Everybody Hates Chris quotes

[on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...

Chris

"Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"

[on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Narrator

Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.

Greg

I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.

Narrator

Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."

Mrs. Milone

Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.

Narrator

Number 1 had hit the fan.

How come you don't like me?

Drew

I don't know. I just don't.

It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?

Drew

No.

Do you think I'm dumb?

Drew

No.

Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.

Drew

You're too tall.

Narrator

Never stopped Danny DeVito.

Narrator

What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.

[on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"

Narrator

I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.

[on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"

Narrator

And it wasn't the last.

[on record player] She said, "Christmas..."

Narrator

A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.

Maxine

Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.

Narrator

If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.

Rochelle

If you could add and subtract, you could do this!

Narrator

My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.

Rochelle

If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

Rochelle

Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.

Rochelle

If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

Rochelle

Baby, you forgot your parachute!

Chris

What difference does it make?

Rochelle

What difference does it make?

Narrator

Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Narrator

Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.

Maxine

Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.

Narrator

Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

Narrator

When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...

Mrs. Milone

This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.

Narrator

And being really bad.

Mrs. Milone

I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.

Rochelle

Chris, what kinda answer is that?

Narrator

The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.

All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

Narrator

And I'm gonna get sliced.

Narrator

When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.

Rochelle

Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!