Al Swearengen quotes from Deadwood

Al Swearengen

They're hypocrite cocksuckers. And the fuckin' lyin' instruments and tactics they use to fuck people up the ass can be turned against them.

Al Swearengen

Dan, don't you agree that the truth, if only a pinch, must season every falsehood, or the palate fucking rebels? And mustn't the novice chef be mindful not to ladle out his concoction by the unseasoned fucking ton, lest before he perfect his art, he lose his clientele?

Al Swearengen

It wouldn't be the worst thing, backing a loser to Hearst. Let him pick me up from the canvas after, dust me the fuck off. I raise the great man's hand and murmur, best as I can through split lips, "Your man beat my man's balls off, Mr. Hearst." But Hearst's chink boss in that alley ain't to my fuckin' taste. So what if something delays the battle of the chinks? Say, durin' that interval I get to show my ass a few times to Mr. Hearst. Meanwhile, that pain in the balls Wu is sketching up a storm, drawin' fuckin' little pictures of himself brandishin' the lash, drivin' from a delivery ship a quota of chinks to be blown to pieces by dynamite working in the mines for Hearst at half the fee, per chink, that Hearst is paying the San Francisco cocksucker. Now, by this time Hearst has seen my ass so many times, he knows I'm no long-term threat. So some brief opposition of our interests ain't gonna make him feel like he needs to engage me in a death struggle, say, by opposin' local elections. Those circumstances, we can risk backing Wu, and the great man figures, "I am damaged by neither outcome. Why not retire to a neutral corner and test my import against the locals?"

Al Swearengen

[on Sol Star] He's a candidate for office. He can't whore-fuck no longer with impunity.

Al

You see me empty, Sir, do not pause and inquire, simply assume and refill.

Al Swearengen

Quick prick-suck, Bullock? Sally fuckin' forth to meet the great man with unencumbered thoughts?

Al Swearengen

[To Richardson, who is worshipping antlers] Fucking pagan. Tell your God to ready for blood.

Al Swearengen

[Hearst] makes of me and Tolliver a two-headed beast to savage what might be healthy borne out of the fucking election and gnaw its own privates off-hours. Plans keep coming to the cocksucker, that their final sum is this: but for what brings income to him, break what he can; what he can't, set those parts against themselves to weaken.

Al Swearengen

[to Doc] Jesus Christ! The fucking gimp finds something useful to do in the fucking brace you made her. Do you think you could treat "Being Johnny" -- always struggling to fashion a fuckin' thought? Every fucking night, I, that could cut a throat and sleep the sleep of the just, spend six fucking wakings trying to fill a piss-pot with my dribble and wondering when I got to be so old. [throws swatches down to Doc] Pick a fucking swatch for a spit rag, use the others for masks, and go about your fucking business. I ain't learning a new doc's quirks!

Al Swearengen

Knowing him for an errant maniac, I'll still not believe Bullock doubts me.

Al Swearengen

[to his whores, pointing at a sleeping man] Rouse him to spend on pussy, or rob the son of a bitch.

Al Swearengen

[talking to the Indian head in the box] This fuckin' place is gonna be a fuckin' misery. Every fuckin' one of them, every fuckin' time I walk by, "Ooh, how could you? How could you?" With their big fuckin' cow eyes. The entire fuckin' gaggle of ‘em is gonna have to bleed and quit before we can even hope for peace. What's the fuckin' alternative? I ain't fuckin' killing her that sat nights with me sick and takin' slaps to her mug that were some less than fuckin' fair. I should have fuckin' learned to use a gun, but I'm too fuckin' entrenched in my ways. And you ain't exactly the one to be levelin' criticisms on the score of being slow to adapt. You fuckin' people are the original slow fuckin' learners!

Al Swearengen

You don't want to interfere with me.

Calamity Jane

You think I'm scared of you?

Al Swearengen

Sure you are. And if I take a knife to you you'll be scared worse and a long time dying.

He swore he'd head to Cheyenne...

Al Swearengen

Yeah, but here's closer, isn't it? All you cocksuckers go for the easiest chance.

So... where is he now?

Al Swearengen

Where he is now is, he stirs the whole camp up last night with his massacre story 'til I'm giving liquor away and cunt at half price just to keep my crowd controlled. Party makes up from Nuttall's to ride back out to Spearfish, Wild Bill Hickok and those two guys walked past you downstairs save the squarehead kid, tell Ned to stick around 'til they see what the kid has to say about him.

Wild Bill Hickok?

Al Swearengen

And Ned throws down.

Against Wild Bill Hickok?

Al Swearengen

Against Hickok and this other cocksucker who draws almost as fast, so it's a toss-up who blew Ned's head off.

Al Swearengen

[discussing Custer at Little Bighorn] I'll tell you this, son, you can mark my words, Crazy Horse went into Little Bighorn, bought his people one good, long-term ass-fucking. You do not want to be a dirt-worshipping heathen from this fucking point forward. Pardon my French.

Joanie Stubbs

Oh, I speak French.