Wash quotes from Firefly

Zoe

Proximity alert. We must be comin' up on something.

Wash

Oh my god. What can it be? We're all doomed! Who's flying this thing?! (pause) Oh, right, that would be me. Back to work. (hands ball to Mal and leaves)

Kaylee

So I guess it makes us one man short.

Jayne

Yeah, little Kaylee's always one man short. (Kaylee punches him) Ow! Hey!

Jayne

Tell you what I think. I figure that fellow we run into did everyone on board. Killed 'em all. Then he decided to take a swim, see how fast his blood would boil out his ears.

Wash

You're a very up person.

Mal

We'll check it out, see if there are any survivors. And if not, well, then, no one's gonna mind if we take a look around, see if there's not something of value they might've left behind.

Jayne

Yeah, no, uh, someone could be hurt!

Zoe

Planet's coming up a mite fast.

Wash

That's just 'cause— I'm going down too quick. Likely crash and kill us all.

Mal

Well, that happens, let me know.

Kaylee

Look at the fluffy one!

Zoe

Too much foofaraw. If I'm gonna wear a dress, I want something with some slink.

Wash

You want a slinky dress? I can buy you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?

Jayne

I'll chip in.

Zoe

I can hurt you.

Wash

Don't fall asleep now. Sleepiness is weakness of character, ask anyone.

Zoe

It is not!

Wash

You're acting Captain. You know what happens, you fall asleep?

Zoe

Jayne slits my throat and takes over?

Wash

That's right.

Zoe

And we can't stop it?

Wash

I wash my hands of it. Hopeless case. I'll read a nice poem at the funeral. Something with imagery.

Zoe

You could lock the door. Keep the power-hungry maniac at bay.

Wash

Don't know. I'm starting to like this poetry thing. "Here lies my beloved Zoe, my autumn flower... somewhat less attractive now that she's all corpsified and gross—" [Zoe hits him with a pillow]

Jayne

About time you broke in them fancy shoes. Hyah! Get along!

Mal

You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.

Jayne

I like smackin' 'em.

Zoe

Next time we smuggle stock, let's make it something smaller.

Wash

Yeah, we should start dealing in those black-market beagles.

Wash

You brute.

Kaylee

Oh, sweetie, don't feel bad. He makes everybody cry. He's like a monster.

Mal

I'm not a monster!

Wash

Is there any more where that came from?

Saffron

[to Mal] I didn't think to make enough for your friends... [to Zoe] But everything's laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband.

Wash

[nervously] Z— heh-heh... Isn't she quaint? I'm just not hungry.

Zoe

So… are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?

Mal

She wanted to make me dinner. Well, at least she's not cryin'.

Wash

I might. Did she really make fresh bao?

Wash

...Quaint!

Zoe

Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?

Mal

I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump.

Zoe

No one's saying that, sir.

Wash

Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.

Saffron

Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was?

Wash

Not so much.

Saffron

That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her…

Wash

Huh.

Saffron

...making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.

Wash

Whoa. Good myth.

Saffron

Make this night what it should be. Please? Show me the stars.

Wash

Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh... I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not… married, not... madly in love with a beautiful woman who... can... kill me with her pinkie!

Zoe

If she can fly this thing, why just take the shuttle?

Wash

Maybe she likes shuttles.

Wash

Some people juggle geese!

Mal

You woulda kissed her too.

Zoe

Wash didn't.

Mal

But she was naked! And all... articulate!

Wash

Okay! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.

Wash

Captain, don't you know kissin' girls makes you sleepy?

Mal

Sometimes, I just can't help myself.

Simon

Canton really... stinks.

Mal

That's what makes it such a good drop point. No one comes through here that doesn't have to.

Wash

I vote we do this job really really fast.

We've over 2,000 workers, mostly indentured. We pay them next to nothing. That way, we can pass the savings directly on to you, the customer.

Simon

Yes. I... I-I've heard great, uh... um, uh... things about mud...

Wash

What happened to Simon? Who is this diabolical master of disguise?