And I am gonna kick back and relax like all good rock stars should. [Megan gives him her math homework] What's this?
My math homework. This week's fractions. Have fun.
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[walks up to Josh] Hey, do you work for me?
No.
Where did you get that vest?
Oh, uh, well, my cup holder was a little wobbly, so I told this guy who then called me a punkhole and then he kind of quit.
You made Crazy Steve quit?
You hired a guy named Crazy Steve?
Had to. Long story. Not pretty. I've been trying to fire him for 2 months, but he's just so-
Crazy?
Mm-hmm. Let me, ask you something. Do you have a job?
No.
Are you, alright in the head?
I think so.
Congratulations. You're hired.
What?!
Get to work! [walks away]
[after Drake sold movie tickets to Megan and her friends]
[appears] Uh, Drake? [Drake walks up to Helen] Did you just sell those little girls tickets to a PG-13 movie?
Busted.
Uh, yes I did Helen and- And I'll tell you why.
Why?
Well, I'm not gonna lie to you. Those four kids? They're Norwegian.
What?!
It means they're from Norway!
Thank you. Now, as I'm sure you know, Norway is on the metric system.
Of course.
So to a Norwegian, PG-13 is actually PG-9.
Yeah, I know. Metrics.
So I didn't want to start an international incident.
Smart. Heads up move. I like your style, Drake. In fact, how would you like to be promoted to assistant manager?
Huh?
Alright.
Good. Just pick up your gold vest in my office. [leaves]
Assistant manager. Hey, this means I'm your boss. [walks up to Josh]
[yells] EVIL!
[Josh arrives at his and Drake's room after getting beat up from football tryouts]
You look terrible.
Thanks.
And you have 5 new e-mails. [leaves Drake and Josh's room]
Wait, how does she know how many e-mails?
Forget about that. What happened to you?
Football happened to me. First, I got tackled, then I got trampled, and I'm pretty sure someone bit my ankle!
Alright, so you didn't make the team. We'll just find another way to make you cool.
Oh, I made the team.
You did?
Yeah! Check it out!
No way, that's so cool.
Yeah, it is. My brother, you are looking at Belleview High's football team brand-new... [holds up a jersey] E-quipment manager! [pause] E-quipment manager!
Josh, being the equipment manager isn't cool.
But I'm on the team.
No, you work for the team, which is uncool!
Well, if I'm so uncool, explain WHY I HAVE THIS! [puts his bag of dirty laundry on the table]
A bag of dirty laundry?
The dirty laundry of football players!
Oh Josh, at this point I think you're better off going back to your magic tricks.
No way, the team needs me. I have lots of responsibilities. I mean who do you think takes care of the costumes?
Uniforms, Josh. Uniforms.
Whatever, I think being equipment manager is cool. I get to be on the team and nobody snaps on my ankles! [picks up his dirty bag of laundry] Excuse me, I have costumes to wash. [his laundry bag opens by itself] Oh, that's ripe. [walks away]
[Josh is in the kitchen making brownies for the football team]
Hey, Josh.
What's up, Megs?
Ooh, making brownies? Can I lick the spoon?
Uh-uh! There will be no spoon licking in my kitchen!
You know what, Josh, I have dreams and sometimes in those dreams things happen to you.
[after Megan leaves, Josh decides to take a break from baking his brownies as he turns around, he places the baking bowl on the counter, licks the spoon that has his baking, and puts it in the sink]
[comes in the kitchen] What are you doing?
Making brownies for the football team.
Oh, that's cool, Josh. [sarcastically] Maybe afterwards, you can knit them some pretty sweaters. [walks over to Josh]
[Megan pops her head up from the living room and hears Drake and Josh talk to each other as she pulls the flowers out of the flower vase]
[voiceover] Not just any brownies. You know how mom makes the double chocolate ones?
[voiceover] Yeah?
Well, I multiplied the recipe by 3. That's triple the double chocolate.
