Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?
DarrenWell, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.
Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.
Darren
15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.
[incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?
Darren
That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.
Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.
Darren
You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!
Darren
The papers don't look good.
[Holds up newspaper]
Darren
"Bully kicks midget in face".
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren
"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
At least it can't get worse.
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Darren
Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
Well what's that got to do with it?
Darren
Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.
Darren
Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
Darren
Have a lovely bit of muffin.
Darren
Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
Darren
Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
SShaun
[through intercom] Yo?
Darren
I'm having the muffin.
SShaun
[through intercom] I'll come through.
Darren
It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
[Shaun enters]
[they shake hands]
Darren
Lovely bit of muffin.
SShaun
[to muffin] Hello, you.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
Why's he eating like that?
Darren
Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
SShaun
Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
You... you shook my hand when you came in.
SShaun
Well that's politeness innit?
Darren
He's just being polite.
[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
RCRonnie Corbett
[to Darren] It's your fault.
Darren
Why's it my fault?
RCRonnie Corbett
They saw your head over the cubicle door.
They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
[security guard enters]
SGSecurity Guard
Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
[Andy laughs]
...Is something funny?
SGSecurity Guard
Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
[Andy mumbles]
...Is this it? Or is there any more?
[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
RCRonnie Corbett
Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
SGSecurity Guard
Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Was it Moira Stuart?
RCRonnie Corbett
I can't say.
SGSecurity Guard
We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
RCRonnie Corbett
You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, all of you.
SGSecurity Guard
You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
RCRonnie Corbett
What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
SGSecurity Guard
Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
RCRonnie Corbett
Probably.
SGSecurity Guard
Expect a call.
Darren
[pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
Darren
Makes sense.
SGSecurity Guard
Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
Darren
I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
[Darren looks around]
Darren
You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
Darren
What play?
The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.
I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!
Darren
Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.
You're not listening to me!
Darren
It's good money.
Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?
Darren
Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?
Darren
Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.
Darren
Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --
What do you mean, you said no?
Darren
Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --
Darren
But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]
Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.
Darren
Who?
Darren
No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.
Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!
Darren
But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!
Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.
Darren
Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]
Extras · 27 quotes
