SuzanneAt Mardel Richardson's wedding — you know Mardel has a little weight problem, and she unfortunately chose a full white gown with a veil. Anyway, just as she's getting ready to go down the aisle, Julia leans over to me and says, "Look, Suzanne, it's not a bride, it's a bride float."
Oh, I did not. You're terrible.
Suzanne
You did so. And then when the attendants started down the aisle, she said, "If they had any style at all, they'd ride her in."
[Forced to speak in front of the PTA, Mary Jo ask Julia to show her how to get fired up. As a result, everyone tries to think of something that makes them mad in order to help get Mary Jo going.]
Suzanne
Oh, oh!! I've got one... this just makes me furious!! Y'know... when men... use Women's Liberation as an excuse not to kill bugs for you... oh, I just hate that!!! I don't care what anybody says, I think the man should have to kill the bug!!
I don't think I can add anything to that...
[An old "friend"/client of Julia's overhears their plans to decorate an AIDS funeral room.]
ISImogene Salinger
Is this the boy whose funeral you're planning?
IImogene
I heard the rumors, but I didn't actually believe it was true! Now I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, but if these boys hadn't been doing what they were doing, they wouldn't be getting what's coming to them now.
Imogene, gays aren't the only ones getting it.
IImogene
No, but they're the ones who started it.
KDKendall Dobbs
Actually nobody knows how it got started. Gays are just one of the first groups it showed up in.
IImogene
Yes, and for a good reason... you reap what you sow. You boys brought this on yourselves. As far as I'm concerned this disease has one thing going for it... it's killing all the right people!
Imogene, I'm terribly sorry. I'm gonna have to ask you to move your car.
(pulling her towards the door) Because you're leaving. The only thing worse than all these people who never had any morals before AIDS are all you holier-than-thou types who think you're exempt from getting it.
IImogene
Well, for your information, I am exempt. I haven't lived like these people, and I don't care what you say, Julia Sugarbaker, I believe this is God's punishment for what they've done.
Suzanne
Oh yeah? Then how come lesbians get it less?
IImogene
That is not for me to say... I just know that these people are getting what they deserve!
Imogene, get serious! Who do you think you're talking to? I've known you for 27 years, and all I can say is... if God was giving out sexually transmitted diseases to people as a punishment for sinning, that you would be at the free clinic all the time! ... and so would the rest of us!
I think she makes a good point.
IImogene
Oh, who cares what you think?! (she points at her head) You're not even all there!
(shocked) Well, as long as we're on the subject, (pointing at her chest) neither are you!
IImogene
(totally furious) Well, you needn't look forward to any more of my business in this lifetime!
Wonderful! I'll close up your account! And another thing, my son has an A in chemistry! In fact, he's making all As! In everything — including P.E!
[Suzanne tries to comfort a worried and distraught Julia after Reese's heart attack.]
Suzanne
I know, but you can't. He wouldn't even know you were there.
But I would. I can't stand to think about him dying with strangers. That's the way it happened with Hayden. (sobbing) They wouldn't let me be with him, and he was calling for me!
Suzanne
Julia, listen to me. I know how you feel about that. That's why I told the doctor that if at any time it looks like Reese isn't gonna make it, they're to come out here and get you.
CMCharlene and Mary Jo
You did?
Suzanne
Yes, I did. And you know what? They haven't come for you, have they?
Suzanne
See, that's a good sign.
Yes, it is. Thank you for doing that. (crying and hugging Suzanne)
Suzanne
We're just gonna sit down here together, and you rest your head on my shoulder okay?
(to Mary Jo) It's amazing, isn't it? Most of the time she goes around without the sense God gave a goose. Look at her. I mean, one crisis, and she's Scarlett O'Hara.
A couple of hoods got after Julia.
Suzanne
Hoods love Julia. It's that little sashay in her walk.
Does it matter? They said the same asinine things they always say.
I know, but just out of curiosity what was it?
Charlene, we always go through this. Why do you have to know?
I don't know. It's a sickness.
All right, Charlene. If you must know, they said, "Hey Sweet Meat. What it is. Mmm - mmm, strut it out. Bring it on home to me now." OK?
Suzanne
Well, all I have to say is, the next time Olivia May gets sick, you all can just invite somebody else to play cards. I don't like this game. I like simple games. You know, like the kind you play when you're little.
Suzanne, we've been all over that. Charlene doesn't have a picture of a donkey.
[Suzanne enters with a pig on a leash. The pig is wearing a puffy pink "shirt" and a silver bow on her head... .. Everyone just gawks...]
Suzanne
Hi. What's going on?
Suzanne...where did you get that pig?
Suzanne
What pig? Oh, you mean this pig. Well, y'see... Consuela's entire family has just arrived from San Salvador for the holidays... and uh... this is their gift to me. Y'know, they're very big in meat packing. Well, anyway... I tried to board her with a private kennel — they won't take her, and I'm sure not about to have her slaughtered. By the way, do you all have any idea how difficult it is to find a 26-inch rhinestone collar?
I cannot believe that you are walking around with this big pig on a leash.
