Fanboy & Chum Chum quotes

Chum Chum

Oh great, you found my cousin!

[leaps onto Chum Chum] Muck muck!

Fanboy

Your favorite cousin? You mean you really did have one?

Chum Chum

I told you silly. Fanboy, I'd like you to meet Muk Muk.

Muck muck!

Fanboy

Oh, uh, hi, I'm Boyfan! [nervously giggles, does face palm] I mean I'm Fanboy. Did I just say I'm Boyfan? I'm Fanboy! Who would be named Boyfan? I mean, can you imagine such a thing? Why am I laughing so much? I love life! What can I say? Fanboy... [Muk Muk sniffs the hand he stretches out to her, she sneezes on it] I'll never wash this hand again...

Poopatine

Hey! What's the matter with you?

Fanboy

Well, if you must remember, I lost my mop... And I don't know if I can get her back!

Poopatine

No! I meant I just painted the bench! Can't you read that sign? [Fanboy sees a sign on the bench saying "wet paint"]

Fanboy

You're right! I should fight for her! But what she doesn't take me back?

Poopatine

Get off this bench right now!

Fanboy

I'll never know unless I try.. I'll do it! [while shaking Poopatine's hand] Thanks Janitor Poopatine! [rushes back into the cafeteria] You're the best!

Fanboy

Oh, ahem, I am...

Don't tell me! That sunken skull - I would know it anywhere! You are Flathead! The human battering ram, who knocked down the great door of castle ragnor!

Fanboy

I also once tipped over a while rack of bikes.

[points to Chum Chum] And you! Stand stalwart and strong, though clearly your legs were pulled off by a fearsome 8-armed kracken. You are Half-legs! Long have the bards; sung your praises.

Chum Chum

Aww, stop...

Okay, can you tell me the capital of Swi-den... Swid... Sweden?

Fanboy

[gasps] Ooh... And I just ate a gummy fish from there. [Thorvald gets up from his chair, runs over to Fanboy, whispers to him, then runs back to his chair] Thorvaldia!

[imitates buzzer] Ehhh. Incorrect.

[furiously confronts Mr. Mufflin] OF COURSE, IT'S THORVALDIA! I named it myself when I conquered it a thousand years ago last week!

No, I think I know the capital of Swaziland when I'm looking right at it!

THORVALD THE RED IS NOT WRONG! It is your map that is wrong! Why, it's not even the right shape! [squashes the globe flat with his hammer] That is the shape of the world!

Chum Chum

Awww. [holds up his own hammer] I was gonna smash that.

Lenny

Hey, hey! You can't bring that boat in here! [Throvald growls at him] But, feel free to pillage whatever you want.

Chum Chum

Hi, Lenny.

Lenny

Oh, it's you two.

Lowly serf. We are thirsty from our journey. Bring us drink and leg of mutton.

Lenny

I'm not your serv- [Thorvald chops off the top of Lenny's hat with his battle axe, as the top of the hat slips and falls off; gets out a plate of mutton] You want cheese on that mutton? [smiles nervously]

Oz

This place is seriously not Valhalla.

What does he mean, "not Valhalla"?

Oz

I'm sorry, do you see the 500 doors of Gliffingang or am I just missing them?

[looks around] He's right! Where are the golden horns of Limpska?! And the shields of Flubenklaven?! THIS ISN'T VALHALLA, MEN! WE'VE BEEN TRICKED! [starts going on a rampage in the Frosty Mart]

Fanboy

[Gasps] It's Janitor Poopatine!

Chum Chum

Poop! And he's driving a dumpster!

Poopatine

Huh? This is no dumpster! It's a highly advanced fully mechanized trash receptacle! I call it...the Dump Star!

[pause] Ohhhhhh! That's nice! [The Dumpstar's claws grab them] Woah!

Poopatine

Oh, Brenda, stop being so dramatic. They're not replacing you. I'm just teaching them a lesson. Whoa! [falls into the floor which is covered in peanut butter] What are you doing?

Fanboy

Everyone knows the best way to get out ketchup is with peanut butter. Or is it soapy water?

Poopatine

[growls] STOP THIS AT ONCE!

Fanboy

Hold off on the peanut butter, chum.

