Everybody Hates Chris · Season 1
It took me years to find out in order to get a women to do something you gotta tell them the opposite!
(Flashback to Rochelle serving Julius dinner)
Here's your chicken!
(Rochelle throws Julius' food on the table)
And you better not get me dessert!
I get you what I want!
From the time he was a kid to the time he was an adult, my father loved to find money.
Mom! Mom! Mom! I found a quarter! I love you, quarter... I'm gonna keep you and name you Bernard!
[flashback: woman giving birth]
It's a boy!
I found a dollar!
That's not even my mother!
[about the generic cereal] Is there a prize inside?
The prize is you won't starve to death. Ring it up.
Instead of Oreo's, Ginger Snaps or Chips Ahoy, we got...
Cookie?
That's right, cookie. Not cookies, cookie. A big bag with one cookie in it.
My dad liked game shows.
C'mon, sista. You can do it.
And he always rooted for the black people. If there were no black people on it, then he'd root for anybody with a tan.
What's the next item up for bids, please? A new dishwasher!
$430.
I want the first bid from Bennette.
$400.
That's good, that's good. That's right, you're right.
$625.
Ooh. You're a fool if you pay that much.
$580.
What's a man doin' there at 11 o'clock in the mornin'? He ain't got no job?
My father was like Rain Man when it came to guessin' how much somethin' cost.
How did you know that? We don't even own a dishwasher.
That's 'cause it costs $430.
So who put this pot on the stove?
Wasn't me.
Because of those two words, Drew never got in trouble.
[Cutaway]
Who tore up my back seat?
Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Who left my nickel layin' out here on the sidewalk?
Wasn't me.
[Cutaway]
Who spilt this oatmeal?
Wasn't me.
Would you believe those were his first words? [Young Chris drops his spoon in shock]
Rochelle:: Look, I don't care where you are but you be like E.T. Phone home!
[Tonya agrees with her]
I need to know where you are, who are you with and what you're doing. How do I know that you're not out there selling drugs? You could be the kingpin of a Columbian drug Cartel for all I know!
I'm not out there selling drugs.
How do I know that?
My mother had one golden life for her kids. Don't sell drugs! As long as everybody else is doing that, everyone else is okay!
[Cutaway]
Mam, your son shot the Mayor.
Did he sell drugs?
No Mam!
Get in there, boy!
[Chris walks into the house]]
[Rochelle opens the door to see the 2nd police officer grabbing Chris by the arms]
Mam, your son shot the Governor, kidnap his daughter, rob the President and ran a red light.
He ain't selling no drugs did he?
No mam!
Boy, get in there!
[Police officers drop Chris, with a look on his face walks in as Rochelle smacked him in the head and slams the door]
I know there's no such thing as Santa Claus.
When my mother heard Tonya say those words, it was like she wasn't her baby anymore.
[Rochelle imagines Tonya aggressively confronting her years later as a teenager]
So, what else did you lie to me about? Are you really gonna kick me out if I get pregnant? Is it true you ain't takin' care of no baby? Can I really not bring a white boy home? Does the Foreman Grill really knock out the fat? Can I really get a loan with no money down? Are you my real mother? Momma, I want answers!
If you had a Walkman, you could even listen to bad music, and no one would know . . . unless you were dumb enough to sing along.
In the game of Dare, there are no rules, there are no regulations, and the game doesn't end 'til somebody's dead.
[to Julius] I was hoping you could give me an allowance?
[Everyone suddenly looks at him in shock, especially Julius]
I know it sounded like an innocent enough question, but here's what he he heard:
[Cutaway]
Since you work like a slave all day, and don't have any time to enjoy your own money, can I have it? [Draws same response as before]
...
I'm not givin' you money for walkin' around doin' nothin'. An allowance? I allow you to sleep here at night. I allow you to eat them potatoes. I allow you to use my lights. I allow you to drink my Kool-Aid. I allow you to nibble on them green beans. I allow you to look at that TV. I allow you to run up my gas bill. I allow you to walk up my stairs. I allow you to ask me these ridiculous-ass questions. Why should I give you an allowance when I already paid for everything you do? Who you know that gets an allowance? Huh?
What's going on?
He stole my shoes!
That's my sweater.
That's my shirt.
Those are my pants.
How the hell did he get home with no pants?!
You better find something to wear, you can't take a picture in your underwear.
I don't think anybody ever told Prince that.
Daddy, this is Ronald, my fiancé.
Nice to meet you, sir. [Julius shoots him]
Momma, Daddy shot my fiancé again!
Hey, say what you want, but that's effective birth control.
Valentine's Day makes most people think of flowers and candy, but it reminded me of the gangland massacre in Chicago.
Momma, can we have our candy back?
No. I ate it. Don't need you all getting any more cavities which you all got. No cavities in this house.
But at this rate, there'll be plenty of diabetes.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
