Rude Dexter quotes from Dexter's Laboratory

Once again, my enormous intellect has triumphed. Now I can test my new lamp and read my book and... [finds out the book is gone and the paper is in the same place] No! The book is gone? How can-? Huh? [reads the paper]

[narrating] Dear Dexter, if you want to get your book back, just follow the clues!

Nooo! Deeee Deeeeee!

Let me introduce you to the family. My name's Jebediah. This here's my very plain wife. I just call her Wife. There's little Ezra. His sister. They're the children. And here's our senior citizen, Grandma. She don't move much but she makes one heck of a scarecrow.

[squawks]

We strive for simplicity here, Dexter. We do without those modern conveniences you take for granted.

Like neural net computers?

Like plumbing.

[holds up a potato powered light] Hey Jebediah!

[screams in pain] My eyes!

Look, I made a potato powered light just for you!

Evil! I'll be having none of this! You must be punished!

Dex, it's time for your bath!

But I'll miss my show!

Don't argue with me, young man, just do it!

You are wanting to know why? You mean you do not remember?

Remember what?

April 19, one year ago: It is first day on job. Everything is going great, until you come. You want the most expensive ice cream. I make suggestion of cheaper ice cream, but no, you want expensive one. And after I'm giving you ice cream, you pay with PENNIES. Do you know how long it took me to count those pennies?

Emm... at an average human rate, I'd estimate about 5 hours and 33 minutes?

Precisely. And when the counting was done, it is time to put pennies in safe. Then I'm noticing my shoelaces untied. Now, I couldn't very well stop to tie my shoes since somebody had given me a heavy jar of pennies to hold, and the ice cream man rules say to keep any amount of money OVER a dollar in the safe. So, I trip, and I break my tooth. The pain, it is so bad. My girlfriend left me, I lose apartment, I lose car, I'm forced to live on the freeway with wild animals, I CAN'T EVEN EAT ICE CREAM BECAUSE OF THE PAIN! ALL BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID PENNIES! [screams in anger, then breathes heavily]

[chuckles] You know, I still have all of my baby teeth. Ern... I'm sorry. I'm really, really, really, REALLY sorry.

Forget about it, kid.

Well, in that case, can I order my ice cream now?

Sure.

I'll just have a Choco-Pop, please. [the Ice Cream Man gives him a Choco-Pop ice cream] At last, ice cream to eat!

Dollar fifty, please.

[gives a hundred dollar bill to Ice Cream Man] You got change for a hundred?

Greetings, Dexter. Welcome to my laboratory.

Emm, excuse me. But, did you say your laboratory?

Yes, Dexter. My laboratory. While you slumbered, I began an analysis of your primitive laboratory finding it to be highly inefficient. I discovered that by salvaging useful components and destroying obsolete ones, I was able to create this tower capable of performing functions thousands of times greater than its predecessor, rendering a former laboratory and its creator obsolete. And all obsolete materials must be destroyed.

[chuckles] Well, then. It sounds like you had a busy night. I'll just unplug it for a little while and you can get some rest. [Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him]

I have created a monster. I got to destroy him.

I heard that. [Ultrabot 4000 Observation Unit attacks him again]

His laboratory, eh? We'll just see about that one.

[hides in a safe place] Drat. What I need is a diversion, something to draw their fire. Dee Dee! Oh, but Dee Dee is only around when I don't want her. [smiles in silence and pretends to be talking to Dee Dee] Oh, I certainly do have a lot of work to do, and I do not wish to be disturbed! I have no time to play now, so many thingies to do.

[arrives] Hi, Dexter!

[Hidden in the dark] Dexter. Son, could you come in here for a moment? I need to talk to you.

And just what is it you want?

[steps out of the shadows like Darth Vader] Dexter. I... am your father!

[shocked] That is not possible! Oh wait, no, you're right.

So join me! Come to the Muffin Side. Do not resist. It is your destiny.

Never!

We are free!

