Andy Millman quotes from Extras

A lot of you might be thinking, 'Why am I making this movie?' Sure, you guys look at me as one of the world's most successful comedy actors … what does that mean? I mean, yeah, I make Along Came Polly, it opens to $32 million, one of the biggest Martin Luther King, Jr. birthday holiday opening weekends ever, goes on to gross 170 million worldwide. Meet the Parents, double that. But what does the money and the success mean in real terms? If I find a little orphan child in a warzone, hiding in a burnt out building. His parents, murdered. Persecuted for his race, his religion. What am I gonna do? Pop on Dodgeball on DVD?

Is funny film.

Thanks, and I can put on Dodgeball, and he's gonna laugh for an hour and 32 minutes, you know, escape reality for a while, but what happens when the film finishes? Back to reality. Still an orphan. Still living with fear. How do I help him? Put on Dodgeball again? Sure, he's gonna laugh again. He'll see things he didn't see the first time, it's layered, it was made like that. But, this can't go on indefinitely. All right, at a certain point, you know, after the fifth, sixth, seventh viewing, he's … still laughing, but it's not getting to the root of the problem. OK? How do I help him?

Andy

[quietly, to Maggie] Make Dodgeball 2?

Who are you?

Andy

Nobody.

What's that? Who?

Andy

Nobody.

That's right. Nobody. Yeah. And who am I?

Andy

It's either Starsky or Hutch, I can never remember.

Was that supposed to be funny?

Andy

You tell me, you were in it.

Get off my set. Go on, get off my set.

Hey, do you know how much Meet the Fockers made in its opening weekend?

Andy

No.

No, you don't do you? [Suddenly points to a random crew member] What do you think?

I dunno.

Take a wild guess.

Twenty million?

[Smugly, to Andy] Way off. Double it. Add six. Forty-six, three days. Seventy million, five days. Five hundred million worldwide. Number one movie in India, right now.

Andy

[Unimpressed] Well done. Bye, nerd.

[Livid] Oh, I'm a nerd?!

Andy

Yes, you are.

I'm a nerd! I've kissed Cameron Diaz, Drew Barrymore! I, uh, I slapped Jennifer Aniston's butt!

Maggie

In films.

It still counts! [Stomps away, turns, realizes the entire cast and crew is staring at him; defensively] It still counts! … It still counts. I did it. [Stomps off]

Andy

Sorry, the reason I'm here is, I want to know what your plan of action is. What's your strategy, what is your business plan?

Darren

Well, my plan is, when you get some work, then I can start making some money. 'Cause what I'm no good at, is, you know, breaking an act.

Andy

Oh! So, when I'm successful, you can deduct 12.5%, no problem.

Darren

15 for adverts. That's what I'm hanging on for, really.

Andy

[incredulous] Yeah? You just want someone to call up and give me an advert?

Darren

That would be amazing. That would be brilliant.

Andy

Right, OK. Make sure the phone's on the hook, then.

Darren

You joke about it; it was unplugged for two days! No one noticed. Tsk!

Andy

Ah, and what do you recommend, my good man?

Chicken's the warmest.

Andy

Is it? I'll have that then.

One chicken.

Andy

Your heart isn't in this is it? Oh, but one of your pubes is, I notice!

Andy

Ooh, straight in there, no fuss.

That's not a pube, it's a dog hair.

Andy

Oh, it's alright everyone! It's not a pube, it's just a dog hair, that's all. I thought it was a pube, but no. Oh, by the way, if you do happen to find any hairs in your food, he just goes straight in there with his sausage fingers.

Andy

Have you talked dirty back to him? Have you?

Maggie

No, no, I have not. I don't know what to say to him, it's too embarrassing. What if I say, like, something and he just laughs at me, or something and he, and it's too much and he gets all offended.

Andy

Well, no, it's just all stuff like, "Ooh, I'm playing with myself."

Sounds interesting.

Andy

Hi. Not me. Her.

Go on.

Andy

Her boyfriend likes to talk dirty on the phone and she doesn't know what to say to him.

Oh, yeah, that can be a bit awkward. Well, why don't you just start off with something light, you know, like, um, "I'd love it if you stuck your Willy Wonka between my Oompa Loompas." You know, something a bit fun, a bit jokey. And then you can get more hardcore, rattle off the old classics, like, "I'm playing with my dirty pillows," "I'm aching for your big purple-headed womb-ferret," and then go straight in hard, like, "Get 'round here 'cause I'm fudding myself stupid and I'm bloody loving it." Right?

Maggie

Yeah.

My God, I'm not doing it for that. I mean, I don't think we really need another film about the Holocaust, do we? It's like, how many have there been, you know? We get it. It was grim. Move on. No, I'm doing it because I've noticed that if you do a film about the Holocaust you're guaranteed an Oscar. I've been nominated four times. Never won. The whole world is going, "Why hasn't Winslet won one?"

Andy

Def-yeah

Right, so... That's why I'm doing it. "Schindler's bloody List." "The Pianist." Oscars coming out of their arse.

Blimey! What a big poof.

Andy

[as Genie] Cheeky!

Who are you?

Andy

Well, I'll be anyone you want me to be but you can call me Genie.

How does someone as big as you squeeze into this tiny lamp?

Andy

Don't worry about it. I'm used to squeezing myself into tight holes! Ewwwwgh! No pain, no gain.