[Megan begins putting flower dirt on Josh's brownies from the flower vase and mixes the brownie mix and the flower dirt together to prank Josh's football team as she hears Drake and Josh talking to each other]
[voiceover] Does it triple the double uncoolness.
[voiceover] Well, I think we know someone who's not getting one right out of the oven.
[Megan walks away after putting flower dirt in Josh's baking bowl]
[at school, Drake comes in the locker room while Josh is pumping up footballs]
Hey, Mr. E-quipment manager. Trevor's waiting in his car,You want a ride home or not?
In a minute, I just need to finish pumping up these footballs and-
CDCoach Davis
[angrily] NICHOLS!
Yeah, Coach Davis? What-ca need me to do?
CDCoach Davis
What did you do?
What? What are you talking about?
CDCoach Davis
Your brownies! Look what they did!
[the football players come in sick after eating Josh's brownies with flower dirt thanks to Megan]
Did you do something to my brownies?
Oh, yeah, Josh, I live to sabotage baked goods.
FPFootball Player
Coach, you better check on Witherspoon, he's really bad!
CDCoach Davis
Witherspoon, you alright?
How many brownies did you eat?
WWitherspoon
17. [gags] Ooh, and I think your about to see them again.
CDCoach Davis
Alright, someone get this boy a bucket!
Aw, I just cleaned the buckets!
CDCoach Davis
Alright, that's it. No game tomorrow night. We're gonna have to forfeit!
[the football players gasp in shock]
Aw, come on, Coach Davis, we can't forfeit!
CDCoach Davis
Would you look at Witherspoon?! Ain't no way he's playin' tomorrow night! And I got no one else to play center!
Josh will play center!
Josh who?!
Josh you! You'll be great and cool!
And dead! Lincoln is the toughest team in the state. They're animals! ANIMALS!
CDCoach Davis
Will you quit whining, Nichols? Your vomit brownies got us into this, and you're playing center tomorrow night!
Yes!
No! [Witherspoon vomits on Josh's feet] Awww!
[Opening comments: Drake hates how his parents want him and Josh to spend time together, but Josh loves it so when he asks Drake if he wanted to take a cooking class together, Drake tries to convince Josh that he moved to Australia]
I'm so excited.
I'm so annoyed.
My dad told me and Drake that since were stepbrothers now, we should start trying to hang out together more.
My mom's trying to get me to hang out more, with Josh.
I'm really psyched about it.
Kill me.
Maybe Drake and I can do magic tricks together.
Please kill me.
And Drake's just gotta find stuff that's fun for both of us to do.
Maybe I can move to Australia, they have big shrimp there.
Maybe we can take a cooking class. One sec. [shouting] Hey Drake! You want to take a cooking class together?
[in a high-pitched voice] Sorry! Drake moved to Australia.
That's not even an Australian accent.
[in a high-pitched voice] Yes, is it. Fromage!
That's French!
I think we should go easy on these guys.
How come?
It's Eric.
What's up?
His mom, is in the hospital.
Oh, God. What happened?
It's her tongue. It's like 10 times bigger than a normal tongue. Yeah, and for 15 days she couldn't say what was wrong, everyone in the hospital was worried. She was like- [pretending to be unable to talk, starts making funny sounds and spitting] Yeah, very sad.
Oh, well. I'll do it. For Eric's mom.
Thank you, Josh. Your heart is bigger than her tongue.
I thought you said you were sorry.
I am sorry.
I thought you meant you were sorry you gambled and you weren't gonna do it anymore.
No, I meant I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was gambling, and I definitely wanna do it some more.
[Josh paces in the janitor's closet then Drake opens the closet door and hits Josh on his bottom]
Ow! Thank you for the butt bruise!
Are you ready? You know what to do, right?
Yeah. Cheat.
I told you, its not cheating.
Beg to differ.
Look, are you going to help me or not? I mean, I helped you when you got your foot caught in the toilet.
