Simon Tam quotes from Firefly

River

She's a liar.

Jayne

That don't exactly set her apart from the rest of us. The plunder sounds fun enough.

River

She's a liar, and no good will come of her.

Jayne

Well, as a rule, I say, girlfolk ain't to be trusted.

River

[grinning] "Jayne" is a girl's name.

Jayne

Well, Jayne ain't a girl! She starts in on that girl's-name thing, [reaches into his pants] I'll show her good 'n' all, I got man parts!

Simon

I'm... trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just... it's not coming.

River

Afraid.

Simon

We'll be okay. Why the captain is trusting that BOO hway-HUN duh PUO-foo is beyond—

River

Not her. Jayne.

Simon

Afraid? Since when?

River

Since Ariel. Afraid we'll know.

Jayne

[mumbling] Is [s]pine okay?

Simon

How much did they offer you to sell out me and River on Ariel?

Jayne

[mumbling] Das crazy talk.

Simon

Then let's talk crazy. How much?

Jayne

[mumbling] Anybody there?

Jayne

[mumbling] Anybody else?

Simon

No matter what you do, or say or plot, no matter how you come down on us… I will never, ever harm you. You're on this table, you're safe. 'Cause I'm your medic, and however little we may like or trust each other, we're on the same crew. Got the same troubles, same enemies, and more than enough of both. Now, we could circle each other and growl, sleep with one eye open, but that thought wearies me. I don't care what you've done, I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm trusting you. I think you should do the same. 'Cause I don't see this working any other way.

River

Also... I can kill you with my brain.

Simon

Yep—it's a cow fetus.

Kaylee

Guess so. It does seem to have an awful lot of limbs.

Simon

It's mutated.

Kaylee

But cow? How do you figure?

Simon

It's upside down.

Kaylee

Oh yeah. Cow.

Simon

And I'm out twelve bits! I really know how to show a girl a... disgusting time.

Wash

Oh my god, it's grotesque! Oh, and there's something in a jar.

Zoe

Scared her away again, did you?

Simon

D— This may come as a shock, but I'm actually… not very good at talking to girls.

Zoe

Why, is there someone you are good at talking to?

Wash

[Speaking loudly, slowly, and enunciating clearly] Do not fear me! Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony.

Simon

Isn't there a pregnant woman I'm to examine?

Wash

[to Kaylee] You'd really lie with someone being paid for it?

Kaylee

Well, it's not like anyone else is lining up to, you know, examine me.

Jayne

Whoop! My John Thomas is about to pop off and fly around the room, there's so much tasty here. Ooh!

Wash

Would be you get your most poetical about your pecker.

Inara

How many babies have you actually delivered?

Simon

As the primary? This would be the first. You?

Inara

My first, too.

River

Mine, too.

River

Who do you think is in there?

Kaylee

You couldn't possibly!

Simon

No, I wish I was lying, I just...You know, we'd all just made surgeon. That was it, we were the elite. The world was ours, you know?

Kaylee

So you had to be naked?

Simon

Naked. Yes. And, uh, on top of the statue of Hippocrates. (they laugh) Can't you just picture me?

Kaylee

What, naked? Oh, well, hmm, mmm...Let's see, I'mma have to conjure up a...yeah, that's, that's gonna be difficult...(laughs and pokes him in the cheek with her foot) So did the feds come?

Simon

There were no feds. (grins) Until I started singing.

Kaylee

Oh, no! (cracks up)

Simon

This is not--

Kaylee

What did you sing?

Simon

This is not funny. This, this is a morality tale about the evils of sake.

I would be there right now.

Simon

I really miss...It was, it was either that or the national anthem. I, reports vary...

Kaylee

You don't remember any of this?

Simon

I remember talking the feds out of telling my father. Or, or paying the feds out of telling my father. I get fuzzy on the aspect...

Jayne

So like, never?

Book

Well, no.

Jayne

Not ever ever?

Book

Some orders allow shepherds to marry, but I follow a narrower path.

Jayne

But you still got the urge? They don't...cut it off or nothin'?

Book

No, I'm more or less intact. I just...direct my energy elsewhere.

Jayne

You mean like masturbatin'?

Book

I hope you're not thinking of taking orders yourself?

