A character in Everybody Loves Raymond
Played by Doris Roberts
Everybody Loves Raymond · 126 quotes
4th most-quoted character in Everybody Loves Raymond: in 27 of its 126 quotes
Most scenes with: Frank Barone (16), Debra Barone (11), Ray Barone (10)
Marie...and E-G-B-D-F are the ones with the line running through it. {sic} You know that. What's E-G-B-D-F?
Ellen Garvey's Behind Deserves Framing.
MarieI don't like that Raymond. It's Every Girl Bakes Delicious Fudge.
...or Eric Gunzel Boinked -
MarieOh Raymond!
That's - that's how I remember it. You've got the fudge way.
MarieThat was a wonderful brunch, you two. Lovely.
Ma.
MarieIt was a little much.
We just thought that you would enjoy a nice anniversary brunch.
MarieWe don't enjoy things, dear.
Guess why.
Alright, come on. We were supposed to be celebrating today, right?
MarieThis marriage is nothing to celebrate.
But 40 years. That's a big milestone. Think of all the good times.
I had one good year.
There you go.
The year I left your mother.
What?
MarieFrank! The children!
What's the big secret? We split up for a year. I came back, didn't I?
Wait a minute what are you talking about?
MarieWe almost got divorced.
[In disbelief] What?
There's a sad word. Almost.
MarieI suppose it can't hurt to tell you now. We seperated for a year. It was a terrible time.
Seperated? When? When was this?
MarieIt's not important dear. I have to go to the bathroom.
Well I wanna know [remembering the surprise party in the living room] No, wait wait WAIT!
Hello, Police Department.
Marie(frantic) Robbie, how's Raymond. Is he all right.
Ma!
So it was just the once and then you got married?
It was just the once and then we HAD to get married!
MarieOh, Frank! No!
MarieHow was your class today, dear? Did the children listen to you?
I teach traffic school, Ma.
Since When?
Since today. Lots of cops do it, y'know. Chance to earn a little spending money.
How about spending a little on rent?
Ray, I am going to give you the secret to marital bliss.
MarieAfter you give it to him, why don't you let me in on it?
You see, son, when your mother got pregnant with Robert, the hormones turned her into a nut case. She'd cry for no reason. Two seconds later, she'd want to cuddle! She was, like, demented!
MarieThat's not true!
You were always grabbin' at me!
MarieI was pregnant with a 14-pound baby! I needed help getting up!
Nonetheless, did it bother me? No! Because you cannot get upset with a crazy person! I decided from that day on never to waste time trying to understand your mother. I just accept that she's insane!
We happen to have an opportunity here for some real personal growth through active dialogue. (Frank begins to snore. Annoyed) Stop it, Dad! Now, the two of you have to come out and say what's really bothering you and get it out in the open and deal with it, 'cause if there's one thing I've learned in my many years of experience with domestic disputes, it is this: It's never just about the can opener.
Yeah. Sometimes it's about a jar of fat.
Marie(obviously Frank's hit a nerve) How could you mention that?
I'll mention it. You went nuts over nothin'.
MarieI had every right to go nuts with you as a husband!
Don't go nuts. Just go.
(curious) Wait, wait , wait...What jar of fat? (Ray and Robert groan)
MarieI'll tell you what jar of fat. It was beautiful. It was fat from pancetta and golden-brown sausage. (aside) You'd have to be a cook to understand. But it was months of selecting only the best drippings to prepare meals for Il Duce.
Yeah, you made all those meals just for me, and then you went out jogging!
MarieThat was my kitchen! You had no right to go in there and throw out my fat!
That jar was for my coins! I needed that!
Marie(yelling) You're selfish!
(yelling back) Fat collector!
MarieOh, you never appreciated me, ever! You never ever appreciated me! I would work my fingers to the bone all day with the kids, with the cooking and the cleaning and the laundry, and then you'd waltz in with your list of demands and not even a thank-you!
That's right!
MarieDebra understands.
You wanted a thank-you? Where was my thank you? I waltzed in, huh? (shouting) I dragged my ass home every day after ten hours, stuck in a suit, stuck in an office, stuck in a car, AND IF I NEEDED COINS TO PAY THE TOLLS THAT GOT ME TO THAT JOB, THAT PAID FOR THAT MEAT, THAT MADE THAT FAT, THEN I'LL DUMP IT OUT WHENEVER I WANT AND I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!
