Dr. Martin Ellingham quotes from Doc Martin

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Finding the stray dog sitting outside the surgery) I thought you were going to...

PC Mark Mylow

I know. He got out. Had a good lawyer.

Elaine Denham

Are you gonna pay me for this week or what?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What.

Elaine Denham

I'm sorry. But I cannot tolerate imbeciles.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, when we agreed you'd start at 8.30 you did understand I meant a.m.?

Elaine Denham

Buying biscuits at the supermarket, right, and this bimbo won't let me through on six items or less. All baps up to here and stick-on nails she was. Get this - (Imitates the check-out girl) "Sorry. Six items or less".

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And you had?

Elaine Denham

20, but all the same, do you see.

Am I your first official patient?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Indeed you are . Collect a thousand loyalty points you get a free coffin.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Elaine, you do check prescriptions before printing them, don't you?

Elaine Denham

Yeah.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Right, well, we seem to have a woman with erectile dysfunction here.

Elaine Denham

I can't be expected to work your system.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

That would be the system whereby we don't kill the patients by prescribing the wrong medication, would it? It's your job.

Elaine Denham

No. It is your job to check before you sign.

Elaine Denham

Message.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Reads the message) "Roy or Steven?"

Elaine Denham

Boy of seven. Dr Sim could read my writing.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

So there's a sick child *somewhere*, but you didn't get the telephone number, let alone the boy's name? oh well I suppose we could always get his name from the obituary couldn't we.

Elaine Denham

Right... well... look...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

No. You look, Elaine. For a new job.

Elaine Denham

What? Just because...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Because you are the most incompetent person I have ever had the misfortune to encounter and that incompetence may very well end up costing someone their life. You're fired.

I'm Bruce. Elaine's dad. Just thought I'd stop by and say hello.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Hello.

Is Elaine in? She does work here, doesn't she?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Not for much longer, I just fired her.

Louisa Glasson

So is this another patient you've chased away from your surgery?

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What? Oh your friend Roger Fenn? God, that was quick.

Louisa Glasson

Roger? I haven't seen him in ages. He was forced to take early retirement. He thinks I took his job... well, I did take his job. It wasn't him so it must've been one of the other 30 patients you unceremoniously dispatched.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

For the record, I did not dispatch any patients. I dispatched people who seem to think "surgery" is another word for "café".

Louisa Glasson

Being the doctor here is more than just handing out pills.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Yeah, it's handing out biscuits as well.

Louisa Glasson

This is Miss Glasson from the school, Mrs Richards. I'm just checking on Bobby. Oh, dear, well, I'm sure the doctor will, he's...

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(Grabs phone from Louisa) Mrs Richards? Dr Ellingham here. Is his temperature still elevated? Right, I'm on my way, what's the address? Yep. Yep. I'll be with you in 15 minutes.

Louisa Glasson

Half an hour.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

30 minutes. Goodbye.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Do you know where the...

Louisa Glasson

Map.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Thanks.

You sacked Elaine Denham?

For no good reason.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

(To Nikki) Shouldn't you be giggling outside my house?

They say Elaine's a good girl.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

I'm sure they do.

Maybe in London you can mess people around like that.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Yes, as often as we can.

Joan Norton

You sacked a perfectly good receptionist.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Perfectly good? She made appointments before I was even open. She printed out prescriptions so inaccurate as to be potentially lethal. I had to go to the school to track down a child because she couldn't be relied upon to take down a phone number.

It's empty.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

And what did he put just in his tank? Horse-urine?

We-don't-have-any-petrol!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Then, what-he-just-put-in-his-tank?

Diesel!

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Hello Bobby. Feeling better?

I don't like you.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

Well that's alright because, um, I like you.

You were mean to Elaine. My sisters say you're the W word, the T word, the P word, and the Zed word.

Dr. Martin Ellingham

What's the Zed word?

it's a word