No, you didn't. You laughed and took digital pictures.
Come on, Josh. Please?
AAnnouncer
[from the other room] Everyone, take your seats. The Academic Bowl is about to begin.
Well?
Fine. But let's just get this over with. This whole thing makes me feel so dirty.
Yeah, so take a bath when you get home. Give me the ear piece. [Josh gives Drake his microphone ear piece] Thanks brother.
You better love me for this! [Drake kisses Josh on his cheek] Not that kind of love! [Josh sprays his cheek in disgust]
What are you doing?!
What do you think I'm doing? Helping you cheat.
Well, you're not doing a very good job.
Oh its my fault mega burger's having a sale on curly fries?! I can't control radio interference!
Well why didn't you pull up your antenna?
Yeah, I'll pull YOUR antenna!
Listen to me.
No, you listen to me! I quit! I'm outta here! GOODBYE! [leaves the janitor's closet]
Fine! Next time you get your foot stuck in the toilet, I'm flushing!
[at the end, Drake and Josh apologize to each other]
DJDrake and Josh
Drake/Josh, I'm really sorry.
No, no. I went kind of crazy back there.
You had every right to go crazy, man. I never should have made you cheat for me.
Ok. It was your fault. But I accept your apology. Kiwi?
Up high. You know what? Since you are such an awesome brother, I'm gonna help you get back at Megan.
Serious?
Totally. When she least expects it, we're gonna strike.
Cool! Thanks. Hey, you want to go play some GameSphere?
Sure!
[they get up but they realize that they got themselves glued to chairs by Megan]
MEGAN!
MEGAN!
[comes up to Drake] Drake Parker.
Hey, Helen. Looking prettier than ever.
Oh, you beast. Did you offer him some free candy?
No. You said we weren't allowed-
Stop aggravating me and give this cute boy some free candy.
Thank you. [Josh hands the candy to him] So, what's been up, Helen?
Oh, there is something big happening here this weekend.
What?
Sorry, I can't tell you. You know, it's top-secret hush-hush business. Got to keep it on the down low. We are having a real Hollywood premiere. Right here in this theater!
A Hollywood premiere?
For what movie?
I told you it was a secret! It's for that new Ashley Blake movie.
Ashley Blake? I love that girl. She's gonna be here?
Uh-huh. For the premiere. And for a big photo shoot tomorrow afternoon.
Cool.
Cool? This is amazing. I can't believe I'm going to meet a real movie star! Pinch me!
I'm not pinching any part of you.
Helen, can I please help out with the Premiere? Please?
I don't care.
Awesome.
But listen. This is the biggest thing to happen to me in my life since I played putt-putt with Dionne Warwick! So if you mess this up, I will thump you like a melon. You follow me?
Yes, ma'am. Like a melon.
[leaves] Bye, Drake.
I get to meet Ashley Blake. How cool is that? [grabs gumballs out of the jar and puts it in his mouth]
[shows up and confronts Josh] And no free candy!
Yeah.
[Josh spits out the gumballs out of his mouth and puts it back in the jar much to his disgust]
Look who's gonna be at this after-party, Ashton Kutcher, Adam Sandler, Ethan LaRoche...
Who's Ethan LaRoche?
I don't know, but he's gonna be there!
[later]
Hey, Drake! I just got an autograph from Ethan LaRoche!
Who's that?
I don't know!
WWoman
Ashley, how did it feel to play an 11-year-old president?
DJDrake and Josh
Ah, um.
[Drake takes Ashley's head and simulates like she is whispering to him]
Uh, she says it was challenging, but rewarding.
RReporters
Ow!
MMan
My question for the gentlemen who answered for her.
Yes?
MMan
Why are you answering for her?
She has laryngitis!
She lost her voice singing to-
-the elderly!
So, that's why the press conference is over!
[Drake and Josh drop Ashley and run out of there]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Drake & Josh pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.