Dilbert · Season 1
I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?
I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
I had the egg dream again.
"I,I,I."
What do you think an egg dream means?
Mmm, probably an omen.
A good omen?
How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
There only has to be one.
Good morning, shower!
Good morning, Dilbert!
Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
Dogbert [sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
Dogbert [aside]: 400.
[The ASM does nothing]
Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
Why, you think of everything!
I'm cautious.
That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.
I was 14.
14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
On the plus-side, you look very clean.
I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!
No you didn't!
Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!
Bob, you're like a son to me.
You don't have a son.
That's where I'm headed here.
Oooh.
To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]: Recommendation: Downsize the Loud Guy.
Uh, I-I take it back!
Anyone else want a piece of me?
As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
Competent? How are we going to compete with that?
Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.
You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.
Why would anyone beat a dead horse?
Why would anyone kill a dead horse?
Maybe it kicked ya.
It's dead!
And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!
Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?
Heheh, feminine protection for mice.
[Alice smacks Wally in the face with a book]
Walter is good with these name things. He just named his baby.
How is Walter Jr?
She's fine, thanks for asking.
Well, that was a dryhole. Do we have anyone here from marketing?
[A couple from marketing are making out]
Lie to me!
Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
I like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?
Walter's a name for the product.
How about... Ford?
Hmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table angrily] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
[Walter runs out crying]
Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
You're not allowed to talk anymore.
Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
Get out of my way, you pervert.
[Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
No, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.
Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!
"I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!
Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…
Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?
What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?
Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.
Ah, am I late?
Right on time sir.
Oh, in that case, I've got time to make some phone calls. [leaves]
That is so rude.
Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.
They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.
[Wally vanishes.]
You could have worded that better.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dilbert pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
