KCKeith Chegwin
[as Alfie] My sister buried me today.
Oh, for fuck's sake! Why would your sister bury you?
S2 E1Episode 1
KCKeith Chegwin
Back again! 14 years I did here at the BBC. Swap Shop. Cheggers plays pop, all sorts. Still run by Jews and queers is it?
It's what!?
KCKeith Chegwin
This place, still run by your Jews and queers?
I think there are some Jewish people, and some gay people, yeah.
KCKeith Chegwin
[sarcastically] "Gay!" Yeah I forgot, not meant to say queer are you? Suggests something abnormal. What could be more normal than shoving your cock up a bloke's arse? Now put it this way; If god had wanted a cock up an arse, he wouldn't have given us minges. Men have knobs. Women have fannies. Pop knob in fanny. Not up the arse.
Good, I should be making notes.
KCKeith Chegwin
What?
Nothing. It's all good advice.
S2 E2Episode 2
I'm an entertainer too.
DBDavid Bowie
What do you do?
I'm in a sitcom.
It's called When The Whistle Blows. Have you seen it?
DBDavid Bowie
I haven't, no, is it any good?
HHeckler
[off-screen] Na. It's shit.
S2 E3Episode 3
DRDaniel Radcliffe
You married?
MUMake-Up Artist
Yeah.
DRDaniel Radcliffe
Don't stop me. A ring don't mean a thing.
The papers don't look good.
Oh what's it say?
[Holds up newspaper]
"Bully kicks midget in face".
Accurate...
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
"Pick on someone your own size, fatty".
At least it can't get worse.
[Puts down paper and holds up another]
Yeah, look at this one; "Suicide bombers get Lotto funding'".
Well what's that got to do with it?
Nothing, it's just shocking though innit, what goes on.
S2 E4Episode 4
Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?
No.
Have a lovely bit of muffin.
I don't want any.
Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?
No.
Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?
SShaun
[through intercom] Yo?
I'm having the muffin.
SShaun
[through intercom] I'll come through.
Why is this an event?
It's exciting. [bites into muffin]
[Shaun enters]
SShaun
Alright, Andy?
Alright, Shaun.
[they shake hands]
Lovely bit of muffin.
SShaun
[to muffin] Hello, you.
[Shaun bites into the muffin while it's still in Darren's hand]
Why's he eating like that?
Yeah, why are you eating it like that?
SShaun
Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.
You... you shook my hand when you came in.
SShaun
Well that's politeness innit?
He's just being polite.
[after being caught taking drugs in the toilets]
RCRonnie Corbett
[to Darren] It's your fault.
Why's it my fault?
RCRonnie Corbett
They saw your head over the cubicle door.
They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...
[security guard enters]
SGSecurity Guard
Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.
[Andy laughs]
...Is something funny?
Your joke, it was...
SGSecurity Guard
Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?
[Andy mumbles]
...Is this it? Or is there any more?
[Corbett pulls a bag from his pocket]
RCRonnie Corbett
Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.
SGSecurity Guard
Hand it over. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?
RCRonnie Corbett
Don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Was it Moira Stuart?
RCRonnie Corbett
I can't say.
SGSecurity Guard
We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.
RCRonnie Corbett
You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.
SGSecurity Guard
Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.
What? Me as well?
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, all of you.
Oh...
SGSecurity Guard
You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.
RCRonnie Corbett
What about the Welsh BAFTAs?
SGSecurity Guard
Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?
RCRonnie Corbett
Probably.
SGSecurity Guard
Expect a call.
[pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.
Yeah.
SGSecurity Guard
Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.
Makes sense.
SGSecurity Guard
Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?
"Makes sense".
I reckon I could've had him in a fight.
Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.
S2 E5Episode 5
IMIan McKellen
How do I act so well? ... What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.
Yeah.
IMIan McKellen
You're confused. It's perfectly simple.
No.
IMIan McKellen
Case in point, Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? [conspiratorially] The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.
[Andy walks into Darren's office; Darren is sitting at his desk]
Moron.
[Darren looks around]
You talking to me?
Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?
What play?
The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.
S2 E6Episode 6
[after Mother with sick son gets Andy to promise to visit him in hospital]
RLRobert Lindsay
Bit weird isn't it?
Bit presumptuous.
LLindsay
No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.
Have you ever driven a taxi for real?
RDRobert De Niro
...No.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Extras pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.