Looks like you broke into the state prison.

Computer, what the heck is going on?!

Goo goo ga ga goo goo pee-pee!

Hmm, yes, pee-pee...

Hmm... What the...? [cuts to mugs leaking coffee, coffee pot, and milk] The kitchen's a mess. Something wrong here...! [searches through cabinets] Coffee, coffee, where's the coffee? Hello, coffee?! WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THE COFFEE?!

Uh...

We drank it all. [Dad looks shocked, then eerily calm]

You... drank the coffee? [laughs] You two drank the coffee?

[nervous giggling]

[laughing] [goes upset] Where did I go wrong?! I thought I was a good father. I thought I brought you kids up right. You see, kids, coffee is what we adults need to get started in the morning. It's the key to our ignition. You kids don't need it. No, you've got youth! We adults need the coffee. But now, all we have is... [holds up empty coffee pot] THIS! [tries to get a drop from the coffee pot but nothing comes out] Empty! A mere shell of its former self! I've seen some pretty horrible things in my life, but this... this is just... [lowers his voice to a hiss] SICK! [sobbing]

So... as I was saying, we here at Huber Elementary take great pride in our brightest students like Dexter here [he rubs Dexter's head, Dexter laughs], which brings me to why I called you both here. It seems that, well, Dexter's grades are slipping. Now, ma'am, I know this may be hard for you to swallow, but... but... Dexter got an A minus on his last test. [starts crying] I'm sorry!

That's it? An A minus, that's what you did wrong?!

Uh...

You give me a full body makeover all for a lousy A minus?!

Um...

Jeez, I thought you stole the school mascot or destroyed the science lab...

Hey!

Or at least TP'd his office!

Hey!

But no, you got a stupid A minus, [hits Dexter's head] dork.

Oh my.

Well, "Mom", I wouldn't have gotten an A minus [jumps up and raises his voice] IF MY STUPID SISTER WOULD STOP BUGGING ME!

Dee Dee is not stupid! She is prettier, taller, nicer, friendlier, happier, and way more popular than you'll ever be! Plus, your father and I like her best so...

Um... Eh... Er... Wait. Er... stop? Please? Please! STOP!!! [Dexter and Dee Dee stop fighting] That's enough! Obviously, this Dee Dee is the root of a lot of aggression between you two. Which is why I'd like the three of you to talk to the school counselor, let's say, same time tomorrow?

Hmm... Now where was I going? [a bit of the roof lands on her head] POOL! [takes off like a jack rabbit, wearing her swimsuit, and sandals, arrives at the pool outside, flips off her slippers and puts on her swimming cap] Hurry up, Dexter! [rides the slide and lands into the pool before she squirts out water]

I am not ready yet. [takes his hat, dressing gown, and takes off his sandals, showing his purple swimming trunks]

[in her bikini and pumps, walks over to the pool] Dexter, ready to get wet?!

Almost! [rubs sunscreen onto his arms]

[appears behind Dexter's Mom] Hi, Dexter! [the camera pans in on a shocked Dexter]

NO! [takes off]

Dexter? [looks around]

[blinks on the roof, thinking he is safe] Phew...

[having thrown off her pumps, stands on the diving board, walks across to the edge, and bends down, but jumps into the air, and dives into the pool, just to disappear for mere seconds, and just in time to come back up] Come on in, Dexter, the water's great!

Okay, Mom.

Hey, Dee Dee! We're here!

Hi, girls, come on in!

Boy, they sure are talented.

You said it. [realizes Dad was right next to him]

Boo!

[screams in terror, Dad tries to push push him into the water, but fails when Dexter only bounces off of Dee Dee, Mee Mee, and Lee Lee's heads. He pants only for a short while] Phew!

Darn, I just can't get that kid! [He notices Dexter's Mom walking up to the pool] Oh, well! [while Mom dips one foot into the water to check if the water's nice, Dad runs up behind her and pushes her off the edge as she screams in terror and lands in the pool]