(sees Debra packing up cooking stuff) So what now, you're running away to cooking school?
S2 E15Marie's Meatballs
What I don't get is why you couldn't see my side of this? You're so busy defending your saint of a mother that you made me out to be some kind of ungrateful nutcase! Well who's the nutcase now Ray!? WHO'S THE NUTCASE NOW!?!?
Okay, the meatballs are not exactly like my mother's, but I am saying to you: We have a house...we have a car...our student loans are paid off. You should be able to sleep!
S2 E16The Checkbook
RRaymond
Do me a favor, huh? I've been payin' the bills for the last couple of weeks. I got this (hands a paper to Andy) from the electric company. Take a look at that. (Andy reads it)
They're turning off your service.
RRaymond
Yeah, why? I don't get it. I paid all this stuff six weeks ago.
Can I ask you something? Why are you handling the checkbook? Did Debra leave you?
RRaymond
She made such a big deal about paying the bills. I'm just trying to show her that it doesn't have to be that complicated.
Yeah, well, no electricity is less complicated. You're like the Amish now.
RRaymond
(handing Andy the checkbook and various other bills) Here, take a look at this stuff. I paid all these bills; there's no reason they should be sending me mean letters.
Well, here's why. Your check bounced.
RRaymond
What?
Wow! You bounced many checks here! You bounced 13 checks and were charged $300 in penalties! Excellent work!
RRaymond
What do you mean? I sent those checks myself!
Checks that didn't clear, Ray. You might as well have sent them little pieces of toilet paper.
RRaymond
(still not getting it) But I make more than enough money.
Well, mazel tov to you. (looking further) You're $3000 overdrawn here. You didn't even open your bank statement!
RRaymond
I trusted the bank!
(incredulous) You didn't reconcile your checkbook?
RRaymond
(barely keeping track) Huh?
(frustrated) You have to keep track, Ray! What did you do here? Why'd you pay so much on your Visa card?
RRaymond
I'm not gonna pay interest charges! You pay in full, no interest charges.
Yeah, that's smart. No money, either. Look at this. Debra had everything under control--
RRaymond
(sarcastic) Yeah, yeah, Debra, Debra, Debra! I'm sick of this money stuff! Just tell me what I have to do!
(handing the checkbook back to Raymond) First, you gotta take last month's ending balance, then you add the interest accrued on the account, then you add all the checks that we know have cleared-- (annoyed that Raymond isn't half-way paying attention) --Ray, what did I just say to you?
RRaymond
Accrued.
All right, Ray, you had your fun with Mommy's checkbook. Now it's time to give it back to her. (He reaches for the checkbook)
RRaymond
(defensive) No! I'm not giving it back to her, 'cause then she's gonna know I couldn't do this!
Well, she may get an inkling when they cut off your power and tow away your house.
RRaymond
Look, Andy, how bad can it be? It's only been six weeks.
That's what makes it so shocking.
Look, I've gone through your checkbook, and I've gone through your fake checkbook, and it's just not adding up.
RRaymond
Yeah, I know what that might be... (produces another checkbook)
(incredulous) A third checkbook?
RRaymond
Yeah, I...accidentally bounced a check in the fake one.
What check did you bounce?
RRaymond
I don't know which one, it might've been-- (the house lights go out) Yeah, that was it.
S2 E17The Ride-Along
Hello, Police Department.
(frantic) Robbie, how's Raymond. Is he all right.
Ma!
S2 E18The Family Bed
RRaymond
[gets kicked in the groin] Ooh!
What?! What's wrong? What happened?
RRaymond
You kicked me!
I did?
RRaymond
Oh...right in the garden of good and evil.
Honey, I'm sorry. What is--? [pulls the covers to reveal Ally in the bed] Oh. I think we found the kicker.
RRaymond
What is she doing in our bed again? It's every night. [still in pain] Good God, y'all.
Is there anything I can do?
RRaymond
You can learn to love half a man.
S2 E19Good Girls
So it was just the once and then you got married?
It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!
Oh, Frank! No!
S2 E20T-Ball
Oh, where are you throwing that ball?! Come on! Have an idea out there!
Dad. Others.
S2 E21Traffic School
How was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?
I teach traffic school, Ma.
Since When?
Since today. Lots of cops do it, y'know. Chance to earn a little spending money.
How about spending a little on rent?
S2 E22Six Feet Under
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, my wife thinks I'm in the bathroom.
S2 E23The Garage Sale
Dad wants me to keep an eye on that one in sporting goods.
Do you really think Mrs. Scarpulla is going to steal cross country skis?
Not on my watch.
RRaymond
Nobody's gonna pay 20 dollars for a used thermos.
They will if it was used by the pope! Hey you, are you catholic, you like hot soup?!
S3 E1The Invasion
So everybody has to do what Raymond wants, right? New sheets for Raymond! Brownies for Raymond! Can't sleep naked around Raymond!
S3 E2Driving Frank
You hit my patrol car!
I'm your father! I don't care if I killed a guy; you're supposed to look the other way!
RRaymond
Dad, whatever you do, I wanna look the other way.
I can't look the other way anymore! You drive like a maniac!
Frank, how did you hit Robert's patrol car?
My partner comes to pick me up, and Dad backs out of the driveway without looking!
That car shouldn't have been there!
On the street?
(pleading) Just lie! Say you never saw the guy!
I can't do that, Dad!
Why not?
Because I have a moral obligation as a police officer, and I almost got caught lying for you the last time! Now let me see your license!
Sorry, Sally, I'm fightin' this!
There is black and white on the side of your car!
(yelling) I HIT A PENGUIN!
(yelling himself) I'M WRITING THE TICKET! (sits down at the kitchen table and begins furiously scribbling in his ticket book)
FINE! THAT'S "BARONE!" B-A-R-O-N-E, AS IN "THE MAN FROM WHOSE LOINS YOU SPRUNG!"
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Loves Raymond pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.