear that, you up there?!

Frasier

No matter how provoked you may have been, there is no earthly justification for setting someone's lawn on fire!

Frasier

Me and my stupid advice! (sees the light)…will be with you for the next three hours, Seattle!

Frasier

In the last week, I've uprooted myself from my home of fifteen years, moved all the way across the country away from everything I care about, and plunged myself into a frightening new career! The first few nerve-racking moments, I walk in here and find my Producer lobbying to get herself transferred to another show! Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up his tickets at the box office!

Frasier

[To Niles] I see you are still waiting on your spine donor!

Frasier

(on phone) Mrs. Rajeski? Hello. You don't know me, but I...

Frasier

...Well, that's remarkable! Yes, I am a friend of your husband's.

Frasier

Not one more deceitful word... your tongue could open a wine bottle!