Dilbert quotes from Dilbert

Dilbert

It's so small - I can't even find it!

Dilbert

This is impossible! How am I gonna get any work done if there's no tension?

Dilbert

What kind of madhouse is this?!

Dilbert

I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?

Dogbert

I also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?

Dilbert

I had the egg dream again.

Dogbert

"I,I,I."

Dilbert

What do you think an egg dream means?

Dogbert

Mmm, probably an omen.

Dilbert

A good omen?

Dogbert

How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?

Dilbert

There only has to be one.

Dilbert

Good morning, shower!

Good morning, Dilbert!

Dogbert

Hmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?

Dilbert

Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.

Dilbert

It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.

99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]

Dilbert

Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.

Dogbert

Why, you think of everything!

Dilbert

I'm cautious.

Dogbert

That's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.

Dilbert

I was 14.

14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]

Dilbert

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!

Dogbert

Where'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?

Dilbert

It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!

Dogbert

On the plus-side, you look very clean.

Dilbert

I told them at the rollout meeting that anthrax was a bacteria, not a herb!

Wally

No you didn't!

Dilbert

Well, I was thinking it pretty hard!

Dilbert

To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.

Loud Howard

He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!

Loud Howard

Uh, I-I take it back!

Dogbert

Anyone else want a piece of me?

Dogbert

As you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.

Wally

Competent? How are we going to compete with that?

Well, there's no point in killing a dead horse.

Dilbert

You mean there's no point in beating a dead horse.

Why would anyone beat a dead horse?

Dilbert

Why would anyone kill a dead horse?

Maybe it kicked ya.

Dilbert

It's dead!

And so is every customer who has used our flagship product!

Dilbert

Do you think the guy who invented the mouse pad started with the name? What's a mouse pad?

Wally

Heheh, feminine protection for mice.

Help, Dilbert, I've been shot!

Dilbert

"I've been shot!", "I've been shot!"—I have a few problems of my own you know!

Yeah I heard about the name thing, that's a drag…

Why don't you call your product the Gruntmaster 6000?

Dilbert

What kind of product do you see when you imagine a Gruntmaster 6000?

Well it's a stripped-down version of the Gruntmaster 9000 of course. But it's software-upgradeable.

Dilbert

Lena's team is so big you could get lost in the crowd and never have to lift a finger.

Alice

They might get the big raises and party atmosphere, but they'll never know the satisfaction that comes from really hard work.

Dilbert

You could have worded that better.

Get out while you still can.

Dilbert

Get out?

Can't you see? We're severed heads in a jar!

Dilbert

Well maybe it didn't work out with you guys, but that doesn't mean it won't work out with me. She really likes me.

Alice

Team Lena is going down!

Dilbert

Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?

Alice

Of course.

Dilbert

That's it! I've done it!

Dogbert

That's not the word on the street.