Maggie Jacobs quotes from Extras

Who are you?

Andy

Nobody.

What's that? Who?

Andy

Nobody.

That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?

Andy

It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.

Was that supposed to be funny?

Andy

You tell me, you were in it.

Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.

Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?

Andy

No.

No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?

I dunno.

Take a wild guess.

Twenty million?

[Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.

Andy

[Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.

[Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!

Andy

Yes, you are.

I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!

Maggie

In films.

It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]

Andy

Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?

Maggie

No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.

Andy

Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."

Sounds interesting.

Andy

Hi. Not me. Her.

Go on.

Andy

Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.

Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?

Maggie

Yeah.

Andy

He doesn't think you're a racist.

Maggie

He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.

Andy

What, the Rosa Parks incident??

Maggie

It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

Andy

Sure.

Andy

Well, there is that test I can give you.

Maggie

What test?

Andy

The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.

Maggie

I've never heard of it.

Andy

Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?

Maggie

Brad Pitt, obviously.

Andy

Obviously?

Maggie

What?

Andy

I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?

Maggie

Tony Blair.

Andy

Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?

Maggie

[stressed] I don't know...

Andy

Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?

Maggie

Queen Elizabeth II.

Andy

Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?

Maggie

Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!

Andy

Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?

Maggie

Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.

Andy

Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

Andy

I'm an entertainer too.

What do you do?

Andy

I'm in a sitcom.

Maggie

It's called When The Whistle Blows. Have you seen it?

I haven't, no, is it any good?

[off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Maggie

Look, it's Greg in a film!

Andy

Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.

Maggie

No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.

Andy

[scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...

Maggie

[as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!

Andy

[shrugging] Bit part.

I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...

Maggie

He's one of the leads!

Andy

In a terrible film.

...I thought the film was brilliant...

Maggie

He thought it was brilliant!

Andy

Oh, I can hear!