Julius, I need to know the truth.
[Cutaway to Julius paroding Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men]
You can't handle the truth!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.
I got a question for you, boy. What is today?
Uh, Wednesday?
Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.
Malvo was an idiot savant—98% idiot, 2% savant.
If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.
HTHarriet Tubman
Is you runnin' to the north?
No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.
HTHarriet Tubman
Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!
[about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.
Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?
That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.
Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?
Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.
For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.
Turns out he had a whole other family.
That's all my mother needed to hear.
[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]
Hey baby.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
Hey baby.
PRPuerto Rican Boy #1
Hello Father.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
How was work today?
Good.
PRPuerto Rican Boy #2
May I be excused?
No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.
PRPuerto Rican Woman
Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.
Oh. That's good, that's good.
Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!
You owe Malvo a gold chain.
Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.
When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.
[to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!
Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to Italian-on-Italian crime.
[Julius comes to help Chris, who is confronted by Malvo]
So I'm supposed to be afraid because you brought your daddy out here?
No, you s'posed to be scared because if you ever put yo hands on my son again, you ain't goin' to jail. [Holds up metal baseball bat] I'm goin' to jail.
[Eyeing bat] Whatchoo gonna do?
You find out what I'm gonna do. You think I'm playin'? When you in the shower, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo exiting the shower, turning and noticing Julius standing there with the bat]
You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Malvo, Chris and Julius]
When you watchin' TV, I'll be there.
[Cuts to Malvo watching TV. On the TV, Julius, driving a truck, holds up the bat]
You think I'm playin'?
[Cuts to Julius, Chris and Malvo]
Even in yo dreams, I'm gonna be there.
[Cuts to Malvo in a courthouse]
JJudge
Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. [Malvo dances in joy] Case dismissed. [Bangs gavel]
[Turns and points to someone off screen] Yeah, what'd I tell you dude?! [Turns and sees Julius holding the bat] Hey!
You think I'm playin'?
Yeah...that's alright.
It's gon' BE alright!
You're lucky i don't know my daddy!
W1Woman #1
My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!
W2Woman #2
My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.
And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]
PPam
You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.
I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?
Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Everybody Hates Chris pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.