Jayne

Heheh, yeah, that's be the day.

I got stupid, the money was too good.

I don't give half a hump if you're innocent or not. So where does that put you?

Jayne

Saint Jayne, got a ring to it!

Book

I'm just trying to remember how many miracles you've performed.

Jayne

I once hit a guy in the neck from five hundred yards with a bent scope, don't that count upstairs?

Book

Oh, it'll be taken into consideration.

Jayne

You made that sound kinda ominous.

Mal

You know, the only thing you're gonna find in New Melborne is fish and fish-related activities, so unless you got the overwhelming urge to gut sturgeon--and who hasn't, occasionally--

Inara

But it's a layover point for almost every planet this side of the system. I could--I just don't want to draw this out.

Mal

Have you decided when you're gonna tell the others?

Inara

I...No. I appreciate your not saying anything.

Mal

Well, I don't. So make up your mind.

I'm a big girl, just tell me.

None of it means a damn thing.

River

It's just an object. It doesn't mean what you think.

Mal

Fully loaded, safety off. This here is a recipe for unpleasantness. [to Simon] Does she understand that?

River

She understands. She doesn't comprehend.

Mal

Well, I'm glad we've made that distinction.

Mal

If I want a lot of medical jargon, I'll talk to a doctor.

Simon

You are talking to a doctor.

Mal

Girl knows things. Things she shouldn't. Things she couldn't.

Jayne

What, are you— are you sayin' she's a witch?

Wash

[sarcastically] Yes, Jayne. She's a witch. She has had congress with the beast.

Jayne

She's in Congress?

Wash

How did your brain even learn human speech? I'm just so curious.

Wash

Psychic, though? That sounds like something out of science fiction.

Zoe

We live in a spaceship, dear.

Wash

So?

Jayne

Well… I don't like the idea of someone hearin' what I'm thinkin'.

Inara

No one likes the idea of hearing what you're thinking.

Book

The Alliance could have any number of uses for a psychic.

Zoe

A psychic… or an assassin.

Simon

She's just a kid! And she just wants to be a... kid.

Mal

I wish it were that simple.

Jayne

Yeah, and if wishes were horses, we'd all be eatin' steak.

Simon

Are you Alliance?

Am I a lion?

Simon

What?

I don't think of myself as a lion. You might as well, though: I have a mighty roar.

Simon

I said "Alliance".

Oh, I thought—

Simon

No, I was—

That's weird.

Simon

So you're a bounty hunter.

No, that ain't it at all.

Simon

Then what are you?

I'm a bounty hunter.

Simon

You're outta your mind.

That's between me and my mind.

You ever been shot?

Simon

No.

You oughta be shot. Or stabbed. Lose a leg. To be a surgeon, you know? Know what kind of pain you're dealing with. They make psychiatrists get psychoanalyzed before they can get certified, but they don't make a surgeon get cut on. That seem right to you?

Alright, that's all the hide-and-seek I got time for. [shouting] I know you're on this ship, little girl! Here's how this goes: show yourself and finish this exchange, or your brother's brains'll be flyin' every whichaway! [normal tone] You understand, I'm sort of on the clock here, it's frustrating.

River

[over Serenity's intercom] You're wrong, Early.

I'm not wrong, dumpling, I will shoot your brother dead if you don't—

River

Wrong about River. River's not on the ship. They didn't want her here. But she couldn't make herself leave. So she melted. Melted away. They didn't know she could do that. But she did.

Not sure I take your meaning there.

River

I'm not on the ship. I'm in the ship. I am the ship.

Simon

River—

River

River's gone.

Then who exactly are we talking to?

River

Talking to Serenity. And Early? Serenity is very unhappy.

Where'd she go?

Simon

I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship; don't look at me.

I only hurt people 'cause they keep gettin' in the way of me finding you. [points his gun at Simon] Tell her.

Simon

What am I, your advocate?

You are, starting now.

Simon

[deadpan] He's really very… gentle, and fuzzy. We're becoming fast friends.

You folks are all insane.

Simon

Well… my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.

You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport, yet by far the most troublesome. Does that seem right to you?

Simon

What'd he do?

Who?

Simon

The midget.

Arson. Little man loved fire.