[Horse-mounted bandits accost a Conestoga wagon-like raft, driven by Jayne and a hunched-over woman.]
BBandit
You gonna give us what's due us. And every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one-on-one time with the missus.
Oh, I think you might wanna reconsider that last part. See, I married me a powerful ugly creature.
[The "woman" looks up — it's Mal in a dress.]
How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
If I could make you prettier I would!
You are not the man I met a year ago!
[Mal and Jayne get the draw on the bandits.]
Now think real hard. You been bird-doggin' this township awhile now. They wouldn't mind a corpse of you. Now, you can luxuriate in a nice jail cell, but if your hand touches metal, I swear by my pretty floral bonnet, I will end you.
So… explain to me again why Zoe wasn't in the dress?
Tactics, woman. Needed her in the back. Besides, them soft cotton dresses feel kinda nice. There's a whole… airflow.
And you'd know that because…?
You can't open the book of my life and jump in the middle. Like woman, I am a mystery.
[laughs] Best keep it that way. I withdraw the question.
ZZoë
[on the intercom] This is Zoe. We need all personnel in the cargo bay.
Captain, everyone should have a chance to congratulate you on your day of bliss.
There's no bliss. I don't know this girl!
You are going to be cleaning out latrines with your face if you don't cut that out.
[Mal is alarmed about his new bride's expectations and attitudes.]
Someone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back! Wife or no, you are no one's property to be tossed aside. You got the right same as anyone to live and try to kill people.
If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters and people who talk at the theater.
Preacher, you got a smutty mind!
Perhaps I spoke out of turn.
Per-maybe-haps, I'm thinking!
I apologize. I'll make her up a room in passenger dorm.
[walking away, pauses and looks back at Mal] The special hell.
[Wash and Zoe find Mal enjoying Saffron's culinary skills.]
Is there any more where that came from?
[to Mal] I didn't think to make enough for your friends... [to Zoe] But everything's laid out if you'd like to cook for your husband.
[Wash turns to Zoe, who gives him a look.]
[nervously] Z— heh-heh... Isn't she quaint? I'm just not hungry.
So… are you enjoying your own nubile little slave girl?
She wanted to make me dinner. Well, at least she's not cryin'.
I might. Did she really make fresh bao?
[Zoe glares at Wash.]
Remember that sex we were planning to have, ever again?
I would appreciate it if one person on this boat would not assume I'm an evil, lecherous hump.
No one's saying that, sir.
Yeah, we're pretty much just giving each other significant glances and laughing incessantly.
[Jayne menacingly approaches Mal with a huge weapon.]
Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger. Double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
[He hands it to Mal.]
Da-shiong bao-jah-shr duh la doo-tze... Are you offering me a trade?
A trade? Hell, that's theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value. It's miles more worthy'n what you got.
What I got? She has a name!
So does this! [caresses the gun lovingly] I call it Vera.
Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.
[Mal is disconcerted to find Saffron in his bed, wearing only a bedsheet.]
But we've been wed. Aren't… we to become one flesh?
Well, no, uh… we're still two fleshes here, and... I think... that your flesh oughta… sleep somewhere else.
I'm sorry. When we talked, I'd hoped, but I—
[She gestures with her hands, losing the sheet. Mal turns away.]
Whoa, hey! Flesh. Um... Saffron... i-it... it ain't a question of pleasing me. It's more a question of what's...
[Mal, breathing heavily, strains not to look at the naked woman.]
...um... of what's morally right.
I do know my Bible, sir. [Recites a fictional bible verse] "On the night of their betrothal, the wife shall open to the man as the furrow to the plow, and he shall work in her, in and again, till she bring him to his fall, and rest him then upon the sweat of her breast."
[Cut to Mal, who is openly staring now.]
. . .
...it's been a while—a long, damn while—since anybody but me took ahold of my plow…
. . .
[Saffron stands up from the bed and slowly approaches a stunned Mal.]
If I'm wed, I'm a woman, and I'll take your leave to be bold. I want this. I swell to think of you in me.
[She looks down.]
And I see that you do, too.
Oh, th-th— that's just, uh...
Leave me at the nearest port. Never look upon me again. I'll make my way with the strength that you've taught me. Only let me have my wedding night.
[resignedly] Oh, I'm gonna go to the special hell.
[After closing the bridge door, Saffron grabs Wash's hand and pulls him close. They stare at the stars.]
Do you know the myth of Earth-That-Was?
That when she was born, she had no sky, and was open, inviting. And the stars would rush into her, through the skin of her…
...making the oceans boil with sensation. And when she could endure no more ecstasy, she puffed up her cheeks and blew out the sky.
. . .
Make this night what it should be. Please? Show me the stars.
Wuh duh ma huh ta duh fung-kwong duh wai-shung doh... I wish I was somebody else right now. Somebody not… married, not... madly in love with a beautiful woman who... can... kill me with her pinkie!
