A character in Dilbert
Played by Chris Elliott
Dilbert · 51 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Dilbert: in 15 of its 51 quotes
Most scenes with: Dilbert (10)
Vibrating chair store owner [speaking in a shaky voice]: Would you like to try a vibrating chair?
DogbertGet out of my way, you pervert.
[Dogbert causes all the chairs in the store to vibrate wildly]
Vibrating chair store owner [shaky voice]: Will you be sitting down in any of these?
DogbertNo, I'm gonna run for it and you might wanna do the same.
DogbertThat's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.
I thought you were gonna wake me at 6:30?
DogbertI also said women like men who are shaped like potatoes. Can you find a pattern here?
I had the egg dream again.
Dogbert"I,I,I."
What do you think an egg dream means?
DogbertMmm, probably an omen.
A good omen?
DogbertHow many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
There only has to be one.
Good morning, shower!
Good morning, Dilbert!
DogbertHmm, don't you do enough engineering at work?
Work is just meetings, this is engineering. If this works, someday all showers will be voice activated.
Dogbert [sitting on a stool]: Is it that hard to turn the knobs?
It's not that it's hard, it's unnecessary. [To ASM] 99, please.
99. [shower turns on at 99 degrees; Dilbert steps inside]
Dogbert [aside]: 400.
[The ASM does nothing]
Heh-heh, nice try. But the shower is calibrated to respond to my voice only.
DogbertWhy, you think of everything!
I'm cautious.
DogbertThat's why you had training wheels on your bike until you were 17.
I was 14.
14. [makes the shower temperature 14 degrees]
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! [is frozen in a block of ice] 99! 99! 99! [shower goes back to 99 degrees, as the ice melts] Don't do that!
DogbertWhere'd you get the voice for that thing? It sounds like the voice for that stupid movie; what was it called, "something, something, a Space Odyssey"?
It wasn't "Something, something, a Space Odyssey", it was "2001: A Spa-" [cut to the exterior of the house, as the ASM evidently makes the shower temperature 2001 degrees] AAAAAAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
[back inside, a red-skinned Dilbert wraps a towel around himself, which then catches on fire as he walks off-screen]
DogbertOn the plus-side, you look very clean.
To save time, I've hired a consultant to help us find a name for our next product.
[The "consultant" turns around in his swivel chair and reveals himself to be Dogbert]
He doesn't look like any consultant I've ever seen!
Dogbert [writing on a piece of paper]: Recommendation: Downsize the Loud Guy.
Uh, I-I take it back!
DogbertAnyone else want a piece of me?
DogbertAs you probably know, all the good product names have been trademarked by companies who are competent.
Competent? How are we going to compete with that?
DogbertWell, that was a dryhole. Do we have anyone here from marketing?
[A couple from marketing are making out]
Lie to me!
Our next upgrade will solve the problem!
Ohhhh! [the two keep making out]
DogbertI like the sound of it, but how do you spell "uh-hoo-ah-ahhhh"?
Walter's a name for the product.
How about... Ford?
DogbertHmm. That seems to be taken - [slams his paper on the table angrily] - by the Ford Motor Company!!
[Walter runs out crying]
Maybe Ford will sell the name. Everybody has a price!
DogbertYou're not allowed to talk anymore.
That's it! I've done it!
DogbertThat's not the word on the street.
What are you doing with my laser?
DogbertDid you know there are no laws in space?
You're going into space?
DogbertGood observation, potato boy. I'll send you a postcard.
I don't think you can send a postcard from outer space.
DogbertOoh, it can be done. But you might see a little jump in your next tax bill.
DogbertSo, you're welcome!
Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
DogbertOhh, it's nothing you wouldn't have done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.
You're living in the past, my furry friend. Capitalism has transformed Elbonia. The economy is burgeoning.
DogbertNothing like slave labor to perk up the economy.
They're making many advances. For instance, did you realise the leading cause of death in Elbonia is no longer Black Plague?
DogbertOh really? What is?
Here we go, it's.. self-inflicted gunshot wounds? Must be a typo.
Well in that case he'll need the help of someone who is incapable of sympathy; someone so cynical that the suffering of others is nothing but a source of cheap entertainment.
DogbertOh alright - I'll go.
I thought you were supposed to buy when the stock is down.
DogbertHave I ever lied to you?
About a thousand times.
DogbertYou don't have to throw it in my face.
DogbertI'll bet you 20 dollars it doesn't feel good to give. [extends hand]
You are on, my cynical friend! [shakes Dogbert's hand]
DogbertOkay, to settle the question, give me 40 dollars and then tell me if it feels good.
That wouldn't feel good.
DogbertOkay, then give me 20 dollars because you lost the bet.
Dilbert [puzzled look]: Did I just make a bet that would cost me 20 dollars whether I won or not? [hands Dogbert a $20 bill]
Dogbert [taking the money]: Yes. But you also got to help someone more fortunate than yourself.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Dilbert pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