MarieThat's right, you don't care! You have never cared about how hard I work just to serve you!
Hey, I don't have to care; that's your job. (Instant silence. Even Frank realizes that that might not have been the right thing to say. Robert tries to take a swig from the Pepto-Bismol bottle, only to find it's empty, so then he looks into it, then he sticks his pinky into the mouth of the bottle to try and get whatever's in there. He then takes it out and sucks on it desperately.)
[fixing the stairs] Stupid, humped-up termite trap! [the stairwell collapses, taking him with it] AAH!
MarieOh my God! Frank! Are you all right?
...Holy crap!
MarieDon't move! I'm coming right down!
I'm in enough pain!
Did he just say he's going to Las Vegas?
Nevada!
(walks to kitchen door) Robert, ROBERT!
Yeah???
Do you have a moment?
Ray (To Debra): Can you believe this?
Robert walks into the kitchen
Hey, what's up bro?
Well, Bro, word has it you're going to Vegas.
Yup. I'm hopping on the big silver bird at 8:45 tomorrow. By 1:45, The Emperors Buffet at Caesar's Palace! Shrimp, Tacos, Waffles, and Turkey Legs!
And hey, while you're in Vegas, you can pick up Ray's "Sucker of the Year" award.
Wait a minute, Robert, are you sure you can afford to go to Las Vegas?
Well I can now, thanks to you (Pinches Debra on the cheek)
But you were eating Baloney Pie!
MarieDebra, why would you make that for him?
We thought you would use that $1,000 to, I dont know, keep yourself alive!
What do you mean?
What do I mean? What about all of your problems and your bills?
You see I thought about that but those things will always. When else will I have an extra $1,000 to go to Vegas?
That wasn't an extra $1,000.
Robert, can I say something? Going to Las Vegas seems a bit extravagant for someone in your position.
Well my position is extremely stressed and needing a vacation.
MarieWell if you need a vacation Robbie, you wanna know where I always wanted to go? Hershey, Pennsylvania. We could watch them make chocolate!
Yeah, you're gonna watch.
(Amy comes into the kitchen in a panic)
(hysterical, to Robert) What did you do?
(not understanding what's going on) What do you mean?
What did you do? The invitations! (She hands Robert one of the offending invitations) My Aunt Lynn got this in the mail! What did you do?"
(panicking himself) Oh, my God! This was in the mail?!
What did you do?!
Nothing. Nothing. This wasn't supposed to go out.
(taking the invitation from Robert) Wait a minute, what's the problem? (She finds it, and is equally aghast.) Oh, my God!
I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because I heard someone screaming, and then I realized it was me!!!
The wedding planner lady was supposed to print it out and you were supposed to look it over--
She said you said "send it out"!
No, I said print it out!
Well, she sent it out!
(truly hysterical) OH, MY GOD!!! (Marie comes in, holding an invitation)
Marie(hysterical) AMY!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
(matching their hysteria) I KNOW!!! OH, MY GOD!!!
MarieWhat happened to it? (Amy points accusingly at Robert)
Robert! Robert happened to it!
(feebly) It wasn't supposed to go out! (Amy goes over and thrusts the invitation at Robert.)
Look at this! Hank N' Pat? N' Pat? They're not hillbillies, Robert! Hank 'N Pat McDougal request the honor of your "presents"--
Robert, you spelled "presence" like gifts!
(quietly) It wasn't supposed to go out!
You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth, not the sixth! People are going to be showing up three days early!
And what is this: Attire optional?!
It's black tie optional! Attire optional means "maybe naked!" (The horror of it just never ends...) There's going to be nude people! At the church! On a Wednesday!!
(quietly strained) It wasn't supposed to go out!
Marie BaroneHop on one foot.
starts hopping
MarieWhat's your address?
320 Fowler
MarieWhat town?
Linbrook
MarieWhat's my birthday?
(pause) Ahhhh, uhhhhh
Marie(starts crying) Oh My God!
No, ahh, December 9th!
1802!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Loves Raymond pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
