Frasier Crane quotes from Frasier

Niles

Well, I learned if you kiss her too fast you get an ice cream headache.

Lilith

You also learned that I have twice your upper body strength, so shut your pie hole!

Frasier

Was that so hard?

Frasier

No one's going to sell me on anything. Those exercises only help people who lack self-awareness. I, for one, am...[winces in pain] God Almighty!

Niles

[sarcastically] Well, no wonder you're stressed; you've got a whole universe to run!

Daphne

When I said to your father, "Dr. Crane's in love with me", he said it's been going on for six years now. What did he mean by that?

Frasier

(half-asleep) Oh, that…he meant Niles.

Daphne

[shocked] What?!

Frasier

Niles…he's crazy about you.

Roz

I just hate how this arbitrary point on the calendar has become so significant. And as far as my hangover went, it was worth it; I partied my ass off like a brain-damaged test monkey.

Frasier

I see. Well, allow me to congratulate you on your first science-related metaphor.

Roz

Thank you.

Frasier

(on the phone) Niles! Where are you calling from?

Niles

(triumphantly) From behind the wheel of the Road Warrior! And doing a damn fine job of driving, I might add.

Frasier

But I'm in the Road Warrior! You got in the wrong car, you idiot! You've stolen a Winnebago!

Niles

Whatever happened to the concept of "less is more"?

Frasier

Ah, but if less is more, then just think of how much more "more" will be!

Roz

So, are you going to ask her out?

Frasier

Oh right, Legs Lenley and Crane the Brain! In my dreams!

Frasier

Listen, I'm sorry to uproot you like this, it's just-

Martin

No, it's all right. I'd rather clear the decks for a date than for one of your theme parties. Though I am kinda sorry I missed "An Evening With Moe Howard."

Frasier

That was Noël Coward!

Niles

Oh, come now, Frasier. You can't deny a certain measure of guilt, living as you do in your exclusive lily-white world.

Frasier

Niles, owning the CD of "Ella sings Gershwin" does not qualify you as a soul brother!

Frasier

We have the Wine Club tonight. I'm sort of counting on him to help me become "corkmaster."

Roz

But you'll still keep your secret identity as Frasier Crane, right?

Frasier

Lilith was insufferable, but she's got a new boyfriend. Some twenty-eight year-old named Marcel. He's a contortionist with the Cirque du Soleil.

Niles

She's dating French circus folk?

Frasier

Yes, well, he's actually perfect for Lilith. He has no apparent spine and she can wrap him around her finger.

Frasier

Say, you know my agent, Bebe, said she might be stopping by. Have you heard anything?

Daphne

No, and I hope she's not staying for lunch, I'm afraid we're fresh out of live mice.

Frasier

I take it negotiations aren't going so well?

Bebe

You remember that insulting figure you said you'd never accept?

Frasier

Uh-huh.

Bebe

They haven't come up to it yet.

Frasier

Oh, come on in, Niles. Bebe's just bringing me up to speed on her depressing news about my contract negotiations.

Bebe

Don't worry, dear. I just need to find a way to throw a scare into them.

Niles

Have you tried turning into a bat?

Bebe

I would, love, but most grown men don't share your fear of tiny creatures.

Roz

Big deal. So she's overweight; you don't need to point it out! It's rude.

Frasier

It's childish.

Niles

It's Maris!