You don't remember. Nobody remembers. That's why I'm in a shitty little panto, where the only people laughing were that bunch of gays.

Andy

Nothing wrong with gays.

I know. But they'll laugh at anything. No victory in making a bunch of gays laugh, they laugh at anything. Look at that Graham Norton.

Andy

He's alright, i'n' he?

Is he? Is this funny, is it? "Oooh! Look at this website about cocks and fannies. Oooh! Jackie Collins, what lovely tits. Do you like a cock up your arse? Oooh!" Is that funny?

Andy

It is quite funny when you do it, but keep it down a little bit, 'cause you're in a pub

What is that? I want to do something more high-brow, Oscar Wilde or something.

Andy

Yeah, definitely, he was gay.

I know. But not in the same way. He was clever. Would this have been funny? Him going through customs: "I have nothing to declare but my genius. Ooooh! And this vibratin' tongue for pleasurin' fannies. Oooh!" Is that funny?

Andy

Again quite funny when you do it. But it's Sunday, can you keep the "fannies" down to a minimum?

Andy

He doesn't think you're a racist.

Maggie

He does! He's just seen me say to a black woman, "You're not allowed to sit on this bus." It's like that whole racism-on-a-bus incident all over again.

Andy

What, the Rosa Parks incident??

Maggie

It wasn't in a park, it was on a bus.

Andy

Sure.

Andy

Well, there is that test I can give you.

Maggie

What test?

Andy

The racism test they give you when you join the Council to make sure you're not a racist.

Maggie

I've never heard of it.

Andy

Yeah, do you want to do it? Just ten questions-- You've got to answer totally honestly, okay? Just relax, you've got nothing to worry about... unless you are a racist... Okay, question one: Who would rather see with their shirt off? Brad Pitt or Sir Trevor McDonald?

Maggie

Brad Pitt, obviously.

Andy

Obviously?

Maggie

What?

Andy

I can't say anything until the end. Right, question two. This is about racial awareness, cause often you catch out a real racist because they don't know or care about any black issues. Who is the prime minister of Great Britain?

Maggie

Tony Blair.

Andy

Correct. Who is the Prime Minister of Namibia?

Maggie

[stressed] I don't know...

Andy

Ooh, you knew the white one... Okay, um, oh dear... Who is the Queen of England?

Maggie

Queen Elizabeth II.

Andy

Correct. Who is the President of Djibouti?

Maggie

Oh, this is ridiculous! I've never even heard of blubbin' Djibouti!

Andy

Oh! Please do not ridicule the totally valid African language, please. Alright, next question. Who would you rather have waiting for you when you get home tonight: Johnny Depp or OJ Simpson?

Maggie

Johnny Depp, because of the murder thing.

Andy

Because of the murder thing? I think you'll find that OJ Simpson was acquitted, but in your eyes because he's black, he's still guilty.

Andy

What's your story about, if you don't mind me asking?

Well, how best to explain this? You've seen me in X-Men?

Andy

Yeah.

The character I am, Professor Charles Xavier, if you remember, can control things with the power of his mind; make people do things and see things. So I thought, what if you could do that for real? I mean, not in a comic book world, but in the real world.

Andy

Alright.

So, in my film, I play a man who controls the world with his mind.

Andy

Right. That's interesting.

For instance, I'm walking along, and I see this beautiful girl, and I think I'd like to see her naked, and so all her clothes fall off.

Andy

All her clothes fall off?

Mmm. Yes. And she's scrabbling around to get them back on again, but even before she can get her knickers on, I've seen everything. I've seen it all.

Andy

Ok... So, comedy, is it?

No. It's about what would happen if these things were possible.

Andy

What's the story though?

Well, I do other stuff, like I'm riding my bike in the park, and this policewoman says, "Oi! You can't ride your bike on the grass." And I go, "Oh no?", and her uniform falls off, and she goes "Aaaah!", and she's trying to cover up, but I've seen everything anyway, and I get on my bike and ride off. On the grass.

Andy

So, it's mainly about seeing ladies' tits?

Mainly. And I do other stuff. Like I go to the World Cup Final and it's Germany vs. England. And I wish I were playing and suddenly I am! And I score the winning goal. They carry me into the dressing room, and there's Rooney and Beckham and then Posh Spice walks in and --

Andy

Her clothes fall off?

Instantly.

Andy

Sure.

[as Alfie] My sister buried me today.

Andy

Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?

Back again! 14 years I did here at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers plays pop, all sorts. Still run by Jews and queers is it?

Andy

It's what!?

This place, still run by your Jews and queers?

Andy

I think there are some Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.

[sarcastically] "Gay!" Yeah I forgot, not meant to say queer are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? Now put it this way; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us minges. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.

Andy

Good, I should be making notes.

What?

Andy

Nothing. It's all good advice.

Andy

I'm an entertainer too.

What do you do?

Andy

I'm in a sitcom.

Maggie

It's called When The Whistle Blows. Have you seen it?

I haven't, no, is it any good?

[off-screen] Na. It's shit.

Darren

The papers don't look good.

Andy

Oh what's it say?

Darren

"Bully kicks midget in face".

Andy

Accurate...

Darren

"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".

Andy

At least it can't get worse.

Darren

Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".

Andy

Well what's that got to do with it?

Darren

Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.