A character in Designing Women
Played by Delta Burke
Designing Women · 255 quotes
2nd most-quoted character in Designing Women: in 109 of its 255 quotes
Most scenes with: Julia (52), Mary Jo (35), Charlene (29)
[The ladies debate whether or not to take a job decorating for their client's mistress.]
SuzanneI just hate men who think they can have their cake and eat it too. As a matter of fact, I just hate anyone who eats cake.
Suzanne. . . Julia are you kiddin'? If Reese Watson even thought of having a mistress, the very least you would do is blow up his car and burn his apartment to the ground.
[Suzanne's arm is sprained and she is trapped in the fur coat.]
SuzanneOh really? Well let me tell you something, Miss P.A.A.A. . . . I am wearing this fur coat to sleep in. I have been wearing this fur coat 24 hours a day for a week. And you know why? Because my arm is sprained, and I can't lift it over my head! The doctors wanted to cut it off of me. But naturally, I couldn't let 'em. I mean after all, they're doctors, not tailors. Doctors should stick to cutting up things like hearts and livers, not important things like fur coats. So I have been stuck inside this thing. Do you know what it means to wear a fur coat 24 hours a day for a week? It's hot. It's bulky, and it's starting to smell. I can't go outside because dogs follow me around, and I'm not happy. I don't want to see a fur coat for the rest of my life. I don't want to see fur, I don't want to hear fur, I don't even want to open the refrigerator and see some old food with fur on it.
SuzanneWell, I don't know why Charlene insists on nursing this baby. It's like some kind of epidemic. Everywhere I go, anytime of the day or night, I see all these women whipping themselves out and acting like public fillin' stations. I mean, they act like just cause there's a baby attached, it's not a breast anymore. Could you see me unleashing one of these outdoors? All hell would break loose.
[Mary Jo asks the ladies if they'd like to take up jogging with her...]
SuzanneMary Jo, I had my period 5 years straight in high school to avoid P.E., okay? Why do you think I have a mercedes for?
[Suzanne takes up smoking to lose weight]
SuzanneWell, I am sick and tired of all you self-righteous non-smokers always lecturing everybody else. I mean, if we're trying to outlaw unattractive habits, why don't we outlaw nose-pickin' in your car at 60 miles an hour?
[Suzanne takes over the announcer's booth at a little league game...]
SuzanneExcuse me, excuse me! Will the parents of the juvenile delinquent who broke my windshield please come the the announcer's booth. And bring your checkbook. Thank you!
[Suzanne returns from a gynecological consultation with Mary Jo's ex-husband with the news that they are now dating.]
SuzanneJulia, I didn't pick him... it just happened.
And it will happen again. Suzanne, if sex were fast food there'd be an arch over your bed. And I swear I didn't mean that bitchy...
SuzanneYou can't spend the rest of your life crying just because Mason is moving.
Well, I just don't understand why he had to tell me this right at Thanksgiving! (sob)
SuzanneCall him up and have him pay for a ticket to fly you to Tokyo.
Oh, Suzanne! I couldn't accept a plane ticket just because he feels guilty about moving away. I wouldn't have any integrity.
SuzanneY'know sometimes I think about stuff like that... then I just try and put it right out of my mind.
[Mary Jo and Julia enter in a huff and arguing.]
Look, Mary Jo, all that I'm saying is that I'm not gonna pay one red cent on that ticket, and if I have to I'll take it all the way to the Supreme Court!
What happened?
(very dramatically) We're on the way to the bank to make that deposit, right? But the car breaks down, so while they're working on it, Julia decides that we should walk to the bank and make our "drive-thru" deposit on foot... because the inside of the bank doesn't open until 10.
Sounds reasonable to me.
Thank you, Charlene!
So there we are standing in the drive-thru, and when we "pull up"--- so to speak — to the glass window, the guy refuses to accept our deposit because we're not inside a vehicle.
That's ridiculous.
So Julia commandeers the back seat of the woman behind us and starts yelling for this woman to drive us through the drive-thru! and then the bank manager makes Julia get out of the woman's car, and then the police come. Need I say more?
Well, Julia. If you're not gonna pay the ticket, what's your defense gonna be?
My defense is... that when I attempted to use that drive-thru window, I was indeed inside a vehicle; the vessel in which I have chosen to go through life — my body!
SuzanneOh Julia, don't be ridiculous. No judge is gonna believe that! If you'd gotten to choose... you would have selected a much newer model.
At our house it was kind of a zoo with eleven kids at Thanksgiving.
SuzanneWhat was that like having a hillbilly Thanksgiving? Did you have Turkey?
(sarcastically) No. Possum! Daddy killed it, Mama stuffed it, then at the table we'd all have a big food fight, then afterward wittle sticks and sit on the front porch pickin' our teeth!
SuzanneOk ok.....I was just asking.
Well you're always just asking! I curse the day I ever told you we had an outhouse.
[Perky, Suzanne and Julia's mother, comforts a very defeated Suzanne, who attempted, but failed to make Thanksgiving dinner.]
Oh, my darling. You should have come to me for advice, I could have told you cooking was not for you, you were born for much bigger things.
SuzanneLike what?
Like... when I used to take you to the park when you were about two years old, everybody used to come up and say "oh what a beautiful little girl... whatever will she be". And I used to stand very tall and say "Why the center of attention, o'course!"
[The ladies debate over what makes a man attractive.]
SuzanneMyself, I prefer the older established type.
You mean rich.... and terminally ill?
SuzanneJulia, why do you always have to look a gift horse in the mouth?
Because, if you look one in the rear, they usually kick you.
[Julia confronts, and then comforts, a very tearful Suzanne who doesn't want to give up Li Sing.]
SuzanneWell I sure made a mess of things this time, didn't I?
Not yet. In a few more hours they'll be talking kidnapping.
SuzanneI wish I'd never met her. She thinks I'm wonderful. She even loves my cooking.
You don't cook.
SuzanneWell, I know that, but she doesn't! Li Sing's the first person who's ever loved me just for me.
She's not the first. She's the third.
SuzanneWhat? you mean my ex-husbands?
No, silly. Mother and me. We love you just for you.
SuzanneYeah, but you don't think I can do anything.
That's not true. I just said I didn't think you were cut out to be a mother.
SuzanneYou mean unlike the four billion other women on Earth? Thanks a lot.
But you do something nobody else can do.
SuzanneWhat?
I don't know what it is.....exactly.....that you do. I just know nobody else is doing it, or can do it, like you do. You giving away your pillow?
SuzanneYeah. I wanted Li Sing to have it.
I think Grandma would like that. I remember when she made these for us. Roots and Wings. We sure got our share didn't we? Suzanne, I'm going to say something pretty harsh, but I'm saying it because I love you. Just once in your life, don't put yourself first.
SuzanneI'm not, Julia. I'm thinking of Li Sing.
No, you're not. You're not thinking at all. You know, in your heart, that she's better off with this couple. If you love her, like you say you do, give her wings.
SuzanneI just didn't expect to fall in love with her. I know, you're right. I know. Ok, I'll do it.
[Julia takes Suzanne's hand and starts to cry herself.]
I'm so happy for you.
SuzanneWhy?
Because, now. . . you know what it feels like to be a mother.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Designing Women pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
