Andy Millman quotes from Extras

Darren

Calm down, [holds up muffin] muffin?

Andy

No.

Darren

Have a lovely bit of muffin.

Andy

I don't want any.

Darren

Do you mind if I have a little bit of muffin?

Andy

No.

Darren

Thank you, [into intercom] Bar?

[through intercom] Yo?

Darren

I'm having the muffin.

[through intercom] I'll come through.

Andy

Why is this an event?

Darren

It's exciting. [bites into muffin]

Alright, Andy?

Andy

Alright, Shaun.

Darren

Lovely bit of muffin.

[to muffin] Hello, you.

Andy

Why's he eating like that?

Darren

Yeah, why are you eating it like that?

Me hands, been cleaning out the toilets, got no gloves.

Andy

You... you shook my hand when you came in.

Well that's politeness innit?

Darren

He's just being polite.

[to Darren] It's your fault.

Darren

Why's it my fault?

They saw your head over the cubicle door.

Andy

They saw your head under the cubicle door, so...

Well, well, well, the Three Stooges.

Andy

Your joke, it was...

Shut up. Corbett it's always bloody Corbett. See, I expected it from him, but you,[to Andy] you're the new kid on the block. How'd you fall in with this crowd?

Just a bit of whizz, you know? To blow away the cob-webs.

Hand it over. Where'd you get it?

Don't remember.

Don't piss me about. Where'd you get it?

Don't remember.

Was it Moira Stuart?

I can't say.

We don't want you, just give us a name and you can walk free.

You don't get it, mate, do you? I don't remember.

Alright. Here's something you will remember, you're banned from BAFTA, you can never win a BAFTA now.

Andy

What? Me as well?

Yeah, all of you.

Andy

Oh...

You can never attend any of our varied events, you can't come to the film BAFTAs, you can't come to the TV BAFTAs, you can't even come to the children's BAFTAs.

What about the Welsh BAFTAs?

Would you attend the Welsh BAFTAs if you were asked?

Probably.

Expect a call.

Darren

[pointing at Andy] He'll come to the Welsh BAFTAs, if you want.

Andy

Yeah.

Yeah, we're after more, you know, respected comedians.

Darren

Makes sense.

Get out of my sight. That's all of you, yeah?

Andy

"Makes sense".

Darren

I reckon I could've had him in a fight.

Andy

Yeah? You f-f.. Idiot.

How do I act so well? ... What I do is I pretend to be the person I'm portraying in the film or play.

Andy

Yeah.

You're confused. It's perfectly simple.

Andy

No.

Case in point, Lord of the Rings, Peter Jackson comes from New Zealand, says to me, "Sir Ian, I want you to be Gandalf the wizard." And I say to him, "You are aware that I am not really a wizard..." And he said, "Yes, I’m aware of that. What I want you to do is to use your acting skills to portray the wizard for the duration of the film." So I said, "Okay." And then I said to myself, "Hmm, how would I do that?" And this is what I did: I imagined what it would be like to be a wizard, and then I pretended and acted in that way on the day... And how did I know what to say? [conspiratorially] The words were written down for me in a script. How did I know where to stand? People told me. If we were to draw a graph of my process, of my method, it would be something like this: Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian. Action. WIZARD! "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" Cut! Sir Ian, Sir Ian, Sir Ian.

Andy

Moron.

Darren

You talking to me?

Andy

Yes, I'm talking to you! Didn't you read the play?

Darren

What play?

Andy

The play I'm in, the play that you got me a part in. It's a gay play. I've got to play a gay, with another gay. Acting all gay. All through the play... it's so gay.

Bit weird isn't it?

Andy

Bit presumptuous.

No, I mean it's a bit weird she didn't ask me.

Maggie

Look, it's Greg in a film!

Andy

Oh, come on, we can't watch telly in the day.

Maggie

No, wait, I want to see! [the clip plays on, showing Greg dueling with Clive Owen] I love Clive Owen.

Andy

[scoffs] Clive. Good name for a film star. Clive...

Maggie

[as the clip ends and Jonathan Ross begins interviewing the actors] Greg seems good in it!

Andy

[shrugging] Bit part.

I'm joined by Clive Owen and Greg Lindley-Jones, the two leads in the film...

Maggie

He's one of the leads!

Andy

In a terrible film.

...I thought the film was brilliant...

Maggie

He thought it was brilliant!

Andy

Oh, I can hear!

