(Father Ted is standing in front of a sitting Father Jack, with a board between them)
Right, father, now we're going to have a little elocution lesson.
Drink! (throws can of beer)
Now, father, you can't be saying that all the time when the bishops come here.
No, you can't say that either.
Look father, just let's go back to "drink" for the moment.
Right, now I want you to have a look at this.
(Ted turns a page on the board, with the words "That would be an ecumenical matter" and “Yes” written on it)
Have a go at the first one here... "That". (points to word)
Now come on, father, concentrate. "That".
(this continues a few more times)
Now come on now father! I know you can do it! There'll be a little drink in it for you if you do it.
Yes I promise. Now come on, try again. "That".
(trying very very hard). Th.. th... th... h.... Drink!
Come on now father you almost had it! "That".
Th.. th... th... h.... That!
Brilliant, Father! Let's keep it going here, and the next one, "That would"
(Jack collapses back into chair in despair, while Ted smashes the board away in frustration)
(The three priests and three bishops are gathered around the Holy Stone of Clonrichert, giving the blessing liturgy)
Heavenly Father, hear our prayer. We pray that this rock be upgraded to a class 2 relic. And by the grace of God, bring healing to all who pass within a radius of 2½ to 3 feet of it, at your discretion. And may all who are healed in such a way give glory to you, our Lord, through your earthly form of this class 2 relic. Amen.
(Fathers Ted and Dougal are waiting outside for the bishops as they leave)
(Bishop O'Neill exits first. He is dressed in hippy clothes)
(Bishop O'Neill shakes Dougal's hand)
Oh. You're welcome Bishop.
(correcting him). No, no. "Eddie".
Are you sure you won't reconsider your decision?
BOBishop O'Neill (Eddie)
No. Anyway it's too late. I'm off to India for two months with a few friends. Ah, there they are. (gives peace sign to Ted and Dougal)
(Hippies in a VW Kombi drive up)
(Bishop O'Neill (Eddie), climbs into van with hippy friends, and is immediately given a marijuana joint, which he begins to smoke)
(Bishop Facks is the next to exit, walking very gingerly and accompanied by a paramedic)
Ah, your grace. (quietly) The Holy Stone... will it still be a class 2 when they, er... (motions head towards Facks's buttocks)
(Bishop Facks does not reply and walks off into a waiting ambulance)
(Bishop Jordan is the final one to exit, in a coffin carried by two men in suits)
God Bless. (Dougal gives a wave to the coffin as it passes by)
(Fathers Ted and Dougal walk inside into the living room)
That went pretty well I thought.