Suzanne
Why not? It just fits my mood. This is the worst Christmas I ever had. All my vacation plans fell through, and I haven't heard a thing from any of my ex-husbands — not even a Christmas card.
Well, what about Hugh? Aren't you still dating him?
Suzanne
No, not anymore. He's in intensive care again. He's always in intensive care and I'm just sick of it.
Suzanne, after all, he is 80 years old.
Suzanne
Oh, he's just a big hypochondriac. Anyway, I was sitting there last night feeling sorry for myself, y'know, and Noel came over and nudged me with her little snout. She is ugly, isn't she? (giggling) I am genuinely fond of this pig. I guess you could say she was there for me when I was lonely and needed a friend.
As your sister I have to tell you one thing.
Suzanne
What's that?
:leaning in We're not taking that pig shopping.
We've been acting a little childish about things that didn't measure up to Christmases past. Have we forgotten how lucky we are to have had those Christmases in the first place?
You're right. No matter how old I get, nothing's ever gonna measure up to my entire family sitting in front of a fire on Christmas Eve singing "Silent Night." Daddy reading from the Bible — Harold Thomas sitting on his lap — me on one side, Mama on the other. Y'know, I've just gotta be grateful I had that. Nothing is ever gonna be greater than that...except maybe heaven. Anthony...you're crying.
I know. I thought you were gonna tell another one of those stories about your daddy needing a bank loan, and it got to me before I realized you were on another track.
I know I'm especially grateful to have my son here on Christmas Day — whose eyes I can look into and still see his father. And I'm grateful to Charlene for making that possible...and to Suzanne, for turning down a vacation in Switzerland just to hear me play the piano. And I'm grateful that I have a friend like Mary Jo who cries because her little boy doesn't believe in Santa Claus. And I'm also grateful that I know someone like Anthony, who is such a good sport about breaking a leg!
Julia, you're starting to sound like the piano lady at the Holiday Inn Tap Room.
I know! It's Christmas...and I can't help myself!
Suzanne
Now play "The First Noel" for my pig.
[Reese sees the excessive amount of bags going into the car.]
RReese
What are all these little bags for?
Suzanne
Oh, those are my cosmetics.
RReese
My word.... nobody's that ugly.
Suzanne
I think you're one of these people who are too much.
Suzanne
Yes. Julia and Charlene and Mary Jo would never tell you so, they're too nice. But I can tell you because... I'm too much too.
UUrsula
I'm sorry, I just don't know what you mean.
Suzanne
I mean your smile is too big, your heart is too big, and quite frankly — your breasts are too big.
UUrsula
What are you saying?
Suzanne
I'm saying I want you to take your big knockers and hit the road.
[The ladies gather around Mary Jo's television to watch Julia's one-minute speech on the news against Commissioner Brickett.]
Suzanne
I know someone who's not going to think Julia's too wonderful.
Suzanne
Wilson Pickett.
Suzanne
You know, that black guy with the bow tie. Where have you been, Charlene? I mean that's what we're doing here.
Suzanne, his name is not Wilson Pickett, it's Wilson Brickett. Wilson Pickett's a black singer.
Suzanne
Okay, so I was close.
How do you figure you were close, because they're both black? You might as well have said Don King.
Suzanne
Who's Don King?
Who's Don King?! You don't know who he is either?
Suzanne
Oh yeah, I know who he is. He's that guy who sings "Tiny Bubbles."
"Tiny Bubbles"?! Suzanne, Don King does not sing "Tiny Bubbles," that's Don Ho! (to Julia) She just does this to drive me insane. It's like we're the Smothers brothers, and she's Tommy and I'm Dick.
(walks in with a tray) What is the matter?
Suzanne
Oh, I don't know, Mary Jo, it's just Charlene. She's in here raving about "Tiny Bubbles" and calling herself Dick.
[Asked their names by a reporter making fun of the Elvis fans:]
Suzanne
My name is Helen Van Patterson-Patton.
And I'm her sister, Debbie.
[The ladies discuss breast size, making reference to Suzanne.]
Suzanne's had those as long as I can remember. She was born with them. Mother and Daddy and I used to sit around and just stare at them. It's just the spin of the ole' genetic wheel. I think I've been amply compensated.
It means Suzanne got the boobs, and she (pointing to Julia) got the brains.
Suzanne
I don't think I like the turn this conversation has taken.
Oh, c'mon... big boobs/tiny brains... it's a story as old as the hills — I didn't write it.
Mary Jo!!! I cannot believe you would even repeat that!!
Oh, I'm just kidding. It's just the Littlest Angel's way of kind of evening the score.
Suzanne
What's this "Littlest Angel" stuff anyway?
It's the name of a training bra, Suzanne. I'm sure you wouldn't know anything about that.
Suzanne
A training bra... you little people have to train yours, and you call us dumb.....
Excuse me, ladies. I know it's none of my business, but there are two little old vietnamese ladies laying in your driveway.
Suzanne
Oh, they been there all morning. Y'know, they look frail, but when I pulled my Mercedes in at 30 miles an hour, they hopped up right quick.
Designing Women · 255 quotes