Andy

I don't want to do camp, frothy nonsense. I want to do something classy!

Darren

Celebrity Big Brother have been on the phone.

Andy

You're not listening to me!

Darren

It's good money.

Andy

Not in a million years! What about films? What happened to films?

Darren

Okay, now this is interesting, we did have a call -- have you heard about this Byron film that everyone's raving about?

Andy

Yeah.

Darren

Right, well, they're making a sequel. Should be classy, should be good, it's about what it means to be a man, it's about honor, it's about integrity. They wanted you to go in and do an audition.

Andy

Right.

Darren

Obviously I said no, but I thought that was very positive --

Andy

What do you mean, you said no?

Darren

Well, they were asking for someone who's sort of thirty-six, handsome, dashing, and I presume they'd have to be taller than you, so I thought that --

Andy

Always do the audition!

Darren

But look at you, that's insane! I might as well send Barry! [Shaun/Barry laughs openly]

Andy

Call them back and say you've got the perfect person for the part.

Darren

Who?

Andy

Me!

Darren

No, it's really -- I don't want to waste their time.

Andy

Why am I trying to persuade my agent to get me an audition? It should be the other way round!

Darren

But if I send you, they'll think I don't know what I'm doing!

Andy

Ohhh, no one could ever think you don't know what you're doing, that you're a total waste of space and shouldn't even be in the industry.

Darren

Well, thanks, mate, but you'd be surprised. [Shaun nods]

[approaching the "queer bench" where Andy is sitting with Bunny; throwing away a joint and a kebab wrapper] Hello, Bunny.

Oh, hi, George.

[sitting down] Any action? [looks at his watch]: Only got twenty minutes, actually, I'm on my lunch break.

Andy

Lunch break?

Yeah, I'm doing community service.

Andy

Oh, are you still doing that?

Oh, not that one, no, I'm doing another one now. I'm picking up litter now.

Andy

Oh, right. What'd you do wrong this time?

Fly tipping, believe it or not. Yeah, I was helping Annie Lennox out with an old fridge-freezer, and she said, "Shall I call the council?" and I said, "No, don't bother with that, there's a skip at the end of my street." So at two-thirty in the morning, we're tipping it in there, and the fucking police show up.

Andy

How'd they get involved, then?

Well, it was Stewart Copeland's skip, and he called Sting, and Sting called the fucking council, 'cause he's a fucking do-gooder. And now me and Annie are picking up litter. [getting up] Well, I'd better get going, 'cause I'm gonna have to get back to work soon...

Come on, then, you. I'll give you a quickie.

Oi, I'm not that desperate.

Cheeky bastard!

Actually, will you do me a favor and watch out for paparazzi? I'm going to go and try over there.

Love to.

Yeah? Cheers.

Cheers. [to Andy, as Michael leaves] I've had him before, you know. In his car.

Andy

Wasn't that a bit cramped?

Mm. And he was swerving all over the bloody road.

Andy

Trey!

Excuse me!

[beckons Andy over] What are you doing?

Andy

What are you doing? You haven't been returning my calls!

Yeah, well, funnily enough, there's not been much my end since you told the BBC to piss off.

Andy

Oh, there's other channels, aren't there? You're meant to generate work for me, you're my agent!

Well, I can't magic things out of thin air. They either want you or they don't. Life's cruel. And to be honest with you, I've been up to my eyeballs with my other clients.

Guilty as charged.

Andy

Yeah... what about me?

All right, listen to me, Andy. I can't help you because I don't know what it is that you want. Every time you come into my office it's something different. One day it's all about not selling out, being an artist, next day you just want your face in the paper. What do you want? You want to be a world-famous movie star or do you want to be the tortured genius creating great art?

Look -- do you want fame and fortune, or do you want integrity and respect?

Andy

Both.

Right. Well, there are only a few people in the world who have both those things. And you will never be one of them. What do you want?

Andy

Rich and famous. And on the telly.

Right. Okay then. Will you do the stuff you keep turning down?

Andy

Yes.

Comedy panel shows?

Andy

Yup.

You know you'll have to make your carefully written jokes look ad-libbed.

Andy

Yes, I know how they work.

[to Trey] Emmerdale.

Oh, good, yeah. Well this is great! I'd much rather have a client who'll do anything to get on television than someone who goes, "Oh, I don't wanna do that" or "Oh, that's beneath me" -- oh, hold on. There is one other thing. Might have to pull some strings.

Andy

Pull 'em.