At 15, I was sick of bein' a nerd. When you're a nerd, people you want to pay attention to you ignore you, and the people you wish would ignore you, pay attention. And I was done with it.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
From now on, I was gonna be cool. Cool guys got everything: girls, cars, girls, money, girls.
VVito
We're gonna get the guys who ratted on me. We'd do it tomorrow but I need one day to get the guns. And you're gonna be the lookout. You cool with that, Juicy Fruit?
MAMA!!!!!
How am I gonna get a girl from this school to go with me?
Just ask somebody.
I did. I asked Lisa, Sydney, Darlene and they all said no.
I even asked Ms. Morello.
Chris, I'm really flattered, but no.
Where's Mary Kay Letourneau when you need her?
My Uncle Ryan was Drew's favorite uncle because he was a dreamer, and his dream was to open a successful business. He had some bad ideas.
RRyan
Fried bread crust.
Fried bread crust?
RRyan
Some people like the inside of the bread. This is for people that like the outside.
This is for people who like bypass surgery.
[eating a bread crust] How much you need?
And a couple of good ideas.
RRyan
They got 31 flavors of ice cream, I got 31 flavors of chocolate milk. Swiss chocolate, cinnamon chocolate, raspberry chocolate, maple chocolate, peanut butter chocolate. You gotta get in on this.
Well, what flavor is this?
RRyan
This is milk chocolate.
Milk chocolate chocolate milk?
Official drink of diabetes.
When it came to dances, there were two kinds: the white kind and the black kind.
Why would I go to that dance, anyway? It's just a bunch of people who hate me, hating me in a room while dancing.
We could film it and call it Dancing with the Bigots.
Voltron hadn't taken a shower in years.
On Mother's Day, all I could do was hope my mom didn't know the difference between Pure Voodoo and Pure Voo-don't.
Hey, check out what I made for my mom for Mother's Day: macaroni pajamas.
Don't you think you're a little bit too old to be making macaroni presents?
When Greg got engaged, he gave his fiancée a piece of rigatoni.
The problem with going to department stores is every time a black person enters, they get followed. It didn't matter if you were a baby wearing diapers or a senior citizen wearing diapers... or even one of their own.
WSWhite Security Guard
He's on the move.
BSBlack Security Guard
What do you mean, "I'm on the move?" I work here!
WSWhite Security Guard
Sorry. Force of habit.
You'd think it'd be Christmas, and it might have been if Jesus cleaned our house and cooked our meals.
[Jesus appears to serve the family meatloaf]
That smells good.
JJesus
Who wants meatloaf?
Hey Dad, what you gettin' Mom for Mother's Day?
Me? Why should I get anything? It's Mother's Day, not Wife's Day.
[Rochelle says that the kids always give her great Mother's Day gifts]
No we don't! We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni
My macaronni oven mitts were not stupid!
You're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaronni hotcon.
Shut up!
Or your macaronni macaronni bowl.
ATAdult Tonya
[narrating] Hey, you shut up, too.
Get outta my voice-over booth, woman! Save that for the show, "Everybody Hates Tonya"!
ATAdult Tonya
[narrating] Whatever.
I wanted to give my mother something nice because all I could think of was how much she sacrificed. She sacrificed at home.
OK, who wants pizza? [the rest of her family each grabs a slice]
And she sacrificed on the street.
[it is cold outside]
Thanks for your coat, Momma.
That's OK, baby. I like the cold.
PCPerfume Clerk
The perfume contains up to 20% more aromatic compounds than the eau de toilette, and is classified by the olfactive family, though it does not exist as a true, singular aromatic material, whereas the eau de toilette contains up to five to ten...
You can see the rest of this 20-minute speech over at PerfumeNut.net.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.