Chum Chum

[on the roof of the cafeteria] Boy, this peanut butter really sticks to the roof of your school.

Poopatine

I see you have failed. Perhaps I can find another task better suited to your feeble skills.

Fanboy

Uh, Chum Chum, tell me my jaw did not just touch this floor.

Poopatine

Stop the Dump Star!

Fanboy

Uh, Chum Chum. I think the hologram's talking, but I don't see anything.

Poopatine

Look at me, you nitwits!

Chum Chum

I don't think I like its tone. [the Poopatine Hologram from earlier appears]

Not me, you nitwits. Him! [points] [Fanboy and Chum Chum see that the hologram was pointing at the real Poopatine, who is on Brenda and is shaking his fist angrily at them]

Chum Chum

Hey, Janitor Poopatine.

Poopatine

Pull over! Pull over!

Fanboy

I think he wants us to honk the horn. [Chum Chum honks the horn] How's that, huh? More horn? He wants more horn. [Chum Chum honks the horn many times]

Just put it on the trident. [Receives the note] An excuse note, huh? Better be a pretty good one. [reads the note] "Please excuse the boys for being late." [cut to the hesitated boys, he continues offscreen] "They were knitting tea cozies for elderly ninjas." [back on him] Ninjas, huh? I thought I'd heard everything! But that...

...Is the sweetest gesture I've ever heard! Now, those lucky ninjas can enjoy warm tea after a night of blowing poison darts into their enemies' necks. [The boys confused as he says this.] Tardiness excused! [blows nose]

Homework. Homework. Homework. [Finds a pink sheet] This isn't homework, it's some sort of a note.

Ohh. "Saving kittens...from an oil spill"?! [cries] You're excused from last night's homework. [Kyle gives him another note] "And the kittens had puppies -- in an avalanche"?! [bawling] You -- you don't have to do homework for the rest of the week!

I need a moment! [blows nose loudly]

A note, huh? "Please...excuse...Fan...kyle...chum...from Mr. Mufflin's class...forever. Flea Bee Pea ninnie Knee Mercue leh." Well, this seems to be in order. [Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle giggle] Fan-Kyle-Chum!

Present! [Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle loom on, horrified. He walks up to Mr. Mufflin]

Yup. Looks like you're free to go!

Thank you! Now I can play recess forever! [Fanboy, Chum Chum and Kyle's jaws drop]

Fanboy

Ok... ...Would you take a few follow-up questions?

Chum Chum

Sure.

Fanboy

Can you eat sweet potatoes? Can you play Chimp Chomp? Can you read comic books? Can you break dance? Can you talk to fish? Can you eat cheese through your ear? Can you chew gum whist walk?! Are there rocket cars? Are they red? Are there blueberries? Are they red? [unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma? [spits, still unintelligible] Muh muh muh ma? Muh muh muh ma?! Can you wear clown shoes? Can you drink pudding through a straw? Can you ride a dog like a horse? Are the banks open? [screaming over noise] Can you dance with mummies? [whispering] Can you get a good bagel? Does it rain hot gravy? [SLAM] Will a Sasquatch give back rubs? [SLAM] Does it rain hot gravy? Are there unlimited chicken drummettes? Do monkeys shine your shoes? Is Duke there?

Chum Chum

Well-

Fanboy

Can you eat electricity? Can you pet a live tiger? [slightly less crazed] Can you hand me some toilet paper? Can you wear white after labor day? Do the shrimp peel and eat themselves? Of course they do! What am I thinking? It’s Night-Morning! Anything Can Happen!

Chum Chum

I don't know if you're intrested, but if you want, you can do Night-Morning with me.

Fanboy

[surprised spit] ME?!? DO NIGHT MORNING?!?!? I'm going to Night Morning! I don't think I can sleep! I need a lullaby. [Lullabysongy] ♪ Night Morning, Night Morning, Niiiiight Morrrning... ♪ ♪ Night Morning...Night Morning...Niiiight...Morrr... ♪

Night morning! Night morning! Night morning! Night morning!

Chum Chum

Next time we splash down, we should do it in water. Fanboy, look. We landed in the kindergarten.

Fanboy

Wow. We went back in time, too? We must've gone faster than I thought.