BSBen Stiller
A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?
BSBen Stiller
Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's … still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?
[quietly, to Maggie] Make Dodgeball 2?
[After Andy has spoken to Ben Stiller out of turn]
BSBen Stiller
Who are you?
BSBen Stiller
What's that? Who?
BSBen Stiller
That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?
It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.
[Pause]
BSBen Stiller
Was that supposed to be funny?
You tell me, you were in it.
SStiller
Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.
[Andy shrugs and turns to leave. Ben Stiller turns his back to Andy, then swings back again, not finished]
BSBen Stiller
Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?
BSBen Stiller
No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?
RCRandom Crewmember
I dunno.
BSBen Stiller
Take a wild guess.
RCRandom Crewmember
Twenty million?
BSBen Stiller
[Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.
[Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.
BSBen Stiller
[Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!
BSBen Stiller
I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!
BSBen Stiller
It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]
Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
[incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.
Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!
Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man?
CCaterer
Chicken's the warmest.
Is it? I'll have that then.
[gives Andy his food]
Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice!
[Caterer dives his fingers into mash]
Ooh, straight in there, no fuss.
CCaterer
That's not a pube, it's a dog hair.
Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.
Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?
No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.
Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."
KWKate Winslet
Sounds interesting.
Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.
KWKate Winslet
Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?
WWinslet
My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"
WWinslet
Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.
[Genie appears out of a big lamp]
LDLes Dennis
Blimey! What a big poof.
LDLes Dennis
Who are you?
Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.
LDLes Dennis
How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?
Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.
LDLes Dennis
You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.
LDLes Dennis
I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.
LDLes Dennis
Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny?
It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub
LDLes Dennis
What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.
Yeah, definitely, he was gay.
LDLes Dennis
I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?
Again quite funny when you do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?
He doesn't think you're a racist.
He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.
What, the Rosa Parks incident??
It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.
Well, there is that test I can give you.
The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.
Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?
I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?
Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?
[stressed] I don't know...
Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?
Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?
Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!
Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?
Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.
Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.
What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?
PSPatrick Stewart
Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?
PSPatrick Stewart
The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.
PSPatrick Stewart
So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.
Right. That's interesting.
PSPatrick Stewart
For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.
All her clothes fall off?
PSPatrick Stewart
Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all.
PSPatrick Stewart
No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.
PSPatrick Stewart
Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass." And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off. On the grass.
So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?
PSPatrick Stewart
Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --
PSPatrick Stewart
Instantly.
